I hope someone here can help, I am feeling pretty low right now.
Short summary. Husband (of 23 years and father of my three boys 10 - 15) had an major emotional affair with young (he was 47 she was 26) woman at work. This developed into a physical affair. He told me Easter 2008.
He left for about 8 months (went to live with his mother) and came home when she finally decided she would not leave her husband. We do not have enough money for two homes in this really quite expensive town, he wanted to be with his sons, his sons wanted him to be with them and I thought I still loved him and believed he still loved me. Bot sure why - he had told me often enough that he didn't, that he had not loved me for years etc etc - she was his soul mate.
Fast forward another 6 months and he is still here. Sometimes he tries really hard with our relationship and sometimes he can't be bothered. He is back to sport etc. I am so hurt and struggling to heal. I can't get out of mind the words he said to me, the words she said to me and the emails etc they exchanged. (Yes I know but I did turn into a pretty gifted cyberstalker!).
I cause upset a few nights/days a week 9better than when it was every day). I cry I rant and I make him feel so so guilty and bad. These are times when he says he loves me (I sometimes wonder if I am like a toddler trying to get attention).
This relationship is mutually destructive but I think we both want it to work just cant see how.
I feel as though this is my fault -0 it is way past time to forgive and let go. I am stuck. Crisis last night - he said earlier in week when I was crying that he would take me out Friday night. This is a big deal because it is always me that arranges babysitting etc etc. Guess what last night he said not, no money. Most of all I think he forgot. Yep I was pretty upset. Today he says he will take me out early eve and has checked with eldest son if he will be ok babysitting (he and ,middle son fight - alot). Now I don't feel like going. What is the point of dressing up. He has told me I am too fat, he has told her she is wonderful, what is the point in dressing up and sitting there knowing he wanted to be with her. He choose her, not me and the boys.
Btw he does not want to do Relate or similar.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
healing after an affair
gonnabehappy · 25/09/2009 13:20
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