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A friend is cross with me / avoiding me and I don't know why. What now?

(24 Posts)
Feierabend Thu 24-Sep-09 20:14:09

A fellow mum, who I've been good friends with since we met at the a/n class, has been avoiding me for the last few weeks. We both had our second babies recently and at first I thought she was just too busy to meet up, but I have worked out over the last couple of days, when bumping into her in the street, that she seems to have problem with me all of a sudden. I can't think of anything I might have done to offend her, apart from cancelling a meeting once when I didn't feel up to it. We didn't have an argument, and mutual friends I have asked about this say they don't know. I've sent her a text saying that I sense she's cross with me, that I apologise if I've done something to upset her, and asking whether we can meet up to talk about it. I really miss her. What do I do if she doesn't reply? She didn't answer her phone earlier.

I never bear any grudges and somehow thought these things didn't happen once you're past your teenage years?

Conundrumish Thu 24-Sep-09 20:18:27

Could she just be struggling with her second baby and not feeling too good? You may be interpretting this as crossness towards you when she is not.

jkklpu Thu 24-Sep-09 20:19:18

Call her instead of texting

LoveBeingAMummy Thu 24-Sep-09 20:19:59

Hopefully yout text will get her talking, however if she does for wahtever reasoin not want to continue with the friednship not a lot you can do really.

FabBakerGirlIsBack Thu 24-Sep-09 20:22:03

It probably isn't about you at all.

junglist1 Thu 24-Sep-09 20:25:55

A snide might have got the wooden spoon out? If you know you really haven't done wrong maybe someone else has. Ask her when you see her what the problem is.

Feierabend Thu 24-Sep-09 20:33:27

I thought it might be a misunderstanding, or something I said being interpreted the wrong way sad but how will I know if she won't talk to me? I do like her a lot and as we have many mutual friends, it's not as easy as just giving up the friendship and forgetting about it.

Feierabend Thu 24-Sep-09 20:41:59

Hmmm I have just remembered - her toddler son was always all over my new baby when we met and I wasn't so keen as he's always got a snotty nose and cough - so I asked him several times not to poke her in the face - could it be THAT? Surely not???

HecatesTwopenceworth Thu 24-Sep-09 20:49:56

pick up the phone and ASK her!

MaggieVirgoLeo Thu 24-Sep-09 20:51:29

I agree with Fab.. just after birth of dc2 was a really tough time for me.

Feierabend Thu 24-Sep-09 21:01:17

Well Hecates that what I've been trying to do... she's just agreed to meet me on Monday for a chat. I have a feeling it won't be pretty sad

HecatesTwopenceworth Thu 24-Sep-09 21:05:00

oh. missed the bit where you said you had tried to phone her. Thought you'd just texted. sorry.

Look, if she is a good friend and the 2 of you have been close until now and she does have a problem with something you have done but instead of talking it through, decided to start to ignore you, that tells me that whatever 'crime' you have committed, the real problem is something else in her life.

So listen, talk it through, but maybe keep in mind that you might not be the actual problem at all.

TheBolter Thu 24-Sep-09 21:07:10

Felerabend - if that is the reason, your friend is being VERY sensitive. Perhaps your text will make her realise that she's not the only one feeling offended now!

I hope it works out for you, times like this are horrible. I felt upset earlier because one of my best friends seemed to snub me today. The only reason I can think is that while I was being all bright and breezy and glammed up for work, she is mired down in the depths of third-child-not-sleeping-hell. I remember when I was going through sleep deprivation and the early days with a new baby, sometimes you really do feel as though you're having a shittier time than others and it's hard to pull your head out of your arse sometimes.

Does your child sleep better than hers? I remember feeling deeply resentful of my friend whose baby slept almost non-stop and while siad friend was bright eyed and baking cupcakes I was pacing the floor with a colicky howler!

You sound really lovely btw and if one of my friends sent me a text like that I'd be very quick to put her mind at ease if it was just me feeling low.

Feierabend Thu 24-Sep-09 21:08:28

Thanks Hecate. Yes I had been wondering if things are a bit much for her at the moment, maybe more so than she'll admit. But I also remember that she once said that if she's angry with someone, she'll be angry for a long time. <Scared>

I am sitting here crying... how silly is that... the last time this kind of thing happened to me I was 13 FFS!

TheBolter Thu 24-Sep-09 21:09:07

x-posted, good luck with chat. Try put it out of your mind and have a nice weekend. smile

MollieO Thu 24-Sep-09 21:17:19

If you have similar aged dc1 and 2 maybe she thinks you are coping better than her and she doesn't want to see you to be reminded of that fact?

I had a a/n friend who has gone very cool towards me since our dcs started school. She will talk to me if other school mums aren't around but if they are she ignores me. Not bothered as I have my own school mum friends but it is odd and no one at school would ever know that we have known each other since dcs were born. I have no idea why she behaves like this but I'm happy to let the friendship lie to either be resurrected or die a natural death.

I've also had another a/n friend turn down an invite to dcs party as her dc wouldn't know anyone there (other than birthday child). Completely irrelevant at the dcs age but I took it as a sign to say that she has moved on in her life and has no need of our friendship anymore. Sad but sometimes that is how it goes.

Feierabend Thu 24-Sep-09 21:18:58

Thank you so much Bolter for your lovely post - no my dd2 is a rubbish sleeper but dd1 goes to nursery 4 days a week while her ds1 is at home most of the time and being difficult. Maybe it's that. We'll see.

Feierabend Thu 24-Sep-09 21:23:19

Mollie how odd - and you've never felt like asking her what the problem is? Maybe I'm too naive, I always assume the best from everyone.

MollieO Thu 24-Sep-09 21:39:36

It is odd. I suppose I could ask but what if I didn't like the answer? Our dcs are young and have a lot of school years to go before they reach secondary age.

I rarely do the school run so her coolness is only really apparent at birthday parties and school functions. Our dcs are now of an age where we can dump and run so that will cease to be a problem.

Good luck with your chat. I hope that it has a positive outcome.

thesunshinesbrightly Fri 25-Sep-09 11:01:49

Your friend sounds like an ex friend of mine, she goes into moods one month then ok the next, i have given up on her.
i finished with childish moods when i left junior school.

op i would just leave her to it.

lovelymumma Fri 25-Sep-09 11:26:30

Maybe she just wants to spend more time on her own.I've distanced myself from a friend who I feel I was always the one being understanding and listening.I realise this person just made me feel exausted.She would always stay too long at my house,and wouldn't go when I started getting on with kids tea etc.Maybe you just have different needs and energy levels,and need to move on.The friend may feel she can't tell you the truth about wanting the friendship to end,incase it upsets you and her to say it.Move on and don't make things awkward for her.

groundhogs Sun 27-Sep-09 11:54:25

Is it possible that the friend is going through PND???

helpYOUiWILL Tue 06-Oct-09 20:06:31

any update on this?

StrawberriesandCherries Wed 14-Oct-09 21:14:59

bump for an update?

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