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Delayed reaction to separation

(12 Posts)
holycrapolla Thu 24-Sep-09 13:08:07

Hi all, i'm a very infrequant poster but always read the relationships threads as have recently separated from my H and found it a great source of advice. Just wondered if anyone had experienced a delayed reaction to their marriage ending?

It's been 7 months, it was a mutual agreement and at first a very amicable split ( 2 small DC's involved ) but which has since become more difficult due to one thing or another. I really thought i was through the worst..was devastated to begin with that my little family had collapsed but new it was for the best, sold the house and got myself a lovely new one sorted, i've met somebody amazing who treats me like a princess..so why the sudden sadness?

I'm not pining for my ex..more the fact that all my hopes and dreams of that relationship have ended - does that make sense? Feel a bit of a failure to be honest that i couldn't make it work. I seem to be feeling things in reverse..when we first split, although devastated i felt strong and excited about the future, but now i seem to be really sad for what could've been..is this normal?

Any similar experiences would be welcome, i'm sure it's just another hurdle to get over but i'm just a bit shocked that these feelings have crept up on me!

p.s may not be able to reply to any posts straight away as am just about to finish work and do the dreaded Tesco run!

holycrapolla Thu 24-Sep-09 13:13:57

apologies for any spelling mistakes, was trying to type quickly in between phonecalls!

BEAUTlFUL Thu 24-Sep-09 14:31:10

Hi HC, I can't help at all - bet you're glad I posted! grin -- because I'm at the start of this journey. My DH is moving out net week to start our separation. Like you were, I'm currently so sad about the destruction of our little family, but hopeful too.

However, I can easily imagine that there will be a major blip later on, when I sit down and just want to wail. Could it be that you have kept yourself so busy in the past 7 months with moving house, readjusting and coping, that it's only now things are "calm" again that the feelings are finally coming up? That would be my guess. Like at college when we all worked 24/7 to get through the finals and as soon as they were over, we all went down with awful flu.

Why has your split become less amicable? I'm afraid that's mainly a self-centred question as I'm trying to foresee any problems DH and I might encounter, but it might explain this too. Perhaps your new, less amicable split-status has proved to you that the relationship is forever over and now you're facing that, you're realising that it's all gone? When it was nicer, did you secretly harbour even vague feelings that it might all work itself out and you'd get back together?

Not very helpful, but again, I really empathise and ca see myself going through this in 7 months' time. Hang in there! It sounds like you've done a FABULOUS job of rebuilding your life, I'm vv impressed. I expect I'll just sit on the sofa scratching my arse for the next 7 months!

A very un-MN hug. (((HC))))

BEAUTlFUL Thu 24-Sep-09 14:37:13

Oooh, one last thought... those failure feelings. Maybe you're actually really impressed with yourself about how well you've coped since the split. But when you go to congratulate yourself, you think, "Well, I can't be that bloody fabulous if I couldn't hold my marriage together." Like a repeating negative thought?

If that's the case, reassure yourself that it takes TWO people to make a marriage work, and that you CANNOT carry that burden of blame by yourself. Honest. I'm serious. Did he do all he can? Did he try everything to save the marriage? Have you acually found life easier since the split because you can now make all decisions yourself and just get ON with stuff without waiting for him to make his bloody mind up? (Oops, I'm projecting a bit there. blush) Talk to someone lovely IRL who knew you when you were married and now, and tell them how you're feeling. They'll hopefully say something like, "Well, if I'm honest, we all thought your DH was a right plonker and think you should be proud for sticking it out as long as you did," and you'll feel better.

ducati Thu 24-Sep-09 15:58:54

I am not quite in your situation as not separated yet, tho very much on the cards. i have been seeing therapist since the marital crisis erupted six months ago and she has been so brill at basically stopping me from soldiering on and ignoring my feelings (my usual response to problems) and getting me to focus on the fact that something pretty mega is happening in my life. Her point is not to turn me into jibbering wreck, but to avoid me bottling it all up and then it bursting out at some future point and totally swamping me. i think no matter how civilised a break up is, no matter how much it is the right thing to do, the end of a relationship is still something really sad, and something to mourn. don't mean to sound like mrs gloomy but i have found her approach really helpful, and it has stopped me rushing around and getting into manic mode to avoid feeling sad. i can just imagine the first few months after break up being so busy with practical arrangements that you end up just rushing around and now that you have a bit more time on your hands, your feelings are bubbling up. it doesn't mean you made a mistake, just that you need to feel a bit sad sometimes. good luck with everything

holycrapolla Thu 24-Sep-09 18:07:57

Hi Beautiful and Ducati, thanks so much for taking the time to answer - been trying to log back on all afternoon but you know what the post school run rush is like..now they're all fed and watered i can finally sit down!

You both made some really good points, but i'm sorry to hear you're both in the stages of separating. It's the hardest thing i've ever done but was so proud of myself for how i was coping. Like you said Beautful, i think the whole practical side of selling the house and getting all organised in the new one has clouded my feelings and given me something else to focus on. Now we are settled and happy maybe i've just go more time to think?

The splits become less amicable mainly because my Ex has gone from being a pretty good if somewhat distant dad ( he loves them but has never been in the slightest bit hands on) to really not caring. He's quite happy to see them once a week if he has to and hasn't paid a penny towards their care since he left. I'm trying so hard to keep it amicable that my family think he's walking all over me, but i just desperately don't want it to descend into a slanging match with the DC's caught in the middle.

I'm very happy with my new life, and the new man in my life and the DC's, although they have they're moments, are doing remarkably well..so i guess like you say Ducati, this is just another blip to get through and i just need to let myself feel sad for a while.

Thanks so much ladies, good luck with your situatons, it can feel like a long lonely road at times, but it does feel amazing to have come through it and be happy - even when these odd feelings crep up just to confuse you! smile

holycrapolla Thu 24-Sep-09 18:20:45

Sorry..forgot to say that i think you may have a point about the failure feeings Beautiful - i've never been massively insecure when it comes to relationships, i always had the viewpoint that if they didn't love me they wouldn't be with me ( oh the naivety of youth!! ) but now i'm constantly thinking 'Ex H stopped lovng me for a reason, so somethings obviously wrong with me' which is making me feel a bit insecure in my new relationship, i seem to constantly question ( in my own head otherise he'd think i was potty and run a mile ) why he's with me? I failed at one of the biggest parts of my life, my marriage so may fail again. Ah, i don't know..they're all just feelings that need to be worked through think in order to get out the other side

holycrapolla Thu 24-Sep-09 18:21:10

Sorry..forgot to say that i think you may have a point about the failure feeings Beautiful - i've never been massively insecure when it comes to relationships, i always had the viewpoint that if they didn't love me they wouldn't be with me ( oh the naivety of youth!! ) but now i'm constantly thinking 'Ex H stopped lovng me for a reason, so somethings obviously wrong with me' which is making me feel a bit insecure in my new relationship, i seem to constantly question ( in my own head otherise he'd think i was potty and run a mile ) why he's with me? I failed at one of the biggest parts of my life, my marriage so may fail again. Ah, i don't know..they're all just feelings that need to be worked through think in order to get out the other side

mathanxiety Fri 25-Sep-09 06:22:30

There's grief too. Something died. That takes time to get over, and with time comes perspective. Plus, you're tired. You've struck out on your own with small children, organised a house, etc. Try to be kind to yourself, and give yourself time to grieve and acknowledge the loss. And also acknowledge that you're grieving on behalf of the children, because if their father doesn't really seem to care about seeing them or supporting them it's possible you feel guilt for separating them, plus a bit of anger towards him for not doing what he should be doing. You have to make a conscious decision about this aspect of the situation, to just let him go from their lives, or take legal action to make him contribute and see them.

legrandfromage Fri 25-Sep-09 07:06:44

Like Mathanxiety said, there is a grieving process to go through. I found that the grief over the death of my marriage was very close to the grief I felt over the death of one of my parents. There are stages to work through and it will take time to get over it. Relate have some very good books that describe this - I found "Moving On" and "Starting Again" very helpful.

HC you are only 7 months into it and no matter how amicable the split was, it is still the end of a major thing in your life. "Failing" at one relationship is bound to have an effect on any others. Plus, you are trying to forge a new relationship with your ex for the benefit of the DCs. Everything takes time. Be kind to yourself, takes things steady and expect the odd blip to creep up on you once in a while when you're not expecting it.

holycrapolla Fri 25-Sep-09 13:51:26

Legrandfromage ( love the name! ) thanks for the book recommendations - i've been toying with the idea of trying to find a book to help me make sense of it all but didn't really know where to start so that's a great help. Even reading your replies has helped me see why all of a sudden i'm feeling like this so a book to talk me through it is definitely on the agenda now i think!

There's so many immediate feelings when you seperate, of anger, relief, sadness, guilt etc and i felt like i'd worked through them..but always had a slight inkling that i may have just been hovering over them if that makes any sense - there was always the feeling that they might come back and bite me on the bum one day!

As i've said i'm really trying to 'rise above it' and remain amicable with my ex for the sake of the DC's, to the point where my family think i'm being a doormat, so i've found it quite difficult to admit to anyone in RL how i'm feeling..again maybe another reason why it's all bubbling up now.

I had a night to myself last night, put the DC's to bed and went through all the old photos and daft keepsakes that were stashed in a box in the move. Had a good cry as it's just so sad it didn't work, we were so happy and had such high hopes when we first got together, i'm grieving what we had at the beginning, and the life i desperately wanted my DC's to have - i can see now that that's all just part of the process.

Thank you for answering x

echt Sat 26-Sep-09 22:20:14

No-one seems to have commented on the big blip - him paying zip attention to your children, or money towards their keep! This should be a valuable corrective towards your current sadness.

You need to step on this right now, as it won't go away, and will only add further to your sad feelings. He is NOT a nice man at all, he's a shit.

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