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Just separated and XP not respecting end of relationship

(14 Posts)
DutchGirly Thu 24-Sep-09 11:15:32

I have just separated from XP and he has great difficulty accepting the relationship is over.

Unfortunately as we have a 2 year old, we can't break contact, he sees her on almost daily basis but he is driving me mad.

He keeps blaming me for breaking up the family and the relationship and he keeps touching me which makes my skin crawl.
He is not a bad person just a spineless partner who let me be treated very badly by is family when our baby was born over a period of 7 weeks. I developed Postnatal Depression as a result of all the stress.

I have told him repeatedly verbally and in writing to stop trying to hug me etc, touch me etc he just says it is very difficult for him as he still has great feelings for me.

He is a great dad however who is adored by our little one.

Anybody has experience with this, ideas how to handle it? I have tried most approaches and they don't work, it is really upsetting me now and causing a lot of stress.

SheWillBeLoved Thu 24-Sep-09 11:35:56

Can somebody else take your daughter to him so that you don't have to be around him, and he isn't in your home? Of course it wouldn't have to be permanent, but it seems the best option for now until everything has died down and he has accepted that it's over.

SheWillBeLoved Thu 24-Sep-09 11:36:33

No idea where I got daughter from grin apologies if you have a boy!

watching with interest.

my current responses to my ex trying to pet me or grope me when we swap dc is for me to hiss under my breath "try and grab my fanjo again and i'll break your fingers"

but generally i just try and drop dc off and not get out the car. mines are 2 and 3yo.

undo seatbelts. let them climb out and straight in the house as i wave merrily from the car.

SheWillBeLoved Thu 24-Sep-09 11:37:39

And again - never mind blush I now see a 'her' in the second paragraph! I'll put my cereal down and concentrate properly now..

DutchGirly Thu 24-Sep-09 11:43:56

I can't get somebody else to drop her off as he has nowhere suitable to go for her. She is so young that there is not that much time until it is bedtime and then he reads her a story.

I don't want to deprive either little one of him of quality time together, I am just getting very frustrated by him not getting that it is over and that I don't want him anymore.

He is not groping or anyting like that, merely placing his hand on my waist whilst trying to get past, putting arm on sofa whilst sitting next to him etc.

I have told him in no uncertain terms that the relationship is over, however he seems very angry and makes me very upset with hurtful remarks for which he later apologises for etc.

so he comes to yours?.. can you not leave and go do something, supermarket run, gym?

or even just disappear off to clean upstairs or somewhere he shouldn't be following if visiting dd

cheerfulvicky Thu 24-Sep-09 12:02:07

Can you go out to the shops or something when he is with her, arriving back just as his time with DD is drawing to a close? Have you also challenged him when he's actually acting in a way that makes you uncomfortable, rather than mentioning it later after the event?
It must be very annoying and uncomfortable, I feel for you. I think you just have to present an unwaveringly stubborn attitude of 'its over' and eventually he will hopefully get the message.
What he's doing is disrespectful because he is invading your personal space. I would be tempted to say he can only see DD is he keeps his paws off you, but that doesn't sound like an option as you really want him to see her...

cheerfulvicky Thu 24-Sep-09 12:02:39

heh, x posts

DutchGirly Thu 24-Sep-09 12:11:14

I do go to the gym, in fact I try to be as little around as possible.. Howver I constantly have to tell him not to go into my bedroom as that is private. He then sulks or tells little on 'we're not allowed in mummy's bedroom' which I think is unneccessary. He refuses to move his clothes out whilst I could do with the cupboard space.

I understand he does not have a lot of space as he is staying with a friend but he could put it into storage, office, attic etc.

I think he is just in denial really and he can be very unpleansant. He complains about not being able to afford a nice house like I own but that is not exactly my fault is it. I know he is in pain but so am I but I am not taking it out on him

pack up all his stuff and store it in boxes. even if its in your own house as he has no where for it... as long as you keep his clothes in wardrobes in your bedroom he will think of it as his too

DutchGirly Thu 24-Sep-09 12:19:05

Thanks for that idea, you are so right.

I am off to get some boxes from M&S right now.

good luck. it'll give him bit of closure too, and remove the hope that your hanging onto his stuff as will be letting him back one day.

i'm off school run

cestlavielife Thu 24-Sep-09 13:24:43

my exP still in denial...i let him into the house i moved into (out of family home) with dcs.. my ex went so far as one day to change the bedding for me on my bed - something he had NEVER ever done when we lvied together - it was just too creepy for words...

i would say -
yes pack up his stuff put in storage somewhere

write up a schedule of contact which is NOT everyday, unless it is at his palce/outside the home and he just drops her at yours afterwards , it needs to be well defined and he knows and accepts when to leave eg pick her from nursery bring her home give dinner and go... during which time you not there.

write up that as soon as he has sorted accoomodation he should have her at his place --any reason this is totally unfeasible now? could they go out to library/book shop/playcentre/park?

so long as he is coming to your house and has stuff there he wont get it.

and to remember - his feelings are his problem not yours. how he deals with the breakup and moving on is down to him.

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