Hi Ladies;
I really need some advice and i'm sorry this is so long!!
I have been with my DF for just over 2 yrs. I have a 3 YO DS, from a prev relationship. My DF has a DD, 12, from his prev marriage. I have never met her. DF and her mum split around the time we got together although he didnt leave her for me, he'd been unhappy for years but scared to leave for fear he would be denied access to DD.
The first few months after they split, his ex allowed him to see her, but he daren't tell them he was seeing me so as not to rock the boat. We moved in together in Jan 2008 and he then told his ex he was seeing me. This did not go down well and his DD refused to see him anymore because of it. However in June 08, she finally agreed to start seeing him again but didn't want to meet me. This was understandable so I accepted that and DF got to take her out a few weekends in a row. His ex doesnt seem a nice person and we think she slags him off to their DD which obviously doesnt help.
Then in sept 2008 when my DFs ex found out we were having a baby, she absolutely hit the roof and that was it, according to her, his DD said she no longer wanted to see him. I advised DF he should still keep trying with her, to make sure she knows that he still loves her and wants to see her even though she doesn't want to see him at the moment.
However, he totally seemed to give up on her, he hasnt contacted her (apart from sending birthday and xmas cards and money) or tried to see her since it all came out about our baby. I really really believe that he needs to keep trying with her, otherwise, in her 12 year old mind, she will just think he doesn't want her anymore.
She occasionally sends him the odd nasty text or email saying she hates him and hates me etc, but I really think her behaviour towards him is purely a cry for attention, it isn't that she doesn't want him in her life anymore, she is just messed up. She already believes he left them to have a "new family" with me, ie me him and my DS, so what must the knowledge that we have a new baby do to her?? and that combined with his not trying to see her must re inforce the belief that he doesnt want her as he has a new family.
And also, in the back of my mind, part of me is thinking, what kind of person is DF if he doesn't want to try and see his daughter? What if we split up, would he just give up on our child too? He says he doesnt try coz he can't stand the rejection from her and it hurts him. thats understandable but he is making it all about him, there is a little girl out there who probably believes her dad doesn't want her.
I am really upset and feel incredibly guilty about this (even though i know it isnt my fault) but I daren't speak to him about it because he makes me feel like it isn't my business, but it is, our DD is his DD's half sister and eventually i hope they will know eachother. He won't speak to his ex about it either as he hates her, well i'm sorry, i'm not too keen on my DS's dad either but if u have a child with someone you have no choice but to speak to them! and if i had a situation like this i would bloody well be civil and speak to him for the sake of our child!!!!
anyway - recently i have been considering contacting his ex myself, to talk to her face to face, if only to let her know that my DF DOES want to see his DD and ask if
there is any way that they can be reconciled, and so i can explain how DF feels about the whole thing.
i feel sad every day that there is a little girl out there who doesn't see her dad anymore, and i just want it sorted for everybodys sake.
what should i do???? would i be crazy to try and speak to the ex myself???
xxxx
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
my DF hasn't seen his DD (from prev relationship) for over a year, need advice plse!!
mummee09verity · 23/09/2009 09:44
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