Trying to make up with a friend when I feel I?ve been treated badly?..

[Binkster]

I?m mid-way through a huge unwanted row with some friends and really don?t know what to do to sort things out. This is a really long post and I hope someone will be able to give me some perspective on it and decide what to do!

I?ve had a huge falling out with my best friend and her partner, who is also my cousin. They stayed with us a few weeks ago as we were planning on going to a country fair (which I got free tickets to through work) and I posted on here as they told me the week before they came that they would arrive with us on the Friday night and would be going out Saturday morning to visit some friends in the local area. I was a bit peeved about this, but decided to take the advice offered to me on here to make the most of having the Saturday morning to myself and try to enjoy the rest of the weekend. When they went out at 10.30am they said they should be back by 12.30 and that the reason they had to go and visit the friends, rather than invite them over to come to the fair with us (I could get more free tickets) was because they had a new baby and the mother was uncomfortable about leaving the house. So I understood and busied myself for the morning making my friend a birthday cake.

So?.12.30 came, then 1.30, then 2.30. I finally got a text saying that they were on their way back and were bringing their friends with them. My husband works nights and as I?d been expecting them any minute since shortly after midday I?d stayed in to wait for them. So when they finally got back at 3.30 I was grumpy, annoyed and hungry (had been planning to eat at the fair and had nothing in). My friend walked in the door first and asked after my day, to which I replied I?d had a rubbish day and was really annoyed as I?d been sat waiting for them to come back to go to the fair afternoon. She didn?t really say much in reply, but the others came in and my husband got up and we all went to the fair (I got their friends some tickets on the way in).

I spent the next couple of hours trying to snap out of my bad mood and make the weekend enjoyable again. After a pint, some lunch and a few goes on the ferris wheel with her kids I was feeling much happier! Even so, it was a shame we only had a couple of hours and everything started closing up at about 5. We got back at around 5.30 to get ready to go out. As soon as we walked through the door, she turned on me, started having a go, saying I was rude to her earlier on, shouldn?t have spoken to her like that and it had really upset her. I was pretty angry by this time- so I told her and her boyfriend that they?d upset me and that I though that they?d been very rude for going off out for the day when we?d already made plans. I went upstairs to try and calm down and she ended up having hysterics- crying and ranting about how rude I?d been to her. My cousin came to talk to me and apologised for being so late back, but my friend wouldn?t talk to me. Eventually we both ended up in our spare room and it ended up that I was trying to calm her down for being so upset. I thought we?d sorted things (again) and we all went out to dinner. When we got back at around 10 ish, I went downstairs to put the finishing touches to her birthday cake and brought it upstairs for everyone to have a slice. I popped to the loo and on my way out my husband came out of the living room and told me that my friend and my cousin were leaving as they thought there was a bad atmosphere still. I decided to stay out of their way until they?d gone and managed to resist the urge to shout or confront them (although I was pretty angry and when I was talking to my husband they overheard me say that I felt like they were treating our house like a hotel- checking in and out whenever they felt like it).

So that?s what happened- and now my friend and cousin haven?t contacted me in 4 weeks. I e-mailed my cousin a couple of weeks ago and basically said that I wanted to clear the air so things weren?t awkward between us. He replied and said that he knew his girlfriend had a tendency to make herself the victim in these situations but that I hadn?t handled the situation very well and he basically took a step back and said it was between me and her.

This is the latest in a line of things that have happened in the last year. At Christmas my mum had a small adults-only family gathering to see my brother off back home (he lives abroad). My friend ended up kicking up a huge fuss about her kids not being invited and I got stuck in the middle, acting as a go-between for her and my mum. My mum didn?t realise it would be such an issue and said that the kids could come, but then she didn?t bother coming anyway (my cousin came with the eldest child). Then just before Christmas, on my hen night, she told me that she didn?t like her boyfriend?s parents, who of course are my aunt and uncle. I was quite upset by this at the time and to be honest pretty annoyed with myself for not sticking up for them. They?re lovely people and were even babysitting her two children so that she could come on my hen night. I tend to say nothing when things like this happen so it was probably unexpected when I decided to stick up for myself for once.

I?m trying to decide what to do for the best. I?ve felt horrible the last few weeks and really anxious about how things will turn out. I suppose if I had reacted differently then it might not have come to this- but I had no idea that she would over react so badly to my comments when they got back. I?m hurt that neither of them (even now) seem to think they did anything wrong. My cousin said that they both agreed that it wasn?t rude to make plans to go out for the day when they were staying at our house. I suppose I?m more annoyed that they made the plans without any consideration for what our plans might be, and that they didn?t even bother phoning to let me know how late they were going to be. And then I?m hurt that instead of apologising for their behaviour (and I would have been a lot nicer to them when they got back if I?d got a sense that they felt bad about it at all) she decided to have a go at me and turn the situation around so that she was the ?victim? of the situation. I feel bad that the kids witnessed her silly tantrum and wonder if I could have done anything to prevent it, but I?m annoyed that they don?t think I deserve the slightest apology for anything. I think that if they?d said sorry for being so late, I could have met them half way and said I was sorry for being angry when they got in, but their behaviour just got my back up. My cousin said that he was sorry I didn?t tell them before that I thought it was rude to go out for the day, but no apologies at all for their behaviour.

So, what should I do? Against all my natural instincts to defend myself, I?ve kept quiet and not contacted them since it all happened (apart from the quick ?clearing the air? e-mail to my cousin). Last week I considered e-mailing them and saying something along the lines of ?we?re not going to agree on this, so why don?t we just put the whole thing behind us and start again?. But the problem for me at the moment is that I think the way they behaved was thoughtless at best- and it was made worse by the way my friend behaved after they got back. I know I probably made it worse by being annoyed (and showing how annoyed I was), but I do feel as though they owe me an apology. The longer it goes on, the more hurt and upset I feel as they quite clearly think that it doesn?t matter than they behaved like that and that I don?t deserve to be treated with respect when they visit my home. Also, I think that if it?s me that tries to clear the air, she won?t leave it there and will probably bring up again that I was rude to her when they got back from their friends, so I?d be back to square one. I?m not sure if it?s childish or not to say this, but I really think that the first move should be down to them.

I?m sorry this is so long, just needed to get it all off my chest! I?ve tried seeing it from their point of view, but the only thing that they could object to was me being angry when they got back, and to be honest I think that was completely justified anyway. I did swear (but not ?at? them, if you see what I mean, I said I was ** off), but that in itself should have indicated how annoyed I was as I never swear- in fact I doubt that either of them have ever heard me swear in 30 years! It did all blow up out of nothing really, but I felt as though my friend just kept pushing it and pushing it until the situation got worse. Am I wrong about this? I just don?t know what to do for the best. On the one hand, I don?t want to lose years of friendship, but then on the other hand, a true friend wouldn?t treat me like this. Am I just being stubborn? I don?t want any arguments in the family either, and now she is part of my family (who I?m very close to) I don?t want to create awkward situations for other family members as we?re bound to bump into each other at a family event before much longer. I just don?t know what to do!

[sunburntats]

ok, good to get it off your chest BUT

You did act like a spoiled teenager over them coming in late.

Honestly, was it really that bad?
Why did you make such a big fuss about them coming to yours and having a nice time?
Why could you not have gone to the fair then met them at a time with the tickets?

If they were there for the weekend, did it matter that one day they did what they wanted to do and not what you wanted them to do.

Really, i think that you were out of order making such a fuss if they were rude or not, i really think that you reacted in a very childish manner.

sorry, but you did ask.

Not sure where you can go from here, probably best to wright off the friendship, its kind of ruined now.

[sunburntats]

for what its worth, you sound like a lovely person, and at the time, you were fed up and annoyed i can see your POV.

Itw as very lovely of you to offer to let them stay and you are obviously very upset about the whole thing, clearly. But it may be one to chalk up to experience and just forget about it if you can.

You need a hug for having such a rotten time.

[DutchGirly]

Your friend was inconsiderate to see her friends when staying at your house and even ruder when she was back 3 hours late.

I hate it myself when people don't bother to call when they are late, in my opinion it means that they are not respecting your time. If they had just called, you could have made alternative plans and enjoyed your day.

I can understand you are upset about this, you went through a lot of effort making a birthday cake and arranging tickets and then she is rude and ends up making a huge drama about it whilst she could have just apologised and that would be the end of it.

I would just sit on it for a while, are you sure you really want to be friends with that kind of person who is very inconsiderate?

I am sure your family is familar with her drama queen antics so I would not worry about that.

[dutchmanswife]

I don't think you over reacted. If I'd had to wait 3 hours for someone to come back so we could go out then I'd be fuming. The is such a thing as telephones.

[BlingLoving]

I disagree with sunburn. If I had made plans with friends and they were late, I'd be pretty mad. You did probably over react because you were already a bit cheesed off that they'd chosen to spend the first part of the day with other people, and you should probably explain that. But... I think you have every right to be furious that if they said they'd be back at 12:30 they should have been back then.

[hullygully]

I think your "friend" is a complete pig and I'd be furious. I would certainly never treat anyone like that. Tell her to fuck off and see your cousin again once he sees the light.

[sunburntats]

sorry, but why didnt you text or ring them when they were late?

Also was it really necissary to speak loudly enough for them to hear you saying that they were treating your house like a hotel? That is not only awful, but quite nasty too. You swore around them as well, were your children in ear shot?

Lovey sorry but this is completely unsalvagable.

Just draw a line under it now. Dont upset yourself any more.

[Binkster]

Thank you for the replies, I appreciate getting a different perspective.

In hindsight, I think it would have been better if I hadn?t said anything of course. I should have phoned, but then I was expecting them any minute all afternoon and thought they?d be either driving or eating so decided to wait. If I?d known at 12.30 that they wouldn?t be back until gone 3 then I?d have gone to the fair on my own and made arrangements to meet them later. They were visiting us specifically to go to the fair- they have done for a couple of years and we usually spend most of the day there. I?ve no idea what they were planning to do on the Sunday- assume they would have gone off reasonably early as it was a long drive home but they didn?t tell me what time they were planning to go. Even when they went off in the morning, we still had plans to spend the afternoon at the fair. I didn?t swear in front of the children and no- it wasn?t necessary at all for me to say that within their earshot. I do regret it, but really I think the damage had been done by that point as they were already storming off home by then.

I?ve tried to look at the whole thing from their point of view. I was angry when they came in and told them so. And I was probably a bit quiet during dinner, but other than that there was nothing I did wrong. I tried to make things better and forget about it later on. But I sort of feel as though I?ve given up the moral high ground by swearing at them when they got back. With hindsight it?s very easy to see exactly how I should have behaved- but on the other hand I was annoyed (and hungry- which always makes me grumpy anyway!). I feel bad for swearing, but if they?d simply said sorry for being late I?d have apologised for my language and things would have been ok.

It?s probably not salvageable is it? I wish they?d just phone up and apologise for it all. I would happily say sorry for my part in the situation, but I just want some recognition that they understand that treating people like that isn?t on and that my friend realises that she isn?t the victim on all this. It?s such a mess.

[DutchGirly]

You have tried to make amends, your friend/cousin were at fault for not calling you before 12.30 to say they were going to be late and to meet up at the fair.
That way you could have enjoyed your day, have lunch and everybody would have been happy. They choose not to do that for some reason therefore they were at fault.

Gosh, it is not exactly rocket science is it to call when you know you will be late?

You have tried to make peace and there is nothing you can do. At least you can hold up your head high knowing you have done everything you can to salvage the situation.

[mamas12]

Mistakes were made on both sides so you should be able to sort it through friendly apologies but, She doesn't sound like much of a friend really if you all are running around after her making sure she doesn't get upset all the time.
What do you get from this friendship?

[mmrsceptic]

Sunburn is wrong, you didn't over react, and quite frankly I wouldn't bother any more.

I simply wouldn't bother. And just think, you won't have to worry or think about her any more. Losing a self-centred friend can be highly liberating.

Family gatherings -- so what. As dutch says you can hold your head high.

Don't give it any more headroom. You're nice, you've done your best, you don't need to feel guilty and you especially don't need to crawl.

[mmrsceptic]

Ok maybe you shouldn't have used language. But there is simply no point spending any more time worrying about it.

[junglist1]

why do you feel the need to apologise? She isn't a friend, she shouted at you IN YOUR HOME, because you dared to complain about her selfish behaviour. Were the people she bought round invited by you? Tell your cousin you don't have a problem with him but you want the drama queen out of your face

[mmrsceptic]

in fact this little episode has probably done you a favour

she sounds like a pain up the bum

[yellowvan]

I don't think you can do any more now. i think your cousin will come back to you eventually. Learn from it though, it would have been perfectly fine to call them at 1pm and say "I can see you've been held up, never mind. I'm starving, i'll meet you at the fair". It's ok to assert yourself, and you wouldn't have had to miss out on what you wanted to do, and then feel grumpy about it.

[Binkster]

Thank you for the replies. It's what my husband and my mum keep telling me too- I just seem to have got myself into a state about it and it doesn't help that I didn't behave exactly as I wish I had too.

That's an interesting question thesecondcoming. I'm sure they wanted to go though. They told me they were going to their friends and then I got the text saying they were coming back with their friends. The kids were looking forward to the fair and it wasn't particularly a big deal for me, other than that I was looking forward to spending the day with them as we'd planned. We went last year and had a fab time!

I wouldn't say that I was jealous that they wanted to see their other friends- but I think they could have gone about it differently. I understand that it was convenient to see them when they were in the area, it just would have been nice if they'd arranged it properly instead of planning their whole weekend and then expecting us to fall in with whatever they wanted to do. My friend dropped it into conversation a week before they came down that they'd be going out for a few hours and I offered to get their friends tickets for the show, but she said they wouldn't leave the house with their new baby.

But I really don't mind all that so much (thoughtless as I think their lateness was), it's that they then had a go at me for being annoyed- rubbing salt into the wound really. If they'd a) just kept quiet, or b) said sorry for being late it wouldn't have ended like this.

[Sparkletastic]

She sounds like a drama queen and almost looking for an excuse for a ruck. I think you've tried to make peace - which was pretty big of you as I don't think you were in the wrong - and your friend has not reciprocated. She will end up alienating people around her and ultimately becoming isolated from friends and family. She might drag your cousin down with her which would be a shame. Nothing you can do except cultivate a new best friend....

[Binkster]

Yes, I wish I had phoned at 1. The thing was that they weren't all of a sudden 3 hours late. It got to 1 and I thought they'd be back in a bit, and then 2- I just thought they'd be on their way as I assumed that if they weren't they would have called me! And then they texted at 2.30 to say they were leaving. But in hindsight, wish I'd texted at 1 and gone by myself!

[Ceasnake]

Your 'friend' sounds like a self-absorbed prima donna. Life's too short to bother with those kind of people. You've apologised, you've done nothing wrong, ignore her hysterics forthwith

[LittlePeanut]

I am completely with you on this Binkster - can't stand it when people rock up late with no apology, and not even any regognition that it might just have put you out. Selfish, selfish behaviour.

Also I know what it feels like to want to make up, and yet to want an apology first. It's horrible. Your options are

(a) to cave in and apologise (insincerely) just to salvage the relationship or

(b) wait for an apology that may never come, and risk losing the relationship.

It depends on whether you can stomach making an insincere apology, is the relationship worth this? Will you ever really "get over it" if you do this?

I'd go with option b if it was me. But i am a stubborn cow when I believe I'm in the right.

I really think your friend sounds like a high maintenance nightmare though - so maybe best to back away anyway.

[duke748]

I think it sounds like you had a sulk and when she wanted to make up you didn't. By the time you were ready to make up, she was fuming with you. By the time she was ready to make up, you were angry with her again. And so on.

All sounds very petty to me to be honest. More like the kind of arguments I had when I was about 12! Sorry to be a so blunt!

Sometimes someone has to be the bigger person and accept an olive branch when it is handed out. You can always tell her how her behaviour made you feel at a later date, when tensions aren't so high (and partners and kids aren't in earshot).

I do hope you manage to get some kind of resolution on this one though.

[Binkster]

There was no point at which she wanted to make up unfortunately. I tried when we got back, but it didn't work. I'm not sure whether I want to try again. I suspect that if I try, all I will hear about is how rude and awful I was and I'll still end up frustrated that she hasn't apologised.

My instinct is to option 2 too Littlepeanut I'm not sure what to do at the moment. I am sorry that I was angry, so in that sense it wouldn't be insincere. But on the other hand I do genuinely feel that my reaction pales into insignificance against their thoughtlessness and her hysterics. I feel as though if it is me that offers the olive branch then I am saying that her behaviour is ok. Also, coupled with a few other things that have happened (a couple of which I alluded to in my first post), I think this is one occasion where I need to stand up for myself.

[groundhogs]

No, I honestly don't think you have done anything to apologise for.

By the sounds of it, she sounds like she likes to stir things up.

You need someone like that in your life, like a hole in the head.

She's holding onto this argument to try and make some kind of point, she's playing a victim somehow. She was way out of line and she knows it somehow, but won't face up to it.

Ditch her and hope that your cousin sees the light too.