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DP not happy that I'm never in the mood for sex.

(19 Posts)
Sprogstersmum Mon 21-Sep-09 19:50:31

DP not happy with me after I admitted that I never think about having sex - am never really in the mood although I enjoy it when we do but am not enthusiastic about the idea in advance.I don't tend to reject him if he initiates it but I don't ever come onto him. He thinks this must mean I don't fancy him, not interested etc wheras I just feel consumed by looking after kids etc and a lack of romance in our relationship. I wonder if this is why I'm not that interested - I never have time on my own - DP v occasionally looks after kids but I probably have a few hours off once a month. Would also like to go out with DP once in a while but the couple of times I've organised babysitting he's not been v enthusiastic and has not wanted to anything much - I'd really like to go out to eat so we can chat over dinner but he'd rather see a film. He reckons I'm expecting too much if I need to go out to get in the mood. If we don't go out we only have about an hour on our own after kids are in bed (we all eat together) and he says he's too tired to talk but apparently not too tired for sex which just makes me feel I'm only wanted for one thing. Am I being unreasonable to want a bit of attention other than having sex before I feel in the mood?

BalloonSlayer Tue 22-Sep-09 11:41:05

Of course you are not unreasonable.

Maybe the way to explain it to him is that you find him very sexy wink but you don't feel as if you are sexy yourself anymore.

At which point, he'll say "You are, you ARE!"

Then say that you don't find motherhood sexy and that's why you need to go out on a date, have an adult conversation and feel interesting again, like the person you used to be before kids.

See if he gets the point then?

MadameOvary Tue 22-Sep-09 11:44:52

My immediate response to your DH was "Aw Diddums" grin
You're expected to be grateful that he wants a quick shag that'll probably be over before you've even realised what's going on, so will probably leave you feeling unsatisfied and resentful. YANBU.

2010Dad Tue 22-Sep-09 18:35:02

I started off reading your post and was going to suggest that you go out for a meal and spend some time together outside of the family home - then I read further and saw you'd already suggested this to him yourself!

We haven't even got kids yet (DW is pregnant with our first) but even I understand that it's important for couples to go out and have fun and laugh and flirt to keep things from getting mundane with the routine of 9-5 life.

It's a chance for you to put your heels on and for him to enjoy his sexy wife all dressed up and woo you with his charm and charisma, no doubt leading directly to the bedroom (but not guaranteed, of course).

Men can be useless sometimes - perhaps if you repeat the above paragraph to him he might see sense!

BecauseImWorthIt Tue 22-Sep-09 18:39:51

The problem is - men need sex to feel loved, women need to feel loved to want sex.

You both need to recognise that!

posieparker Tue 22-Sep-09 18:41:36

Tell him part of foreplay fro you is being made to feel sexy and valued as a woman, not a mother, This starts with a little dinner and wine.

SolidGoldBrass Tue 22-Sep-09 18:45:01

Hmm. How much housework does he do? Would it be 'bugger all less than his fair share?' Because there is no greater libido destroyer for women than a man who's a lazyarse round the house. When you are parents, both of you need a slot each week of chore-free, child-free time, and in your case, that means time away from your H too (because otherwise you will end up with him taking you out for a cheap dinner and looking at his watch all the way through and asking you if you're horny yet before you've even had your pudding).
Men who behave like your H need to be informed that it's their behaviour that's stopping their sex lives being as active as they like - by being so selfish and lazy, they have turned sex into one more chore that their wives are supposed to perform for the men's benefit and not their own.

Errrnonymous Tue 22-Sep-09 18:50:33

YOU go out! Get dressed up, put on some heels and go out with a friend - leave him with the kids. You might well feel a bit livelier when you get back.

RamblingRosa Wed 23-Sep-09 08:52:36

God, SGB, you're so right! That's the situation I'm in. No libido, never up for it, generally annoyed with my DP and over the last few years have come to see him as a big fat lazy lump who sits around, doesn't help with the housework, doesn't contribute enough financially, and generally acts like a big kid. And then he wonders why I'm not overwhelmed with lust hmm. Sorry, just needed to share that....

diddl Wed 23-Sep-09 09:17:16

It´s difficult, isn´t it.

You spend the whole day with young children making demands of you, and if you´re really tired/not in the mood, it seemd like just another demand.

How old are your children.

Is it also a case of not being fully relaxed as you are listening out for them or concerned that they might walk in?

SolidGoldBrass Wed 23-Sep-09 15:38:13

Few things are a better couple-hood improver than getting a lazyarse man to understand that it's worth putting in his fair share of domestic effort. It's a no lose situation.

Sallyallyally Wed 23-Sep-09 15:47:20

Ok...I'll put on the armour for a bit of outraged abuse...but....sometimes a little goes a long way..and if I'm aware we haven't been rubbing noses (yes..we are eskimos) for a while..even if I'm not in the mood I'll try and stir up some dusty corner of my brain that really enjoyed sex prior to the kids coming along and just go for it....even a quickie is enough to put a spring in my dh step and make him think about what he can do for me in return...and everyones happy. Doesn't always have to be a mindblowing, meaningful and romantic experience, and sometimes the 'mood' doesn't come along very often and dh would get blinkin' bored waiting for it, and when it comes to it I quite like him to get a bit of fun too..just jump in the saddle and have a go..might even enjoy it.

SolidGoldBrass Wed 23-Sep-09 18:04:02

SAA: Could this be because your H is not quite such a selfish lazyarse as to have made you feel that sex is the last thing you want to do for him? There is a difference between a partnership where the one with the lower libido feels sufficiently positive towards the other to make an effort now and again, and a partnership where one partner expects everything including sexual services, on a plate and makes no effort at all.

mmiower Mon 28-Sep-09 23:49:26

I have seen it so many times now, same thing. Time all taken up by kids, tired, not interested in sex and before you know it.... The relationship is becoming strained you argue more and become distant with each other....

The problem is unfortunately, men need to have sex regularly or they go insane and start doing stupid things.

Ask yourself this, would you rather be on your own or put up with a bit of sex now and again. The more you do it the more more

BitOfFun Tue 29-Sep-09 00:01:52

The issue here seems to be lack of time spent as a couple. If all was otherwise ok, and the lack of libido was a bit of a mystery, then by all means try the 'do it more, like it more' route. But purely as a humouring mechanism? This is not the 1950s...

Talk again, OP, and try to make him understand. It shouldn't take too much to put a night aside every week where you stay up and play cards or watch a DVD together. A bit of romance goes a long way.

kickey Tue 27-Oct-09 16:01:43

I had a fantastic sex life with my husband before we had a baby. Things changed since pregnancy.
I watched my body changing during pregnancy, I hated the appearance of stretch marks. Then I breastfed for 18 months and I watched my boobs sagging.

At the moment I do not have particular concerns about my body (I am back to my previous size, and I do not have plans to show my boobs to anyone) but since breastfeeding I cannot stand the idea of my husband coming near my breasts for foreplay. I lost my libido, I do not feel in mood at all, I do not find my husband attractive anymore,I find porn offensive, and I dread the idea of having sex. I do not know what happened to me. My son is 2,5 years old now and yes life is difficult but I am not sure if this is the reason behind my low libido.

I suspect that pregnancy, breastfeeding and childbirth might have traumatised me, and I will never be the same again. I did not talk to my husband about this, he thinks I am too tired for sex. Besides we have sex once a week. I do not want to confront him about my feelings. Instead I close my eyes and try to get through it.

I really don't understand how a night out (e.g a romantic dinner) can change one's attitude towards sex. I hear this advice often, experts suggest that you should play games, have a bath together, buy sex toys, change the room, buy new lingerie etc., and it does not make any sense to me. Do everyone believe that your sex life can be saved by having a few nights off and sharing the housework? I think my sex life would only improve if I had sex with someone else other than my husband, someone I could not relate to my son, breastfeeding, pregnancy and childbirth. However I am not going to have an affair just to prove myself that I am sexually healthy.

Any thoughts please?

OrmIrian Tue 27-Oct-09 16:09:47

sprogster - me too! I actually told DH this a few years ago and he was very hurt sad. Over the years since my libido has bounced up and down like a baby on a trampoline but never been consistently high. If life is just housework and kids, sex becomes just another thing on the to-do list and worst of all, a thing that can only be done last thing at night when all you really want is sleep.

It helps to feel that Dh and I are on the same side - ie he likes me and want to be with me, and vice versa. So time together without the children helps, just being kind to each other, laughing at things. It doesn't magically revive my libido but it makes me want to be close to him again.

HellBent Tue 27-Oct-09 16:11:53

I think you would probably benefit from the advice on this thread too kickey, you have sex once a week anyway, even though you con't enjoy it? Closing your eyes and trying to get through it is not how I'd want to have sex or my partner. This has become a chore for you too then, but you'd probably benefit from some counselling about birth if you still feel traumatised. Have you spoken to your husband at all?

SolidGhoulBrass Tue 27-Oct-09 17:38:38

Kickey: I think you would definitely benefit from some counselling. Were you brought up with a classic madonna/whore attitude ie that nice respectable mothers don't do any more than lie back and think of England

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