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parents act as if my pregnancy doesnt exist

(17 Posts)
jellybean86 Mon 21-Sep-09 16:02:34

Bit of a long one but its super stressing me out!

Im 23 been with my DP who is 24 for a year and im 17+3.
Out of my mum and dad i thought my dad would flip, but my mum went mental and very nasty. She told me i was making a massive mistake, how it would ruin my life and basically told me to leave so i moved in permently with my DP and his family who lives 15miles away. (his parents are amazing and i feel like part of the family. his mum has already bought me and the baby loads of things which is lovely) Dad was calm although didnt say much.
After all the shouting from mum i thought she would calm down and be ok with it, after all im great with kids (im a nanny looking after babies!) and am in a stable relationship with a good man, have a job and am generally a good person.
Mums sister died from cancer 3 days after i told her i was preg, so i know she is very upset about this, as am i.

Since then ive rarely been home. She has hiden my post amongst other things. She rarely rings me (she did everyday previously) and now most of my contact is via my dad, who only talks about the baby sometimes.

Mum only asked 3 weeks ago when i was due. She hasnt offered to buy us anything, no support or anything. She hasnt asked about my midwife appointments, whether weve thought of any names, or how im feeling. (very low tbh). She doesnt even know ive felt the baby kick. The only thing ive asked for is to put bits and bobs in their double garage like stuff for our new home, and i get told their is no room. (and there is) Funny how that when my brother moved house with her gf dad and mum helped do their house and and had the contents of his house in the garage for months. They did everything to help them. Btw me and my brother dont get speak.

When i do go home dad is fine with me, but mum hides away in the kitchen. Its as if the pregnancy doesnt exist. Its not spoke about. When i go back i feel ashamed and like the black sheep. When she saw the 12 week scan pics she cried (not a happy cry)

My nan is very ill in hospital so i went to see her and an aunty from london was there. We had a big chat. Everyone in my large family knows im pregnant and are excited and ive had alot of support fro them, but my parents havent told anyone. So no one in my family has mentioned it to them. When my aunty rang to congratulate mum all she sed was 'yeah'.

My mum wants me to go home to have dinner with my brother to play happy families. why should i go?

It is really upseting me, i feel like im in the wrong and totally abandoned by my parents.

When my LO in born i know that she will act the doting nan. And my view is that if she doesnt bother now she can stick herself when my LO in here.

What do i do?

choosyfloosy Mon 21-Sep-09 16:09:32

I'm sorry that you're feeling so low and that your mum has reacted like this.

It sounds like you're both grieving and this is going to be a difficult patch. It sounds perhaps as if your mum is focusing on sibling relationships after her loss, and is hoping to rebuild the relationship between you and your brother.

I think be kind to yourself at the moment, but also try to be kind to your mum - she's really not totally abandoned you - try your hardest not to make any decisions about the future while things are hard and you are both so sad. I think you are right, she will fall in love with the baby when it comes along (though it may still take a little while) and perhaps it will be easier then for you all. It's good news that you are still visiting and that your dad is keeping things on an even keel.

groundhogs Mon 21-Sep-09 16:12:02

Dunno what to say, that's awful. You don't appear to have done anything wrong, and for whatever reason, you are not the one with the problem.

Right now, you don't need the stress. If you are happy where you are with DP family, then stay put, as long as they are happy for you to do so.

You mum is being very silly, she's letting you down big time, and you may never forget this... let's hope in time you can firgive.

Jeez, my mum was not very supportive with me (I was 38 FGS!!) and didn't tell her mum etc, but she was getting remarried and wanted to be the giddy bride, not the grandmother...

She is a good grandmother now though, has just got back from helping my sister with her 1st baby, so she came through for her, but not for me. I'll forgive her, but i won't easily forget her bailing on me.

It may be the same thing, that she feels she's too young to be grandmother... but in time she'll get over it.

Main thing meantime is to put yourself, your baby and your DP first. Put her out of your mind as much as possible and get on with being a mum to be and then new mum!

Good luck!

jellybean86 Mon 21-Sep-09 16:15:29

Im trying to not think about it but its so hard. Especially when DPs mum has been amazing. I just cant stop crying and i dont wanna go home to see them again.

My mum isnt exactly young though, she is 55!

BalloonSlayer Mon 21-Sep-09 17:54:39

Jellybean lol at your Mum not being young at 55 - I am 45 and my youngest is 2! 55 seems quite young to be a granny to me. It's a matter of perspective grin

That's by the by... I am really sorry for how you are feeling, and how your Mum is behaving. I feel angry on your behalf and sad that you are both missing out on what should be a wonderful mother/daughter time.

Finally getting to the point - I posted because I wanted to express an insight into how she might be feeling.

Her sister has recently died. I think we all understand that we have to die one day, but sometimes I think our understanding of that is rather theoretical, then when people of our own generation start to die it really brings it home in a way that is quite sudden and shocking. The combination of her sister dying "I am now the generation that is starting to pop off" with the announcement of your pregnancy "I am now going to be a granny" may well have been enough to send her into a bit of a panic, or even a depression.

My Dad died last year and my sister has been feeling very low (separately from the grieving). She said she feels as if her life is over now and all she has left to do is work till retirement, retire and die. It's a "Dad's gone, we're next" sort of feeling she's been suffering from.

Hopefully your Mum will improve when your baby is here. I wouldn't blame her if you told her to stick herself, but given that you love her so much I expect you'll end up being the bigger person and building bridges. Which is another thing about parents getting older - you can find yourself up being the sensible one behaving like a parent and they can be the ones stropping and being totally unreasonable and childish.

lilacclaire Mon 21-Sep-09 18:54:00

Lol at being old and decrepit at 55.

My mum didn't speak to me AT ALL for a fortnight at least after I told her I was pregnant, she also said her piece about me ruining my life. My stepdad stayed in touch with me thankfully and eventually my mum got her head round it and was a great support in the end.

During this time, my mums husband (my stepdad), her mum and my dad died (all unexpectedly), so perhaps your mum is wrapped up in grief just now and can't deal with the pregnancy as well.

Im sure she is just very worried about you but can't cope with it at the moment.

Give it time, im sure she will come around.

I would go for the dinner btw, it could be her olive branch.

aurynne Tue 22-Sep-09 07:28:14

Oh my goodness, what's wrong with many mums??? I can't imagine both my parents being anything but exhilarated if I told them I was pregnant!

jellybean, I am so sorry for what you are going through with your parents! I have no idea why they are behaving like that, but you should be allowed to be happy for your child, for your partner and for the new life that you are starting as a whole family! I send you my best wishes and my hope that your mum will eventually see the light... which she will surely do the moment she looks into your beautiful baby!

Concentrate on happy feelings, like thinking of your baby in your arms.

Love and hugs,

Aurynne

mrsbaldwin Tue 22-Sep-09 11:10:47

Jellybean

My mum was a bit like your mum. Not on the financial front - she immediately went out and bought some lovely things and has continued to do that. But on the surface of things she didn't show much 'emotional' interest in the pregnancy.

I'm struck by the 'you'll ruin your life' comment because if I hadn't have been married and 38 I should think my mum would have said the same.

I came to the conclusion after a while that me being pregnant etc brought back a lot of painful feelings for her - she's told me previously that she found pretty much the whole experience of being a mother awful, especially when we were little.

Could your mum be feeling a touch of the same - revisiting old painful feelings?

The good news: when my DS was born my mum was delighted and loves to see him/look after him. So things may work out well in the end ...

mummee09verity Tue 22-Sep-09 16:07:32

hiya jellybean

just wanted to send (((((hugs)))))) - i know how awful it is feeling unsopported by your mum during pregnancy as a similar thing happened to me.

i have a 3 1/2 year old from a previous relationship and now have a 4 month old DD from my present relationship (i have been with my fiancee just over 2 years)

he is older than me and has been married before so my parents were always a bit wary of our relationship. when we had been together a year i found out i was pregnant with my DD, we were thrilled and over the moon but my mum was very disapproving, probably because we hadnt been together long and the age gap etc. and the fact the kids would have 2 different dads.

throughout my whole pregnancy she was uninterested and unsupportive, and i found it very hurtful and never quite understood why, as she was thrilled when i was pregnant the 1st time round with my DS.

BUT i have to say, since my daughter has been born, my mum has been much better, she loves her to bits and often babysits for them both. so what i am trying to say is that i am sure your mum will come round when your baby is here.

and also as other posters have said, remmeber that she is going through a bereavement so that may also be clouding her feelings.

good luck hun

love mummeeverity xx

StealthPolarBear Tue 22-Sep-09 16:15:28

I can understand what the OP meant by the 55 comment - surely at 55 (although not old) she can't be anywhere near the first of her peers to become a GM and so must have accepted that she's of grandparent age by now?? Whereas if you become a GM in your early 40s when your friends are having babies / have young families it could suddenly make you feel quite old before your time.
OP - is it worth talking to your mum about it? You are being completely reasoanable, but it does sound as though she's grieving and low and is irrationally taking it out on you.
congratulations on the pregnancy btw

JustAnotherManicMummy Tue 22-Sep-09 16:36:20

Your mum sounds a loon. It is her loss and, although it's hard, try to ignore her bad behaviour and focus on your family. ie you, DP and baby.

She'll get over herself eventually.

She is treating you like a child while behaving like a spoilt one herself.

It is a horrible shock when our mums stop being our parent and start behaving like they're the child. IMHO it happens to everyone, but often when we're teenagers so this must be extra hard when you probably feel you should be building a relationship that is based around you both being parents where she becomes confidant, advisor and advocate for you.

And of course the hormones make everything seem 100x worse.

You will get through this. Hold your head up and enjoy this time with or without her.

sheepgomeep Wed 30-Sep-09 12:47:29

I know this thread is more than a week old but I just wanted to say that I'm going through the same thing with my mum at the moment.

I am pg with no 4 and she is just not interested at all, she wasn't interested with no 3 either and in fact asked me if i would consider an abortion because i was making a massive mistake having a baby with my then new partner.

My dad was alive then and he was very ill (he died 3 weeks after dc3 was born) but it didn't stop both of them running me down at every oportunity, my parents refused to talk about the baby and my dad didn't want 'it' in the house when she was born because they disaproved so much, they would call my pregnancy self inflicted and my mum would call me selfish for talking about it because my dad was dying slowly of cancer.

When she was born though, my dad at least came round and adored the 3 weeks he had with his newborn grandaughter and I'm so greatful for that but my mum although I know she is fond of dc3 (my dd2) she is uninterested in her, she will lavish all her affection on my first 2 children, and even then she prefers my 9 yr old.

My mum is still grieving for my dad and I know it has affected her feelings, she is is very wrapped up in my nan too who is in a home, and giving my mum hell. I'm trying to see things from her point of view but it isn't always easy, it's so hurtful when I feel she doesn't care. With this pregnancy she will ask how are me and the kids but won't listen to the answers, she will immediately change the subject on to her life and her feelings and how depressed she is and I find myself now withdrawing a little from her.

She told me once I had no right to grieve as much as her because she was his wife and I was just his daughter, I have never forgotten that and I have buried my grief as much as I can because she has made me believe that.

Anyway I think its the first time I've ever cried whilst writing a thread,

Lemonylemon Wed 30-Sep-09 13:00:20

I went through the same thing with my mum when I was pregnant with my daughter. I was 44 at the time, fgs. She hated my OH so much that my pregnancy wasn't acknowledged. When he died when I was 6 months pg she was on holiday and didn't come back for another 10 days. When my daughter was born, she wouldn't hold her for weeks....

They get on like a house on fire now and my mum adores my DD who's nearly 2.

I, on the other hand, have just had to come to terms with the fact that my mum is a "funny old bird" and I keep my distance emotionally.....

jellybean86 Fri 02-Oct-09 12:05:26

Its a rubbish situation, and i wish i could give u both a massive hug! I confronted my mum who turned it all back on my, saying it was my fault cos i didnt involve her. Absolutely stupid. xx

mathanxiety Sat 03-Oct-09 20:13:45

Really sorry for you, sheepgomeep. Seriously, what happened to all these women to make them so self-involved and cruel?

groundhogs Sun 04-Oct-09 20:52:19

my mum was off with me, didn't want to be a grandmother etc...

oh she came round and is a good GM now, but the damage somehow was done.

i thought she was going to be delighted... she barely said a word, but i didn't let it get to me then, cos why would anyone be so bloody miserable as to not be happy for their first born having her fist one...

I could be wrong, but i reckon that generation for whatever reason is soo vain and self absorbed. Not only the women, the men too. Perhaps this particular kind of thing happening between daughters and their mothers is a side-effect of the Womens Lib era, they were the first generation that were allowed to do things outside the home, have a career etc... So being a GM isn't glamourous for them?

Oh and I'm well aware of the rights we have thanks to our foremothers, having gone thru what i've gone thru, seen what i've seen, there isn't a day that goes past I don't give thanks to God for the brave women (and men) that devoted their lives, literally in some cases, so that we can have more equal rights here today.

ErikaMaye Sun 04-Oct-09 23:23:51

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, sounds so horrible

My parents have been amazing right from the start, but DP's were... Well, I guess blank would be the best word to describe it. His mum and stepdad pointed out every single negative possibility, and tried to change my mind about keeping the baby (not a chance). His dad has only recently started asking about the baby - am due in six weeks!!

However, am now getting on fantastically with his mother, spoke to her today actually. What I'm trying to say is that sometimes it takes a while for people to come round.

I really hope your mum does soon, and starts to support you. x

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