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DP and I are going to have a big chat this evening

(28 Posts)
Bleh Mon 21-Sep-09 15:35:36

and I am terrified. Things have not been going well recently, he's really stressed at work, things are falling apart between us and we have been at each other's throats for months. I really want this to work, but it just doesn't seem to be right now. Lots of friends and family members seem to be so happy in their relationships (keep on finding out about engagements, moving in togethers, babies and so on), whereas we are so miserable, and DP won't even acknowledge that we're miserable.

It's been a tough day at work; I'm only just holding it together, but have a few more hours to go and then need the strength to go and face up to DP. Last night I was in tears all evening thinking about this. I can't talk to my parents about it because all they can come up with is "why aren't you married yet?" and when I complain about all the pressure from them and others to settle down and commit to each other, all I get is "just ignore it". Part of the reason why we're having this discussion is because so many BLOODY people have been asking recently.

bigchris Mon 21-Sep-09 15:38:20

maybe he's going to propose?
good luck

Bleh Mon 21-Sep-09 15:40:45

I'm the one who initiated the discussion, so I don't think so ...

bigchris Mon 21-Sep-09 15:41:24

what about suggesting counselling?

MorrisZapp Mon 21-Sep-09 15:46:28

bigchris, why would OP want proposal from someone who can't admit that they have been miserable for months?

OP, please don't feel you have to be married, engaged or having a baby in order to satisfy your parents. They've made their life choices, you have to make yours too.

Getting married is great fun I don't doubt but it would just be papering over the cracks here. Don't look on this 'chat' as a potential fight, look on it as a great opportunity to get you and DP on the same page, or (slightly scarier) to see if you do actually want the same things from the relationship.

bigchris Mon 21-Sep-09 15:52:27

maybe i read too much btw the lines

i thought this sentence ' Part of the reason why we're having this discussion is because so many BLOODY people have been asking recently. ' meant she wanted to get married

MorrisZapp Mon 21-Sep-09 15:56:56

Oh right. I see that now.

OP, you can't possibly consider marrying somebody to stop your friends from badgering you.

Is so the wrong reason.

EvenBoringMyselfNow Mon 21-Sep-09 15:59:30

do you want to be married? does he feel under pressure to propose? do you have kids?

Bleh Mon 21-Sep-09 16:09:03

No kids, just continual harassment.

Part of me would like to, but I have doubts and would like to be able to make such a big decision without being badgered into it. Incidentally, my one colleague has just announced to others that she's getting married (I knew) and one of the colleagues turned to me and said "Bleh, you must be gutted because she beat you down the aisle". ARGH

LuluMamaaaaarrrrr Mon 21-Sep-09 16:10:21

what is it that is making you miserable?

whatever it is, forcing his hand to propose or proposing yourself won't make it better

EvenBoringMyselfNow Mon 21-Sep-09 16:17:00

how long have you been together? do you mind me asking how old you are?

tbh, in your position knowing what I know now, having a shitty marriage now with 2 kids (they are the UP side of course but do make things much more difficult, there is no denying it) and my back against the wall, I would leave. Split up amicably whatever and move on. What's the point? It sounds miserable and looks like it isn't just a blip but has been bad for ages. I WISH I had read the warning signs before I got married/had kids. I wouldn't have wasted the last 16 years.

sorry if this is a bit blunt

Bleh Mon 21-Sep-09 16:17:30

I think what makes me miserable is that there's so much pressure from him on me to do things, like learn his home language, and as I'm not progressing as quickly as he'd like and not studying it ALL the time, he gets upset with me. He's so sensitive about every single comment I make, getting all huffy when I make the most mundane comment and takes it personally, whereas he feels free to criticise me on an ongoing basis (I'm too moody, he doesn't like what I'm wearing, I eat too much cake, I complain too much, I do blah). I'm just worn down right now, and being miserable in a relationship and having people constantly asking when you're going to tie yourself to this person for life just makes it worse.

TheMightyToosh Mon 21-Sep-09 16:23:48

OP I would seriously consider what you get from this relationship. The things you mention ("he doesn't like what I'm wearing, I eat too much cake") make me think it is not a healthy relationship at all. That is no way for you partner in life to talk to you.

You should be friends! You should be on each others' side! Not against each other, insulting each other!

I would seriously try to work out whether either of you is really happy with the other and if there is still anything there worth fighting for, or if you are just trying to stay together because you think it is easier than splitting up.

Trust me - that is no way to live, being critisised by someone all the time. You could find someone who is NICE to you and makes you HAPPY instead!

I know it may not be that easy and straightforward for you on a practical basis, only you know if you can do that, but you do need to see the wood for the trees here and really look at the important bits - i.e. are you HAPPY? - without being bogged down by the practicalities etc.

Ultiamtely, you have one life - don't waste it being miserable with the wrong person smile

MorrisZapp Mon 21-Sep-09 16:24:27

Bleh, with a DP like that, surely your friend's wedding expectations are the least of your worries.

You sound like you do need to have a heart to heart with him, to see if you both want the same from the relationship.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Mon 21-Sep-09 16:26:22

He sounds horrid and really controlling .

RumourOfAHurricane Mon 21-Sep-09 16:26:33

Message withdrawn

Poledra Mon 21-Sep-09 16:26:37

Bleh, does he do anything to make you feel happy, loved, positive about yourself? I have days when I feel like DH is always criticising, but overall, he makes me more happy than unhappy, IYSWIM. And, to be fair, I usually feel DH is criticising me all the time when I am already feeling negative about myself, so I take his comments very much to heart.

What needs to change to make it work for you both?

ParisFrog Mon 21-Sep-09 16:28:24

I feel for you Bleh. I was in a relationship like that where it seemed that I was living under permanent criticism. Thing is, I didn't really see it until it was over, when I realised just how much he'd been trying to change me. To be honest, the biggest eye opener came from my current DP - he accepts me as I am, with all my faults, and loves me for who I am.

Can you go away for the weekend with a couple of girlfriends? Because if both of you are stressed out with work as well, then you're not going to be able to see clearly and get your priorities straight. You need to know if you want to work at it or if it's time to end it.

I think the fact that you feel under pressure from other people shows that you are not ready to make this commitment to him - but don't feel bad about that! Feel good that you are mature enough not to be a sheep and follow the rest of the world down the aisle. It's your life and you can live it however you choose.

groundhogs Mon 21-Sep-09 17:06:51

Hate to be blunt, but if it's like this and you're not already married, got kids etc etc, then it's not ever going to get any better than this...

As harsh as it sounds, you are wasting your time with this one... Deep breath, be brave and end it.

Bleh Tue 22-Sep-09 09:25:59

Well, we didn't end it. We were overdue a chat by a long way, as things had been building up for a while; there were things he was unhappy about as well, which we managed to get out in the open. It really, really helped. There were things I was doing to him that I didn't realise, and likewise for him.

I think I'd become so caught up in seeing the negative side of things and the stress that we're both going through that I had fogotten (to an extent) how sweet he is and the things he does do for me.

moondog Tue 22-Sep-09 09:29:55

How old are you?

diddl Tue 22-Sep-09 09:31:06

Sounds blöödy complicated!

I´ve been married quite a few years and we´ve never been "overdue a chat"??
Nothing builds up-you sort out as you go along,don´t you?

Sounds awfully hard work your way!

moondog Tue 22-Sep-09 09:38:26

Loving your umlauts Diddl!

Bleh Tue 22-Sep-09 09:49:39

Both 27

PrincessToadstool Tue 22-Sep-09 09:58:20

He thinks you eat too much cake and doesn't like how you dress, yet he is 'sweet'?

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