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Is she mad/should I care/Am I mad???!! (long)

(27 Posts)
chickybabe Mon 21-Sep-09 11:53:06

Hi all. Posted a couple of times but I'll give you a quick background.

After many ups and downs over the years (11 to be exact), H left just under 2 months ago, as we had just hit a wall. He has changed so much from when we got married and I just didnt feel like I could put anymore work or effort into a marriage that was making me very unhappy. Its not the first time we have seperated - we always end up together again (if you can be addicted to a person - that is the problem we both have). So a few days after he left, he told me he had met someone else. This is going to sound mad, but I was so happy he had gone at the time it didnt bother me as much as it should have and it didnt suprise me as he's rubbish at being on his own.

He had no job, nowhere to go and this woman said she could stay with her.

Fastforward to now, and my feelings have become confused...we still love each other, are getting on well, still do all the family stuff, he rings and texts all the time. The OW hasn't met any of his friends or family, and there are no plans for her to. I have started divorce proceedings and he wants me to halt them. I have pointed out to him whilst he's still there (now he has a job that takes him away so its only at the weekends and even then only at night) it is totally out of the question. He's said that he looks at OW as a friend and feels like he's made a huge mistake, but does admit he has led her to beleive he feels more ~(i know - nice guy). I have finally been honest with him this weekend and told him in an ideal situation he would be on his own, making changes because he wants to, and ultimatley would win my trust back and we could get our family back the way it used to be when things were good. He didnt realise there would ever be any chance of us reconcilling, and sees that he has made bad choices because of that.

I wanted to tell him how I felt to put it out there and see what he does with it. We are both unsure of whether he is selfless enough to leave a cushy situation when there is no guarentee he could be with me again, but I figured it was better to find out for sure then spend the rest of my life wondering.

As for OW is she nuts and should I care?? This woman has taken on a man she knows is married and knew how long we had been apart before he started up with her (the 1 time I have spoken to her I told her that myself), knows he has 2 young dc with me, got him a contract phone and knows he spends the total of about an hour a day on the phone to me and countless texts go back and forth. She has her own children and has let a total stranger be around them, and until very recently has been completly financially supporting him. And I know what you'll all say - it must have been going on before - it was defo not.

Am I completly nuts for even contemplating allowing him a chance to get his family back? I have been with him for so long and know him inside out, but I know you all think him a complete c word!!!! I am well aware that he would have had to do alot of lying and manipulating to get her to do all this stuff, but still she must be desperate aswell??

I know you all may think I'm as crazy as her, but 2 months in and this isnt getting any easier. I want to be sure I've made the right choice to divorce him - my children are devestated about him leaving and there is a huge chunk missing out of all 3 of us. I could never hurt them again like this so if we did reconcile it would be after a very long time and alot of hard work....or should I just leave it as it is and just try and get on with my life without him??

I've suggested to take this week he's away for to really think about it, in the mean time do reckon you can help me??!!!

MmeLindt Mon 21-Sep-09 11:58:24

I think that he is never going to be the loyal, dependable man that you and your DC deserve. (Going only by your OP)

The separating and reconcilling must be confusing for your DC. I would not put them through it again, particularly as he is still livign wiht someone else. Not exactly showing his commitment to you and his DC

caramelwaffle Mon 21-Sep-09 12:08:59

Is there any reason why you cannot start living together again and taking things from there? Your feelings for each other are obviously very strong.

Although going by your OP, my gut feeling is to second what Mmelindt has said

DuelingFanjo Mon 21-Sep-09 12:10:43

is she nuts? Only as nuts as he's making her out to be!

aurynne Mon 21-Sep-09 12:11:33

I second the two previous posts, and would like to add that the OW is not to blame. When she invited him into her house, you two had broken up. If you want to blame someone, blame your husband. It is very typical of us women to take it onto the OW, and we tend to forget the OW was single and started dating someone who had terminated his relationship, ergo, he was also single.



SolidGoldBrass Mon 21-Sep-09 12:14:57

Don't take this nobber back, he will carry on flouncing off to 'find himself' every five minutes. He sounds like the sort who loves to have women running round after him and is very good at playing the 'too sensitive for this cruel world and nothing is ever my falut' game.

colditz Mon 21-Sep-09 12:16:23

YOu're nuts, you know you're nuts, and you're trying to push the blame for your disgusting husband's behavior onto a woman you've never met, who may be eating a similar sized crock of bullshit to the one your appalling husband is currently feeding you.

Your husband left you, for someone else, and now it's all going sour he wants to come back.

I bet he's told you they don't have sex, right?

So WHAT if she was desperate! Does that make him a nicer person, just because his manipulative behavior works better on people who are desperate?

She has done you a favour, stop trying to turn her into your enemy in your head so you can push all your husbands revolting behavior onto her head and take him back without a qualm. Take him back if you want to but don't have any illusions that he is anything but a cocklodging manipulative bastard. He cares about you not one iota more than he cares about her - you just happen to suit his life better right now.

tiredemma Mon 21-Sep-09 12:18:54

Your DH sounds like a knob.

macdoodle Mon 21-Sep-09 12:27:13

one word co-dependancy! Been there done that!
If you want to truly fuck your kids up, keep going just the way you are and you guarantee they will make the same bad choices you are!
There comes a time when you have to say enough and mean it and do whats best for all of you!

YeahBut Mon 21-Sep-09 12:27:35

I suspect that your kids are unhappy because there is no certainty in their lives because of your chaotic yo-yo relationship with their dad.
Personally, I think you would all be better off if you finally called it a day. You're not Burton and Taylor.

chickybabe Mon 21-Sep-09 12:35:27

Wow, not suprised at the reaction though.
Caramel - I'm not willing to have him back the way he is, and I cannot ever put my dc through this again, so him moving back is not an option at the moment.

To the rest of you, I am trying not to make her into the enemy. I am not blasting her for what she has done, as I am fully aware its my H that is the problem here. I just dont understand how someone who is 10 years older can be this foolish, but I guess thats not really my concern.

Colditz, no he hasn't told me they are not having sex. I do have my eyes wide open when it comes to him and he's been pretty honest when I've asked him anything which has only just been recently. He's not asking to come back, as there were parts of the relationship breakdown that were my fault too. We were just exploring the idea that if an attempt to reconcile was possible, we would both have to be on our own working out the issues we have (1 of his being long term m/h problems) and to leave things running with OW any longer would be unfair to her. This was never about me taking him back without a qualm as you put it, but staying seperated but ALONE to see if we could make the changes that it would take for us to get back together succesfully.

mrsboogie Mon 21-Sep-09 12:37:42

I don't get why posters are saying that she is blaming the OW - she isn't. She hasn't sad a bad word about her -except that she must be nuts to be supporting him and putting up with all his cr*p - which, to be fair, she must be!

OP yu have doen all you can - you have put it "out there" If he wants to become the man that he needs to be n order to win his family back then he knows what he has to do. If he does that in some faroff magical parallel universe then you can think again about your future together.In the meantime you shoud get onwith your life with your kids.

you're not still sleeping with him too are you?

macdoodle Mon 21-Sep-09 12:40:50

well OP is just as mad for putting up with his crap for 11 years so why should anyone else be any different!

Odds on OP IS still sleeping with him!

chickybabe Mon 21-Sep-09 12:41:51

I absoulutly do not want to fuck up my kids. This is the first time we have seperated for our youngest and the 2nd time for our eldest, I just wanted to get things right so we could all be happy. I totally get the point about co-dependancy. I guess letting it go whilst I can is probably the best way to go sad

chickybabe Mon 21-Sep-09 12:43:31

No I'm not sleeping with him too, I do have some self respect

MmeLindt Mon 21-Sep-09 12:44:53

I don't think that you are blaming the OW.

But you are never going to be able to get on with your life and get over your failed marriage if you continue to let him have so much contact.

By all means, stay civil for your childrens' sake but spending an hour on the phone every day plus texts. It is not good.

How many times have you split up before? What makes you think that this time would be different?

FabBakerGirlIsBack Mon 21-Sep-09 12:45:16

I don't see that the OW is relevant tbh to you. Why should you care what she is? You told him there was a chance for you to get back together but he is still with her...

Ivykaty44 Mon 21-Sep-09 12:51:18

coldtiz has it wrapped up sad in what she wrote.

chickybabe Mon 21-Sep-09 12:53:58

We've only seperated twice since we've been married. This is the first time I've ever gone down the divorce route, and it seems to have shocked him. The only reason I feel it could be different this time is that I am different. I could have had him back anytime and I have stayed alone, trying to work myself out. I would never settle again for words and promises. I have told him that he is no different then any other man wanting to be in my life, that he would have to tick all the same boxes and the fact he is my dc father doesnt grant him automatic access back into my life. I think in the past I've enabled him to treat me badly by asking for nothing more. The way I look at it if he was ever going to change for himself now will be the time.

Fab - I see your point but I only told him on Sat and i wanted him to take the week he will be away to have a proper think about it.

BrokenBananaTantrum Mon 21-Sep-09 12:56:26

This is so classically can't live with each other - can't live without each other. Although the reality is that you CAN live without each other. You do seem to have put up with a lot from this man but that was your choice. However now is the time to re think and decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with this man. I know it's a cliche but life is short and you deserve to have a good one.

Children are amazingly adaptable as long as they know whats happening, when its happening and with who. They will be able to change to fit with whatever routine you and h come up with but it is important that they have a routine.

I don't know if you should have him back or not. Only you can decide that. You need to weigh up if life is better with him or without him IN THE LONG RUN. Try not to focus on what is happening now but where you will be in a year. Picture it in your head. What does it look like a year from now? Are there other pictures that look nicer????

macdoodle Mon 21-Sep-09 12:57:34

But you are spending an hour on the phone to him every day, and numerous texts! Its not healthy and sounds very destructive to me!

When it was first mentioned to me that my relationship with XH was co-dependant, I bristled and got all defensive, because of course "I had changed", "I knew what I wanted", blah blah blah, it was all crap, I was just as entangled in the destructive relationship as was he and the OW!

The more I googled and red the more I understood and realised, and it has been a long hard haul to disentangle myself, but I know in the end we will all (him included) be better for it!

chickybabe Mon 21-Sep-09 13:02:36

Broken, you are totally right. The children are up and down with how they feel. But we're doing all we can - they have the same routine at home as they always have had, its just now H phones them every morning and night to talk to them and has them here at the house on a Sat and takes them out on his own on a Sun.

I just cant answer your last question - maybe because for so long my future has been based around him...??? I can see it could be good on my own, because I know I can be on my own it could only be good with him if he sorted himself out - am realsing now I need to make myself happy and not define myself by how he behaves - if that makes any sense.

chickybabe Mon 21-Sep-09 13:05:04

Thank you macdoodle, its nice to hear there is light at the end of the tunnel!

AnyFucker Mon 21-Sep-09 14:13:30

this bloke sounds like the absolute definition of a cocklodger

the only way I would give him any headspace is if he moved out from the OW's gaff, lived/lodged (with family or male friend) and then proved to you over a substantial period of time (at least a year) that he means what he says by his actions

I would immediately stop all the texting/phone calls etc. By doing that you are still providing him with emotional support

Make your contact business-like and to do with the kids only

He is a user and I would have to be 100% convinced that he could stand on his own two feel before I would allow him to be a useful member of your family

You have enough children, he has to grow up or forfeit his place as live-in Dad

AnyFucker Mon 21-Sep-09 14:13:59

*feet, not feel

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