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I think my marriage ended tonight. What do I do?

(37 Posts)
SweetAmaryllis Sun 20-Sep-09 21:34:01

We've been having rows, big rows, ever since DS was born. Tonight, we had a blazer of a row and he kicked me. I told him to leave. He's still here - can't go anywhere - but says the marriage is over. What do I do?

sincitylover Sun 20-Sep-09 21:39:22

How old is your DS? The first year after a baby is born is an enormous adjustment and big rows are common.

Are you both sleep deprived? Even if you were kicking you is completely not on sad

Do you think it's heat of the moment or he really means it?

Sorry for all the questions and sorry that this has happened.

preciouslillywhite Sun 20-Sep-09 21:39:58

No idea sad

But bumping for you.

How old is ds? was booze involved?

Niftyblue Sun 20-Sep-09 21:40:37

He should not have kicked you angry
Could you go anywhere tonight?

Louby3000 Sun 20-Sep-09 21:41:52

Heyyyyy you ok OP?? Come back on. You safe?

BrokenFlipFlop Sun 20-Sep-09 21:42:15

Are you okay ie where he kicked you? Do you mean he can't go anywhere OR you can't go anywhere? Do you have any family at all close by?

SweetAmaryllis Sun 20-Sep-09 21:46:27

Don't worry about all the questions - I need to spill my guts really.
DS is 15 months.
We have a tricky situation - DH (!) works at the other end of the country, but I'm close to my parents and work quite flexi hours. I'm very career oriented, and so is DH. I've had the brunt of the childcare really, and I've become quite whingey etc because I'm also a feminist and hate the whole role I'm in. But I love my DS, obviously!
Not really sleep deprived these days although I have a hellish week coming up at work, and I've been tetchy and snappy all day, and I'm quite ruthless and intolerant really. blush But I feel DH coasts along without having to deal with minor issues like laundry and food shopping.
Anyhow, that's all the pathetic sniping... He's hit me before. We're not talking a beating here, mainly more of a flick. But the kick today was unacceptable, and I told him to go. But it seems it's actually over, and he actually is going to leave. I kind of thought he would beg forgiveness...but he says the end has been a long time coming. I'm now desperate to beg for forgiveness - but then, he doesn't seem to respect me, and he wouldn't kick his dog, so why me? I'm...confused, panicky...the urge to keep going and manage is very strong. But OMG, this is massive.

SweetAmaryllis Sun 20-Sep-09 21:48:31

Sorry, I'm ok. He kicked me in the bum. (!!) Obv. not life threatening violence, but to me any violence is wrong. And I always said I'd immediately leave someone who hit me. Except I've not.
He can't go anywhere due to me living in the back of beyond. I could take DS to my Mum's, but that would be, well, admitting this is happening. Oh, so confused.

stainesmassif Sun 20-Sep-09 21:52:45

Amaryllis - you are absolutely right. kicking you is completely unacceptable. your husband should be begging you for forgiveness. end of story. don't allow him to make you feel guilty. expecting your partner to share household chores is not pathetic. you created a life together, you care for it together. don't allow him to make you feel responsible for his inability to control his temper.

Louby3000 Sun 20-Sep-09 21:53:55

Bloody Hell, I think you guys could do with a bit of space and get some perspective. You have a kid you are tied to each other, so you know if he leaves tonight, he will come back.
I dont understand why you are OK with a "bit of a flick"? Surely this is the slippery slope?
Sleep on it. Let him leave.

ThatVikRinA22 Sun 20-Sep-09 21:56:23

fwiw i wouldnt be so worried about admitting it - you need to be safe and have some time out for both of you to calm down and let the dust settle. id go to your mums for the night, you dont have to keep it hidden and you might welcome a chance to talk it over with someone who isnt embroiled in the ins/outs of it all.
it will give you chance to think about what you want.

motherlovebone Sun 20-Sep-09 21:57:18

just want to send my support.

how dare he.


SweetAmaryllis Sun 20-Sep-09 22:03:20

I'm not feeling in danger, though. I could take him (he's quite puny). smile But it's the lack of respect, because it's never acceptable, right? Not even a flick - because that's not normal. I do know that.

I have this big fear though...single mum, hectic busy life, I live for my work (and my DS, but then he's not going anywhere and my work might not be feasible on my own). And having a failed marriage when in many ways I had a perfect setup, and I'm seen as someone who copes with everything; I would be seen as nasty-woman-with-balls in some circles... Also, obv. (or maybe not!) DH adores DS, and vice versa. DH has been a big support to me through v. difficult times, and he's always the one I turn to - in this case I so want to ask him his opinion etc, but we're not speaking. It's all so weird, like he was possessed. Dr Jekyll Mr Hyde and all that.

Sorry this is all v. disjointed and confused.

SweetAmaryllis Sun 20-Sep-09 22:04:44

Going to bed (separately to him) but I so do not want to wake up to this in the morning. sad

Louby3000 Sun 20-Sep-09 22:05:54

Not at all, this is massive. What is he doing now?

Louby3000 Sun 20-Sep-09 22:07:06

Night, things will look better in the am.

morningpaper Sun 20-Sep-09 22:08:08

No advice just.... keep talking if you need to. Lots of people are listening, even if they are not sure what to say. XXX

motherlovebone Sun 20-Sep-09 22:09:49

dont worry about how others view you.

you will cope as a singe mum, im sure, if thats what you want.

you def. need some space though, a cooling off period. maybe see how you feel/cope without him a while.

could your parents help with childcare until you find your feet?

ideal word, what do you want?

causeforconcern Sun 20-Sep-09 22:27:52

Message withdrawn

groundhogs Sun 20-Sep-09 22:47:24

Just wishing you a good night's sleep and a rosier day tomorrow.. Thinking of you

hanaboo Mon 21-Sep-09 00:55:50

sometimes a break is all u need. could u maybe suggest this to him and say perhaps with a bit of compromise on both sides the marriage could still work?

mathanxiety Mon 21-Sep-09 05:19:35

Saying a bit of compromise on both sides is like admitting he has a right to kick and "flick" you, and deal with problems not by talking respectfully but by essentially shutting you up with violence. Violence is about control. It is not about respect. It comes from a place where there is no respect for the relationship or the other person, or recognition of the other person's right to communicate and live without fear.

meerkatsandkookaburras Mon 21-Sep-09 06:26:33

just wanted to add if you do choose to leave and go to a refuge, they are lovely places with lovely staff xxxx ive been before, its hard and emotional but uts ok xx

skidoodle Mon 21-Sep-09 06:52:12

If he works at the other end if the country, how it unfair that you bear the brunt of the childcare?

Repeated massive rows are very stressful. If you have been causing them because you feel aggrieved then you may have put him under more pressure than he can bear.

It sounds like you both need a break from the relationship and to try to put things back together with some professional help.

HappyWoman Mon 21-Sep-09 09:24:56

it does sound as if you have both said and done things that you would like to 'forgive'. Of course any physical violence is not acceptable and if that is truly how you feel then you must stick to that and he must leave. Seek support from whoever you can and dont for one moment think you are wrong for that or that you have failed in anyway.

However you seem from your post not so sure - and that maybe you actually want to forgive him - but is that making you question yourself??

I like many others thought that if my h had an affair that would be it - however when faced by it i too like you was scared and if anything the confusion i have about how i can justify 'allowing' that is worse.

With help you can get back on track if that is what you want - but you must both face up to it and deal with it and work together.

Good luck and hope you feel ok today.

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