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i know its not friday but can we talk bdsm?

(18 Posts)
justfantasy Sun 20-Sep-09 11:15:13

ok, i have met this guy who is heavily into bdsm and has a very large latex fetish.
I am surprised by my reaction to it as it turns me on a whole lot...... im not shocked and am more than willing to give it a go. Its almost like its completey tapped into something in my head and to be honest i can think of little else.

ive got two concerns..... first one being, it almost feels really dangerous to go down that route, as i said, already i can think of little else, i feel like it may be all consuming and very very intense, adn that scares me a little bit.

secondly, if you take it to extreams you cant have a safe word.. hey you cant even have a safe action... and that also worries me.

Does anyone know anything about this at all?
I feel really really into it, but i fear its rather a case of all or nothing and there is no middle ground. Or that that middle ground goalposts will end up being moved as boundaries get pushed.
Is it better to just walk away and leave it in fantasy land?

cheekysealion Sun 20-Sep-09 11:52:46

i know i have been single for a long time but i have no clue what it stands for?

argento Sun 20-Sep-09 11:57:50

Not having a safeword sounds like absolute bollocks. Unless you're in a very secure, trusting long-term relationship where you both absolutely know each other's limits, then of course you need a safeword.

Anyone who tells you that you can't have a safeword if you want to do it properly is dangerous and manipulative.

SolidGoldBrass Sun 20-Sep-09 11:58:45

Right. I think there may be a ot you haven't mentioned yet because a 'latex fetish' is not what I would call 'dangerous bdsm' myself, but I can see that something is bugging you. This business about not having a safeword - is this coming from your new man? If so dump him now he's an irresponsible twat at the very least.
As to the 'no midle ground' thing, that;s rubbish. It;s not a religious cult (though you will encounter the odd nobboid who can bore for Britain on ritualistic surrender and shamanism and all that) where you can't renegotiate, change your mind or walk off at any time. Lots of people are into BDSM to a greater or lesser extent, and they are the usual mixture of lovely interesting potential new friends, tedious lamers, ego-trippers, bores and a tiny minorty of complete arseholes.
I recommend some reading around the subject: Emmily Dubberley has a new book out, or you could try AIshling Morgan's Naughty. Or have a look here for all sorts of info and opinions, some of which will demonstrate my above point about the mixture of nice people and tosspots to be found on the fetish scene...

cheekysealion Sun 20-Sep-09 12:11:09

still dont know will have to google and hope no one looks at my history

justfantasy Sun 20-Sep-09 12:11:19

no - its not the latex fetish that is the dangerous bit - its the bondage.
and what i mean about middle ground is that, you try something, you like it... you go that little step further the next time... and boundaries keep getting pushed... and you keep stepping it up.. i worry slightly about where i will end up.

with regards to the safe word.. that is totally my sticking point. i will not do anything unless i can have one... or its just too dangerous. But then if you are bound and gagged and blindfolded..... how can you have one?

he is totally not pushing me into anything, and said that things come with time as you have to build trust.. so thats good, but completley submitting to the level that we both want ( i do ) still causes a bit of a sticking point in my head.

Slight appologies for the subject on a sunday morning, i just needed to get it off my chest and i realise that some people may thunk its odd. Hey i wold have thougth it was odd, but actually its very heady and intimate...

Malificence Sun 20-Sep-09 12:24:30

Tbh, I'd me more concerned if the only sex he enjoys, or responds to, is of the bdsm variety.

Does he enjoy "ordinary" lovemaking too?

Like anything else, bdsm would surely get very boring if it's all that's on the menu?

Does he only get aroused by latex, a single, all encompassing fetish would get hugely annoying for me I'm afraid as it's more about the "thing" than the other person.

I wouldn't think that focussing only on one aspect of sex is very healthy either, it would soon become as boring as sex on a Saturday night at 10pm, always in the same position, with the lights off.

LRB978 Sun 20-Sep-09 12:42:42

cheekysealion

Bondage Dominance Sadism/submission Masochism

justfantasy

This is something I have read lots about, but have never had a partner willing to play along with (unfortunately), but I do get a lot of what you are saying.

The safe word/action - there is always a way to do this. If you are bound and gagged, no you cannot speak, but one way around is to have something with a bell in/on, held in your hand, tied to your ankle etc, which if shaken means stop. Am sure there are others as well, cannot think of any at the moment, but will come back and add if I do.

It can be extrememly intense and consuming. You need to draw lines as to when to play and when not, e.g only after the kids are in bed/ only on a weekend/ only in the bedroom/ only in the house, and ouside the times you play normally, IYSWIM. Some people eventually go down a 24/7 route, but this needs to be well thought out and spoken about before it is even considered. Also draw up rules as to what you are and are not willing to do. Yes the safe word/action is there but it is better to know the main no go areas before you even start playing. If a certain scenario or activity is a no go, make that clear.

HTH, will have a think of other safe actions for you.

RubysReturn Sun 20-Sep-09 12:46:03

How do you trust someone to respond to a safeword?

(I'm pretty vanilla, so v inexperienced, but it takes me a long time to trust anyone, so this sounds like a big leap to me)

JeremyVile Sun 20-Sep-09 12:48:02

Bondage/Discipline - Dominance/Submission - Sadism Masochism.

Of course there's a middle ground - If he's telling you there isn't he's a twat, if you're thinking there isn't then you're getting ahead of yourself.

justfantasy Sun 20-Sep-09 12:54:53

LRB978 - thanks thats really helpful...

Ive literally just dipped a toe in and it already seems so intense and consuming - shockingly so... i am also scared of how strong my reaction is to it if that makes sense. I also feel like i need to either walk away and hope i find that buzz elsewhere... or i jump right in and dont look back.

Jeremyvile - no hes not said that at all, he has said trust has to be built first adn things happen over time, we just get to know each other and naturally what we are overcomes us.... I know the limits will change... im not getting ahead of myself at all. Im just worried as to what my limits are now?

Like i said, heady stuff, and actaully until a few weeks ago, not something i was even aware of.

dittany Sun 20-Sep-09 12:56:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Malificence Sun 20-Sep-09 14:12:06

The thought of being bound and gagged, blindfolded etc. whilst having sexual stuff "done" to me does absolutely nothing for me at all ( I need two way interaction and mutual touching to be aroused) but as there is such a large "scene" that must mean that there are plenty of people, male and female, gay and straight, who do get something from it.

If you are that way inclined then I would look into "why" it is so appealing to you, if it were me I would have to know the psychological issues behind the "need" as it were.

Any sexual obsession is unhealthy when it's the ONLY way of obtaining pleasure to the exclusion of everything else.

honie Sun 20-Sep-09 16:39:46

A good safe word 'action' is to have something held in your hand, if you drop it then you are calling time on the session.

I'm not sure why people are against the bloke, have I missed something? He hasn't said no safe word, he hasn't said no limts/middle ground. The op says there is no middle ground as your boundries move as you get more used to something, and she is concerned at not being able to safe word if bound and gagged.

jil33 Sun 20-Sep-09 17:55:00

My lover,not my dh, likes to tie me up.It is actually very exciting and thrilling,obviously just until I've had enough... couldn't ask dh to do that.

argento Sun 20-Sep-09 18:51:19

I think it can all seem new and exciting at first, and you want to push the boundaries and experience new things, but you soon find what your limits are. The most important thing is doing these things with a partner you can competely trust.

I've never been bound and gagged to the point where I couldn't communicate a safeword/action if I needed too. Although the pull of BDSM might seem to be the submission or lack of control, actually you can only really let go and enjoy pushes your boundaries if you know you are in a safe, controlled environment. There are limits, and in reality the sub is controlling them despite the dom shaping the action. I rarely need to use a safeword because my partner knows what the limits are, and can tell when things are going to far for me. You really need to be in a relationship where you can trust each other and communicate very openly about what you want and don't want, much more so than in a "normal" sexual encounter.

argento Sun 20-Sep-09 18:55:21

"I'd say you're taking on his fantasies and desires if this has never occurred to you before."

dittany, I think sometimes people don't consider these things until they meet someone who introduces them to it. My partner had never been into even slightly rough sex before me met me, but I really enjoy BDSM and slowly began to explore it together. I think it's opened up a whole new side to sex for him. He very much enjoys playing his role, rather than just doing it to please me.

SolidGoldBrass Sun 20-Sep-09 21:55:21

JF: Think about yourself for a minute. Are you a person who takes stupid risks with any new enthusiasm, or do you have a reasonable sense of self-preservation? From your post of 12.11 it sounds like your bloke is fairly sensible ie it isn't him who's saying no safewords and no limits. Ok some people who discover BDSM and think it holds all the answers can get themselves messed up, but these tend to be people who were a bit messed up to start with, and basically looking for someone or something to fill up the holes in their lives and do all their thinking for them - if it wasn;t kinky sex it would be religion or some fairly whacko political cause.

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