MIL gave me copy of this article...suggestions for responses please!

[YouCantTeuchThis]

here!!

Let's just say we have had huge issues in the past, but are steadying the ship...she kept this article to show to all her DILs, and (although I found it interesting enough) I can't understand why...

So, when she looks at me expectantly what the feck do I say???

[lu81]

Hi, Think I would just say 'interesting', but if you feel brave enough ask her 'why'? Or maybe not so usefull for you 'are you telling me you are a scowling dragon with a blue rinse'. Sorry not very helpfull of me I know but I haven't got a clue of what to say to you. Maybe I should give it to my mil?

[groundhogs]

Perhaps she gave you that article cos it talks about the MIL feeling edged out... perhaps she thinks that explained the difficult relationship you had with her in the beginning.

You know what? take it as a great way of properly opening dialogue... she's seen with her own eyes from reading it that MILs can be in the wrong, why they could feel like that, but nonetheless that there IS a possibility that a harmonious relationship CAN exist between MIL and DIL...

Reply honestly, "very interesting, on many points. I know we found things hard to begin with, but I feel so much better and more positive these days." And then ask her what she thought of it.

It could just be the very chink in the armour that both of you need to form a meaningful and mutually enjoyable relationship....

Fingers crossed for you both!

[cherryblossoms]

Interesting. Hard to say without knowing you all. But my guess would be that she's given you the article precisely because she wants to say: "I'm willing to talk about this but only if you want to, and on your terms."

Because she hasn't just opened a conversation, it's more of a hint, which you can ignore or pursue.

The article is very clear about the issue of power and about men supporting their wives, too. And it flags up the vulnerability of the mil. So it does sound as though she is "telling" you the ball is in your court.

Have you had problems with your dh? If so, I wonder if she's hinting that she might be willing to think it's not all down to you, ie. that he has clay feet.

I think she sounds as though she may have difficulties articulating stuff but is willing, indeed wants, to move to an affable relationship.

Of course, how she has read that article and how I might read that article are too different things.

But my mil is always a bit uncomfortable with emotional stuff. She doesn't really do it. And I can imagine her doing something like passing me an article to read. I'd take it as a token, if it were me, and, actually, if your mil is anything like mine, I wouldn't necessarily sit down and expect a very hippy-ish, emotional chat, but perhaps some rather awkward, but well-intended, stilted sentences whilst doing the washing-up, or something.

[Anniegetyourgun]

If it were my late MIL, I'd probably have given her a big hug and said something like "I hope you never feel we don't value you, as a mother and as a person" - but then she was a honey. Not that we never disagreed, but two adults from different generations are going to see things differently and that's no reason to fall out big-time. That is, of course, as long as the "issues" are normal misunderstandings/new family dynamic ones, not anything deeper or more sinister.

[YouCantTeuchThis]

If it hadn't been for the fact that we ahve known each other for over ten years and have discussed ad nauseum the issues, I would have seen it as an opener...

I just think that now, when things are improved, it's a strange one...

[cherryblossoms]

Apology? Is it a slightly shifty way of saying that she was, in fact, doing the thing that article is on about, and tussling with you for dh?

I can imagine that might be slightly difficult to say in person.

(Am intrigued now.)

[YouCantTeuchThis]

Actually Lu, I think I will go with asking whether she is, in fact, a "scowling dragon with a blue rinse"...

I am hoping that it was from the 'hindsight' pov.

I suspect she cut it out for her own daughter, but thought that 'on balance' she should share it with DILs...that's her kind of logic

[lu81]

oh it does sound funny, love to do that to my mil she deverves it she is a scowling dragon just with out the blue rinse, but I think that would blow all chance of ever getting on unless of course you don't ever want to get on then it wouldn't matter!

[diddl]

Why would she expect her to discuss it?

if she does-
Tell her it was interesting?

If she wants more, tell you didn´t think you had to memorise it to be tested on at a later date.

[mrsboogie]

cheaper than I expected!

although the brand name sucks!

[MaggieBeauLeo]

Yeah, just say vaguely, that was interesting.

I'd say she's trying to extract a promise from you that you'll never try to exclude her.

[YouCantTeuchThis]

i stuck a post-it on it saying that I wouldn't ever let her get a blue rinse, will sue her when I get heart disease and, based on how close we live to them, I am buggered anyway...

I'm guessing humour is the way to go!

[MaggieBeauLeo]

or you could stoke up the tension by saying

"is this some kind of clumsy apology?"

ah no, better not!

[Anniegetyourgun]

Sounds good to me.

[Anniegetyourgun]

... the humour, not the stoking, obviously.

[humblemum]

doesnt anyone realise that they wouldnt have their dear, dear husbands if it hadnt been for the mother in law? Im so sick of reading about all these women who think they are so perfect. Ever heard of the saying 'Older and Wiser' !!!!!

[diddl]

Of course we realise that!

but some MILs won´t butt out & leave their sons to get on with their new lives.

If MIL upsets me, it upsets hubby and he ends up annoyed with her & an upset me to deal with!

So theone she "loves" is the one she makes "suffer the most" in effect.

[YouCantTeuchThis]

whoa humblemum!!

Apart from anything, I didn't give any details of why we have had issues! I just stated 'we'.

Go ride that high horse on one of the proper, bona fide MIL-bashing threads.

Thanks.

[mathanxiety]

Did the MIL intend to imply that she's been very unlucky to have you as a DIL? The last bit of the article focused on how similar the in-laws were and how the MIL felt the DIL was the 'right one' when they met -- is your MIL trying to say there's actually not much hope for your relationship because you don't fit in well and she never felt you were the right one for her son?

[skidoodle]

I think you really have to be looking to take offence to interpret it that way, mathanxiety

nice response op. If you've talked about these issues repeatedly then no need to revisit them.

[Minshu]

Have the other DILs seen it yet? Are you able to find out their take on it? And, as there is a criticism of the menfolk in the article, what does DH think of it?

Good luck with maintaining the improved relationship - hopefully this is an attempt at an olive branch.