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please give me you honest opinions and tell me if I am justified in being worried, or just paranoid

(75 Posts)
ParanoidOrWhat Sat 19-Sep-09 15:57:36

Background. DH and me have been married nearly 11 years. Have DC's together. Been trying for another baby for over a year (joint decision, dh been desperate for another!) Kept asking him if he was sure it was what he wanted and he said yes he can't wait to have lots of kids with me.

The past few months, things have been 'different' (i suppose is the only way to describe it) between us.

DH has been a bit stressed at work I know that (reasons i can't really go into on here but shall we say 'difficult colleague') He is starting an evening course now on mondays to work towards a segree, which he has wanted to do for years, and now finally got the chance and I am so happy for him, he can better himself/move jobs etc.

There are certain things that he has done etc lately that are really starting to get me, and I'm not sure if I am just being paranoid, or whether there is really something wrong.

1. I recently fell pregnant. DH's response was 'you're not are you' follwed by 'well if that's what you want' Then he disappeared upstairs to use his phone. shock

2. He gets through the credit on his phone but I am lucky if I get 1 text a week off him now. Always used to get several texts a day from him saying he loves me/misses me etc. Now....nothing. He says he can't get a very good signal at work now, yet he is using his credit SOMEHOW!

3. He won't tell me he loves me anymore. Even when I tell him first. He said it the other day in a hurried response to me trying to get a reaction out of him, almost had to force him to say it as such, but he wouln't even look at me when he said it.

4. He won't even just come and give me a cuddle or anything anymore, or tell me I look nice etc.

5. The only time he wants sex is in the middle of the night when he has woken up from 'one of his dreams'. But even then, he won't look at me while we are doing anything. If I try to instigate sex, I get rejected, or he gives in then couldn't look more bored and like he wants to be somewhere else if he tried.

6. He has started occasionally going into work for the odd hour on his day off (when he actually gets a day off!)

7. He has 'lost' his wedding ring, but doesn't seem particularly bothered by this, whereas he has always gone mad on previous occasions he couldn't find it (takes it off to exersize)

8. He seems to try to do anything but spend time with me. When I make the effort to spend time with him, he ends up doing something else, tinkering with car/bike/shed etc. When we do spend time together he just sits staring at the telly or we sit in silence, I try to have a conversation with him but he just seems bored.

9. He has put a pin lock on his phone so nobody can see whats on it.

10. He asked the other week how to put something in his calendar on his phone, so I showed him, and he had an event already in there about one of the girls at work passing her driving test. Not sure why he would need to know that sad

I have spoken to him about everything and he has no explaination except that I am being paranoid.
So maybe I am being paranoid, maybe its my pregnancy hormones going mad, but I just don't know what to think. Someone give me their opinion before I crack sad

SheWillBeLoved Sat 19-Sep-09 16:05:45

5, 7, and 9 seem a bit dodgy. Everything else just stinks of somebody who isn't happy with their life/relationship right now.

for you. All of it is the last thing you need when you're pregnant. I think if he had nothing to hide from you, be it his feelings or something more sinister - then he should be making more of an effort to comfort you and ease your suspicions/fears, rather than just fobbing you off with "You're being paranoid!". You're obviously not. Unless you're a paranoid person by nature - he is doing these things which are making you question him and he needs to take it as seriously as you are.

PlumBumMum Sat 19-Sep-09 16:07:21

Read your op again and think what response you would give someone else who posted that

Sorry but it doesn't sound like your being paranoidsad

ParanoidOrWhat Sat 19-Sep-09 16:10:53

I'm not a paranoid person. I have always trusted him. I have always supported him, and never stopped him doing whatever he wants. He's not a drinker and doesn't go out with mates (once in a blue moon maybe)

Maybe he resents me for tying him down. Maybe he is bored of me

Hassled Sat 19-Sep-09 16:12:47

In your position and with these facts, I would be feeling pretty damn twitchy. And I don't have pregnancy hormones. That doesn't mean there's actually anything to worry about, just that it is completely understandable why you're feeling suspicious.

All I can suggest, other than one of those dodgy tracking devices, is that you cut and paste your list into Word or something, print it off, show it to him and see what he says. It's such an objective, clearly worded list that he'll have to take your point and hopefully you'll know from his reaction what's going on.

BitOfFun Sat 19-Sep-09 16:15:01

I don't like the sound of it tbh, and a pin-lock?

< nee-nar nee-nar nee-nar >
< flashing lights >

ParanoidOrWhat Sat 19-Sep-09 16:17:05

No point showing him this thread, I have already confronted him about every point I have made on here

GypsyMoth Sat 19-Sep-09 16:18:04

very worrying. i would be cautious. sounds like he's suddenly gone off the baby idea too,though thats too late now. i would have this out with him,really couldn't go through planning for a new baby with this hanging over me!.

does he go out at night?

Scorps Sat 19-Sep-09 16:20:38

I don't like any of these points. My DH behaved a few of these ways, and i have recently found he was cheating (I am pg too). DH had pins on his phones.

Hassled Sat 19-Sep-09 16:21:42

But have you confronted him about all of them together? You could dismiss a couple of them in isolation, but put together it's different.

Is there a mutual friend/BIL/SIL you could talk to? I know it would put them in a terrible position, but still better than not knowing.

ParanoidOrWhat Sat 19-Sep-09 16:22:22

I am being cautious. Another reason why I wanted someone elses opinion before I try and sort it all out 'once and for all' as such. I can't go through this pregnancy with things as they are. He won't even acknowledge that there is even a baby in there sad I had a bit of bleeding the other week (turned out to be nothing) but he wasn't worried or anything. Just said what will be will be. Then pestered me for sex in the night and tutted when I said no as I was bleeding. He has never been selfish..

no he doesn't go out at night but he doesn't get home from work til late some nights, and doesn't finish at a regular time consistantly anyway due to the nature of his work. But at the same time, I have no way of verifying his hours of work.

AnAuntieNotAMum Sat 19-Sep-09 16:23:51

You are not being paranoid. Something is going on. Best case scenario, incredible stress at work; worst case scenarios, gambling, affair etc..?

ParanoidOrWhat Sat 19-Sep-09 16:24:36

Scorps I am sorry to hear that. Hope you are ok.

Hassled yes I told him about everything in one go and said that he would be stupid not to think that all of them together actually looked bad! I was paranoid apparently. I have nobody else to talk to. I'm not cloe enough to any of his family to talk to them. I tried to talk to his aunty the other week but she adores him and couldn't see fault.

Hassled Sat 19-Sep-09 16:27:04

Well he's wrong, you're not paranoid. It looks dodgy as hell, and I'm very very sorry if your suspicions are right. You do need some sort of proof though - watch the pin number entry closely.

ParanoidOrWhat Sat 19-Sep-09 16:31:17

i have never seen him put the pin number in. just saw it once when he was trying to read a message that came through and it came up with 'enter pin' and he went in the other room to do it and read the message.

Scorps Sat 19-Sep-09 16:31:26

I do agree though, with some posters, he may not be having an affair. Stress at work or depression can affect someone very much.

I'm doing ok now thanks, I have known for 7 weeks now and trying hard to recover. He did over a mc and my current pg beginning, up until iwas 19 weeks (now 26 weeks).

I think he is being very horrid ignoring your feelings.

skidoodle Sat 19-Sep-09 16:33:04

Regardless if whether he's being unfaithful, you have plenty to worry about.

It sounds like your marriage is falling apart at the seams while you are pregnant.

Can you rewrite your list so it points less to possible infidelity but focuses on concrete things that are happening or have happened, and that you are nit happy about?

Give it to him, tell to read it, and that on the basis of his refusal so far to discuss the problems you are having you are booking you in for marriage counselling.

He can only pull this paranoia shit as long as the main accusation is unfaithfulness. If it becomes his unreasonable, selfis and hurtful behaviour (which is there in spades) he can't get out of it by pretending you are inventing it all.

ProfYaffle Sat 19-Sep-09 16:33:36

"The past few months, things have been 'different' " That clinched it for me I'm afraid. You're not being paranoid. sad

ParanoidOrWhat Sat 19-Sep-09 16:34:22

I haven't accused him of being unfaithful. I have just said that it all looks bad and that I don't think he loves me anymore.

LuluMamaaaaarrrrr Sat 19-Sep-09 16:35:49

i don't thikn you are being paranoid, maybe if it was one or two of the more minor things , but with everything you describe, he is either a man deeply pissed off/unhappy and no longer wanting to be married, and '/ or having an affair

it's cards on the table time

can't believe he would pester you for sex despite you bleeding. to me that would hurt the most as would show not just a lack of regard for me, but for the baby

presumably he was happy ot have unprotected sex with you so it 's a bit late to not want a baby on his part

ParanoidOrWhat Sat 19-Sep-09 16:37:54

exactly what i thought lulumamaaaarrrr. He has gone very selfish.

he used to help a lot around the house, but i just feel like i am running the place single handedly lately, even doing things I shouldn't be doing, lifting stuff etc, while he sits and watches, with no offer of help or anything.

LuluMamaaaaarrrrr Sat 19-Sep-09 16:39:41

right, you need to sit down with him and talk

decide what you want

is it you want the old DH back? do you want relate/ individual counselling? do you want him to feck off?

if he has had ana affair, can you see your marriage coming back from it?

skidoodle Sat 19-Sep-09 16:40:52

Sure, but it's not about "looking bad", which he can put down to perception, it's about actually being bad.

Just a slight change in emphasis moves it from "I don't think you love me any more. Do you?" to "these are things you've done recently that are unacceptable to me. We must fix this problem before the new baby arrives."

don't give him an out.

ParanoidOrWhat Sat 19-Sep-09 16:42:32

i love him more than life itself. I know people change, but he has turned into a totally different person in such a short space of time. If thats who he 'really' is then sobeit, but I need him to tell me that! If he has had an affair, it will be over and he knows that. I have said that from day one. Ever since he kissed me friend at a party before we got married, he knew he would never be forgiven again. Maybe thats why he won't admit anything. He stands to lose a lot and he knows that.

colditz Sat 19-Sep-09 16:42:46

Stress at work doens't cause someone to pinlock their phone.

He is either having an affair or he
's about to

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