Had a major snit with DH this morning - any advice, please?

[Fruitbeard]

We have one of those joint 'One' account things that's also our mortgage.

DH has online access to it (he did all the setting up of it, I could have access if I wanted but frankly the monthly statements are enough for me).

Just lately he has taken to checking it on a daily basis and questioning me about every item of expenditure he doesn't recognise. I freely admit I can be a bit of a spendthrift and we are trying to pull our horns in atm, but he's the one who goes for the massive expensive one-off items, iyswim.

Anyway, I am getting very, very sick of this grilling. He doesn't do it in a particularly aggressive way, so I have no 'logical' reason to feel persecuted, in his words, he just 'likes to know what's going in and out of the account' which is fair enough I suppose, but I feel like I'm being constantly checked up on.

I've actually taken to telling him in advance when I spend anything because I don't want the inquisition, but he then forgets what I've said and asks me anyway, which again pisses me off no end. It makes me feel guilty even though I have no reason to feel guilty (FFS, if DD needs new school shoes I'm going to buy them, aren't I?)

This morning I got a "what's this £XX for?" - I said that's the Eddie Izzard tickets I emailed you about to make sure you could make the date (Crimbo prezzie for us both).

He said 'no it's not, that's the £xxx.xx that went out last week'

I got cross then for a number of reasons:

1. I only emailed him on Monday regarding the EI tickets, so how the feck could I have bought them the week before?
   
2. I had told him twice already that the other amount the week before was something I'd bought on behalf of a friend with no PC and she was giving me a cheque this week on her payday.
   
   I told him this (in less than friendly tones, I'll admit), he got frosty and said 'ok, ok, you've made your point, no need to go on and on about it' - he always does this to me, but the reason I 'go on and on' is that I feel it's just not getting into his head - this was the third time I'd had to explain about the tickets and I was being made to feel like I was the bad one??
   
   Anyway, we parted on bad terms and I'm just so pissed off, hurt and upset with the whole situation. I feel like I'm living with the bleedin' Stasi looking over my shoulder, like I have to justify every penny I spend.
   
   For the record, he works full time, I work 3 days a week, both professional, managerial roles. We are not poor by any stretch of the imagination, but we have had to spend a lot of money on car repairs lately and I think he's panicking over what that's done to his schedule for mortgage repayment (he has this 'thing' about paying off the mortgage by his 50th which I have gone along with up til now but I'm not prepared to live like a churchmouse just so he can meet this self-imposed goal!).
   
   So, what now? Am I overreacting, like he thinks I am? Is he being the reasonable one?
   
   If so, how can I get out of this mindset that he's always checking up on me (moneywise - he's not the slightest bit controlling in any other way) and stop this bickering?
   
   Sorry, that was a bit long - thanks if you've made it this far!

[wingandprayer]

I would say you need to set aside a set time every week to go through the expenses incurred, when the kids are in bed and with a glass of wine so the whole thing will be a lot calmer. Going through it daily is not helpful and obviously stressful for you both. Maybe the situation is a lot more serious than he's letting onto you though hence his reaction to any spending?

[wheniwishuponastar]

i think its unfair of him to impose his 50th year target on you, when unforeseen things like the car crop up. its a partnership so he can't just decide things and force you to do them.

[GypsyMoth]

i would check it myself. maybe he has bought another big expensive item,and is now worried he wont be able to justify it!

[BrokenFlipFlop]

Is there any way that you can also have your own account? I appreciate its all 'family money' and seperate accounts don't work out for some couples but to prevent the questioning, it might be better??.

Otherwise, I would simply take a fair amount of cash out at the begining of each week and use that as and when. It won't resolve whatever factors are causing his behaviour but will mean he can't grill you in quite the same manner.

He's being unfair.

[lal123]

When I first discovered the joys of on line banking I got a wee bit obsessive re looking at balance every day - and if I saw a transaction I didn't recognise jumping to the conclusion that we'd been the victims of some elaborate internet fraud - I'd ask DP if he recognised the transaction and would fine out he's been to a different petrol station . Because DP never checks our online statement I have taken on the policeman role re it - and am the one who always (roughly) knows our balance - DP wouldn't have a clue whether it should be £100 or £10,000.

I've stopped doing it with our bank account, but still check all our credit card stuff with DP - not because I'm checking on his spending (he can spend what he wants - doesn't need my permission), but because I make sure they are genuine transactions.

[NormaStanleyFletcher]

It sounds like he is stressing about the money and (unfairly) taking it out on you. You probably need to speak to him about that, and whether you need to move the goal of when the mortgage is going to be paid off.

If he is forgetting things you have already told him, then can you do a simple list in a spreadsheet so that he can refer to that, rather than asking you about it constantly?

[diddl]

Hand over all your receipts!

[Tortington]

weekly sit down meeting is what it needs to talk through the expenditure.

i think he should also write on the statement itself - if he files it and goes back to it - it will help him remember

if he mentions anything in the middle of the week - tell him to shut his gob til saturday meeting

[nellie12]

tell him to arrange payment for joint things - then he can grill himself .

Seriously my line would be that while its necessary to keep track of expenses you contribute equally to the pot and that he needs to trust you. If he cant do that then separate accounts would be next.

[charis]

get a cashback credit card. It works wonderfully with the oneaccount. You get an extra 56 days interest free 1% cash back on all your spends and your dh won't be able to see what you are up to.