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what to do re this friend

(6 Posts)
hairband Fri 18-Sep-09 09:02:25

I have a friend, let's call her A. Known for a decade,I would call her a casual friend, someone I see once a year. We've shared a lot of emotional stuff though, so in some ways are close.

Friend B, I know from elsewhere and is someone who I see rarely, but speak a lot with on the phone. Me and her have both been through tough times, but cope by seeing the funny side of things and being positive.

Friend A and B got to know eachother thro something else. They are good friends and we all meet independently of eachother, and sometimes toegether.

I have been through a difficult patch (preg related) in the last few years and recently, had to cut right back in what I was doing in order to get through, conserving energy, surrounding myself with positive vibes.
I continued to speak regularly with friend B, and with friend A, sent emails as a way of keeping up but these went ignored. (I often use email to stay in touch)
The last email that I sent her, she sent an annoyed reply to, saying that she knew I had been speaking to friend B, she was upset I had only been emailing, and wanted to know why.
Realising that these things are best sorted out on the phone or face to face I called her, tried to explain what was going on in my life, and when she realised that something was up with me, got straight off the phone as quick as poss.

She sent congrats when told about new arrival. I haven't heard from her since and don't know what to do.
I'm ok with this gap but don't want to be accused of being a crap friend esp as friend B is mutual and value her friendship. Friend A is nice but always down about something and sometimes esp after several years that is wearing. But I feel a bond with her - of time - and it would be a shame to lose her, tho life would be less draining.

Up to ears in nappies and no sleep as new baby and no energy.

Please be gentle with replies if I have been out of line. Don't know wht to do, lost sleep about this.. scared to ring as can't handle agro at mo.

mmrsceptic Fri 18-Sep-09 09:12:01

Well, I don't think you've been out of line. How, why would that suggestion have even arisen?

I don't like to seem to simplify but it seems like she is, basically, much more needy than you. Her response to your phone call seems immature. I can imagine there's some annoyance at only being emailed (well I can sort of imagine it) but then as soon as you picked up the phone to explain, the natural response is, oh thank goodness, so glad you phoned, I was really worried we'd fallen out etc etc etc.

So, if she's like that, and feeling all hard done by and chip on the shoulder, she's quite likely to twist a few things around to justify her view of things.

So, I would not email, if I were you. Unless you say something uber neutral like hi up to my ears in nappies how are you.

If you want to make contact I would send a short friendly how are you type text with "call me if you want am at home buried in nappies" at the end of it.

That way you've been nice, you've invited further contact and you've made clear your focus is at home right now and not on troubles going on outside it.

SqueezyCheese Fri 18-Sep-09 09:28:29

Agree with mrssceptic. Your friend could have shown a bit of sympathy towards your difficult patch. Maybe if she doesn't have children, she doesn't realise the impact on your life now?

wheniwishuponastar Fri 18-Sep-09 09:35:09

interesting. i wonder if it would do any good if she knew that you find her a bit draining and negative which is hard to deal with when you are stressed.

hairband Fri 18-Sep-09 11:19:28

Yes, think you have it right there.. in essence perhaps she regarded me as more of a friend in her inner circle than the other way round? Cos I was a sympathetic ear and when that was not available she missed it and lashed out a little? (I was told I was not a supportive friend)
Am scared to text in case this is also deemed "not enough".
Prob best to wait until I am less sleepdeprived and demented, she does have kids and anyone who has will surely understand how difficult the first few weeks are and that you can't be in contact with people even though you'd like to cos there is no time!

hairband Sat 10-Oct-09 11:59:49

I ended up messaging and asked if she was ok, and if not to let me know what support she needed and I would be there. (This was after having given things a lot of thought and deciding to treat her as I would like to be treated)
It turns out she has had a rough summer.

I've sent a gift not heard back from that yet (tho she may not have got it yet), but feeling so tired post-baby that have not got any spare energy.
Could I still be accused of being unsupportive? There is just nothing left over at the moment, no time/energy at all. And I am losing precious sleep over this! I guess I just don't want any awkwardness if we ever see eachother at our mutual friend's. She is having a hard time right now and morally think I should be there for her. But can't totally forget how she reacted a few months back when I was going through a difficult patch.

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