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I am here with my mother and so angry i could hit something

(36 Posts)
worried27 Fri 18-Sep-09 00:57:54

She gets me so fucking mad that talking to her just doesn't get through.
she's been out for a drink and since coming back has had another 3 cans. she's started on the regular diatribe of slagging off my dad, but now she's turned on me. she's accused me of 'screwing half of london' (I've dated 2 guys this year, full stop), is talking over me, and is generally being a fucking cow. sorry to swear but she drives me up the bend. I've never had the friendly mum daughter relationship because she's always so contrary, everything i do is wrong, everything i want to do is a bad idea. i just got made redundant and now she's slagging me off saying i can't hold down a job.
tomorrow, sober, she'll act like nothing's happened. if she hates my dad so much why doesn't she move out! cos staying here she doesn't have to pay a penny of course, he pays for everything. god there are so many issues here i just want to scream at her!! but then i know she'll have won. sorry for rubbish punctuation but i'm hammering this out on my phone. she is never happy, always obstinate, she's a fucking pain! if i ever have a baby girl i swear things with be SO different.

PandaEis Fri 18-Sep-09 01:00:59

hi worried27smile
so sorry you have to put up with this!! i have no nuggets of wisdom but i wanted you to know someone is here if you need to vent some moresmile

worried27 Fri 18-Sep-09 01:02:59

when i was 8 on mothers day she got really drunk and hit my dad with the phone, she then accused me of being his 'prostitute', both of which she denies now.
She claims he taps the phone, that he has a camera in the bathroom (wtf) and all sorts of other crazy stuff. god it's so weird actually getting this out i have never told anyone this before, they'd think i was mad! (i am sober by the way in case you're wondering).
I know she loves me but she's such hard work

worried27 Fri 18-Sep-09 01:05:34

Thanks panda, i am just getting this all out now, i have dealt with it all by myself for so long.
When i was about 14 she randomly put a lock on the inside of my bedroom door, and said i should lock it before i go to sleep, as if to insinuate my dad would be up to something?!?!
I'm sure there's plenty more. she can be vile sometimes.

zazen Fri 18-Sep-09 01:06:40

worried27, sounds like your mum is and has the problems, not you! Certainly a boundary issue, and maybe a problem with alcohol.

My mum is very jealous too, and very competitive - she never misses a beat to put me down, or tell me how to live my life.

It's sad, as I do very well, and she seems to waste such a lot of her energy on just giving out - as she hasn't achieved much at all!!

I'm off to bed now, but thought I'd post to say good luck with your job hunt - I hope you find a lovely job for yourself! Concentrate on yourself smile because you're worth it!

PandaEis Fri 18-Sep-09 01:06:45

sounds as if she has mental health issues to me!! is she alcoholic??

worried27 Fri 18-Sep-09 01:17:47

Alcohol, there is definitely some sort of issue there, eg after a night out most people come home and that's it, but she treats it as an excuse to carry on. i don't live with them but i get the impression she has a drink or two every night. i just went in the kitchen and was shock at there being 2x massive boxes of carling, plus she keeps wine and vodka in her bedroom (they don't share a room)
Also she will try to justify her drinking, like explain to me why it's ok that she's having one.
Also last month she came to mine for dinner, i had a glass of wine, went to bed, she polished off the bottle! so yes i suppose it sounds like there is a problem there?
(don't get me wrong i do like a drink myself but out with the girls or whatever, not alone in my bedroom!)

worried27 Fri 18-Sep-09 01:21:24

Panda, what you say about thinking she has mental health issues, ppl in my family have said that too. she told me this story the other week, she was in bed watching tv at 3am and the picture went fuzzy, she got out of bed started having a go at my dad (who'd been sleeping in his room!) saying he must have been in her room and tampered with her tv when she had been out shopping that day.....

worried27 Fri 18-Sep-09 01:21:31

Panda, what you say about thinking she has mental health issues, ppl in my family have said that too. she told me this story the other week, she was in bed watching tv at 3am and the picture went fuzzy, she got out of bed started having a go at my dad (who'd been sleeping in his room!) saying he must have been in her room and tampered with her tv when she had been out shopping that day.....

thumbwitch Fri 18-Sep-09 01:23:04

umm, is she fairly pleasant when she doesn't have alcohol on board? Or does she never NOT have alcohol on board, so you wouldn't know? Some people have real problems with personality changes when under the influence, but if your ma is like this all the time then that's very sad for you.

She does sound like an alcoholic,in which case there is really nothing you can do for her until she acknowledges it - but you could join a local group of AlAnon, the support group for families of alcoholics. You might find some help there.

worried27 Fri 18-Sep-09 01:32:16

Thumbwitch, she will only have a drink before bed. morning, daytime, teatime, absolutely fine. i know she cares about me loads, she can be lovely, we'll go shopping, she said earlier did i fancy a week away in the sun, you know she is just 'normal'. she will still slag off my dad at every opportunity and be a stubborn cow, but other than that...!
She just asked who an actress was on tv, i said mum you just accused me of screwing half of london, til you apologise i'm not going to talk to you! she said nothing just got up and went to bed. sigh.

worried27 Fri 18-Sep-09 01:35:29

Basically she is having a dig at me cos I've been unlucky in love and unlucky in a job. but shouldn't be there to SUPPORT not have a go. i feel rubbish enough already thanks! and i have had to put up with YEARS of paranoia (don't talk to your friends on the phone, your dad's listening in), this is stuff she believes in and says when sober too. talk about fcuked up. sorry this is just turning into a huge rant!

thumbwitch Fri 18-Sep-09 01:37:56

I have a friend who was a borderline alcoholic and she used to get very verbally abusive under the influence; more so the more she drank. It was very wearing, and she was only a friend - much worse for you when it's your mum. But you are hoping for too much from her, I think - alcohol seems to switch them from being normal, sane people who actually care what others think to completely insensitive bastards who "can say what they like and why do you care anyway?" because they have no concept that they are being hurtful.

She may also have alcoholic amnesia, i.e. not even remember what you're talking about. But if it's really getting to you, you need to challenge her about it and see whether she remembers it - and say that you really can't accept her talking to you like that so if she is going to drink, she needn't come anywhere near you until she is sober again.

Barrelofloves Fri 18-Sep-09 02:03:30

I suggest you take a notebook and record everything she says or tape her so that you can play it back when she is sober.

Your poor father, what is his opinion on all this?

It is especially difficult for you because your mother is an alcoholic in denial with mental health issues (paranoia)and because you are not a trained mental health worker it must be very hard to deal with.

You definitely need to seek help and advice for living with someone with a mental health disorder, and don't worry, you will make an excellent mum as you know how wrong it is to subject others to such awful treatment. But it really sounds as if your mum can't help behaving like that. Try to change your response to her and see if that makes a differene.

worried27 Fri 18-Sep-09 07:02:34

My dad, well poor thing he is just resigned to it/used to her by now. I've never understood why they haven't divorced, they lead separate lives, separate bedrooms. but the funny thing is he'd do anything for her if she asked. but i think he is just resigned to how she is now, he said yesterday he was going to a funeral next week 'but don't tell your mum, i don't want her coming cos i won't be able to relax if she's there' -meaning he'd be on edge about what she'd say to people after a few beers.
So you really think she has mental health issues, it's hard accepting that as to me this is my normal. but who says those kinds of things to a kid, i don't know.
I have lived away for 5 years but moving home next month. i lost my job so i'm having a year out to finish my masters. but it means living at home and i'm worried how it's going to be.
I don't know how to react to her. i guess i challenge her when she's nasty to me, pretend i don't understand what she means 'sorry what do you mean i screw half of london? can you explain', i play dumb. When it comes to slagging off my dad i am different i say look I've heard the same story since i was a kid, how many more times i DO NOT WANT TO HEAR THIS AGAIN, if you hate it/him so much, move out, oh no wait a minute you never will will you?'. To which i get accused of all sorts, being on his side etc etc.
If me and dad are having a conversation downstairs she will come down just to hear it. The other day i went into her bedroom to put something back (a magazine or something silly!), she was on the loo and literally came running off it when she heard me to see what i was doing. It is like some kind of paranoia. Sorry another rant but can't sleep

worried27 Fri 18-Sep-09 07:04:32

Oh and i challenge what she accuses dad of too. so the other day (for the Nth time!) i said, so where's this camera in the bathroom then? why don't you rip it out if there is one? why don't you go to the police? etc.... she never has an answer

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 18-Sep-09 07:47:02

Your Mum certainly has problems with alcohol and mental health issues. The alcohol has likely exacerbated her underlying problems (I am wondering what sort of childhood she had. Its not an excuse for how she is behaving now but the roots of such problems usually start in childhood). This woman is patently unable to look after her own self properly and as such she cannot do support. These are her issues though; not yours to take responsibility of and or for.

Your parents have both let you down.
Your Dad has acted like some men do in these dysfunctional family situations; he has acted as a bystander. I don't let him off the hook either because he has acted in this way for his own self preservation and want of a quiet life. He has enabled her but enabling does no-one any favours at all.

Would strongly suggest you do not move back in with your parents; the two of them combined will do your head in. You do not need to be around them, you will further get sucked into their dysfunction and misery if you do.

"Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward is perhaps a good starting point for you as is talking to a neutral third party about your relationship with your parents. BACP have a list of counsellors.

SueMunch Fri 18-Sep-09 11:14:01

First of all, well done for tolerating this for so long.

None of this is your fault, so please don't ever be hard on yourself.

From bitter experience I know how closely poor mental health and alcohol are related. I have a friend who had suffered for years with depression and anxiety but also drank very heavily.

The problem is it is very difficult to unpick where the problem originates - ie is your Mom experiencing poor mental health because she drinks, or is she using drink to mask a mental issue.

I feel that you should speak to your father and arrange to visit your GP in the first instance - your Mom doesn't have to go at this stage. Talk it through with the GP and examine the options.

My friend eventually saw a mental health specialist that deals with 'dual diagnosis', that is someone trained to deal with patients with mental health and substance abuse issues.

The problem you may face is that your Mom will refuse to go to the GP but I think your Dad should issue an ultimatum. For once he needs to be strong on this.

I hope this helps. I'm not an expert of course, so please visit the GP for more accurate advice.

worried27 Fri 18-Sep-09 12:29:46

Thanks for your replies. dad has definitely just been a bystander, for a quiet life. thing is he has done it for 30 years and i can't see him changing now. they are retired, too set in their ways.
Mum's upbringing i don't know much about apart from her parents were publicans so that's where she grew up!
I have started to realise i do need to talk this through with someone as i think it's affecting me more than i know. Can i get referred to a counsellor through my gp? i'm not working now so can't afford to pay for one.
That's also the reason i have to move home, as i have no income while i'm studying. But i plan to keep myself busy!
Does anyone else have any examples of someone believing all this stuff (wire taps etc), i'm hesitant to label and like i say i'm so used to hearing it now is it really paranoia?

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 18-Sep-09 12:35:24

My BIL has come out with all sorts of fanciful stuff relating to his life; its all in his mind and fully relates to his mental state.

You can receive counselling via your GP but you may well be in for a long wait. As mentioned try BACP as well.

wheniwishuponastar Fri 18-Sep-09 12:38:40

she sounds very paranoid to me.

AxisofEvil Fri 18-Sep-09 12:45:38

I'd agree that you really want to avoid moving back in - I suspect you'll majorly regret it. Maybe consider if you can get a part time job to pay rent elsewhere?

worried27 Fri 18-Sep-09 13:17:20

I have looked at the bacp website but the ones near me want 35 per session, eek. maybe i could just have one and see what they recommend?
Axis, i will be getting a pt job but that will just cover living and travel costs, sadly not enough to rent a room.
She has just woken up and has come down, put the tv on and said nothing to me. like I am the one who's done something wrong!

worried27 Fri 18-Sep-09 13:17:26

I have looked at the bacp website but the ones near me want 35 per session, eek. maybe i could just have one and see what they recommend?
Axis, i will be getting a pt job but that will just cover living and travel costs, sadly not enough to rent a room.
She has just woken up and has come down, put the tv on and said nothing to me. like I am the one who's done something wrong!

Barrelofloves Fri 18-Sep-09 13:20:43

First of all, do NOT return home under any circumstances, it will end in tears. I was in your position once and got myself a room in a house where I looked after their animals in return, rent free, those sort of options are available if you look hard enough.

Secondly, your dad has developed his own 'coping strategy' which is why they have been able to co exist. He probably would worry sick if any thing happened to your mum, despite how unreasonable her behaviour. My dad stands my my mum in the the same way (but not so extreme).

Thirdly, your mum cannot help herself so please do not take the unreasonable, irrational rants and personal insults to heart. Please view her with pity and do not rise to the bait when she goads you.

Unfounded accusations that are so absurd made by a mentally unstable person are not something you should get worked up about at all and so please do not get angry or give her any fuel to continue the gibberish.

React as you would do with a patient who has very bad health, can you give pity and compassion and be sorry for her instead?

Check your reactions next time, you can't alter her but you can alter your own reaction to her.

Please don't give your dad a hard time, he probably gets it in the neck on a daily basis.

Look after them both but don't get involved in her slanging matches, say 'oh dear' instead and perhaps write a list of all her gripes if she is unstoppable, then you can analyse at a later date with her (when sober).

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