Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I was the OW. I now think that I should tell his wife what went on...

(165 Posts)
Antipova Thu 17-Sep-09 21:21:50

I know I don't come out of this looking good, but would really appreciate some advice please...

Several years ago I had an affair with a MM which lasted for two years. During that time his wife gave birth to their little boy. No excuses, I knew he was married before the affair began. For what it's worth, I regret it deeply. I'm appalled with myself even typing the details here.

I ended it as I couldn't cope with the situation. I think he was just pleased he got off with it scot free (while of course still claiming that i was the love of his life - i think not)

I was luckier than I deserved and eventually met and married a great (single) bloke and he knows all about the past. I really thought i'd put it all behind me years ago except that recently one of my friend's husbands had an affair. She found out and kicked him out. She says that while it's really hard for her and her little girl, she's ultimately glad she knew the truth.

As you can imagine it's been the main topic of conversation amongst our friends and in my head I can't stop relating it back to my own OW situation. I have beome obsessed by the idea that MM's wife should know that he was unfaithful. I realise i'm making an assumption that she doesn't know already, but everything i know about the situation makes me sure she doesn't - he is a manipulative and very clever liar. The affair was a lot 'worse' than occassional shagging in hotels or whatever people tend to think of when they think of infidelity. I also know I wasn't the first OW, no particular reason to believe I was the last.

99% of me thinks that this is an insane idea and that even if she did want to know the last person she'd want to hear it from is me, especially after all this time, not to mention all the havoc i'm potentially dragging into mine and DH's life. But then a part of me thinks that if it were me, I'd want to know, regardless, like my friend. But then i don't have kids to consider, which must put such a different slant on everything. Is this insane?

JeMenFous Thu 17-Sep-09 21:25:04

You're taking the piss aren't you?hmm

Leave them alone, concentrate on your own life, it is none of your businessangry

StayFrostyMT Thu 17-Sep-09 21:25:53

Oh get a grip. It is insane. Snap out of it. This is about you not her. Go talk to a counsellor and don't fuck up this poor womans life anymore than it already will be married to such a dick.

Niftyblue Thu 17-Sep-09 21:27:20

There is nothing to gain from telling her
It won`t make you feel better

If he is a "regular" playing away guy she will find out

I think if it was a friends husband then maybe yes you should tell her
But your not

He is a complete bastard he was the one married

But this will open up alot of hurt to her and her DS

You have moved on (you had a lucky escape)
THERE is no need to go back there

AnyFucker Thu 17-Sep-09 21:28:04

oh get over yourself

if you did this, it would be to salve your own guilty conscience

you have been utterly selfish once, don't rub more salt into the wound

if it makes you feel bad about be it

SolidGoldBrass Thu 17-Sep-09 21:30:54

If you were to do anything as stupid and selfish as contact this woman, you run the risk of being sued for defamation/harassment. Even though her husband did shag you.
And it would serve you right. Get over yourself.

Littlefish Thu 17-Sep-09 21:31:18

You're being selfish. You would be doing it to clear your own conscience.

Leave them alone.

2rebecca Thu 17-Sep-09 21:31:57


BigTeuchLittleTeuch Thu 17-Sep-09 21:32:00

Always curious when people say "I finished it" but then don't ever really let go (for example, fantasising about spilling to wife)...I wonder if you/they wish that the man had run screaming from his marriage to save their relationship with OW hmm

If you finished it, then leave it finished and stay the hell away from them.

We all make mistakes, but you should just concentrate on your own life and your own husband now.

StayFrostyMT Thu 17-Sep-09 21:32:01

must be jangling our chain?

MmeLindt Thu 17-Sep-09 21:32:02

I would advise you to forget you ever thought about this.

There is no reason to tell her, except to make trouble for him and make you feel better.

She has enough of a burden being married to the bastard. Don't make it worse.

You are likely to get a flaming on here, I would ask for this thread to be deleted if I were you.

hatesponge Thu 17-Sep-09 21:33:47

She probably does know already. If not about you, then about the one who came after you, or the one after that.

I wouldn't contact her now. You will look nuts frankly, and he will deny it outright. She will either know what he's up to already, in which case you won't be telling her anything new, or she won't know because she is still in thrall to him, in which case she won't believe you.

The wife of the MM I was seeing asked me what was going on between me and him. I lied and told her what he's told me to say blush. Not my finest hour. I probably should have told her the truth, although I'm not sure she would have believed me if I had, or wanted to.

You have walked away from it all, and now have a good and happy life. I would leave it at that, and not give this excuse for a man and his wife another thought. Some things are best left alone.

Rindercella Thu 17-Sep-09 21:34:06

Err, what everyone else has said above.

Please do not, under any circumstances, contact this woman. You do not know what damage you may end up causing.

theyoungvisiter Thu 17-Sep-09 21:34:51

No No No!!

This sounds suspiciously like an act of revenge (even if that's not the way you see it) or an attempt to mitigate your feelings of guilt.

Either way this is a temptation which might make YOU feel better, but I doubt it will help anyone else, especially at this late stage. I don't think it can result in anything but heartbreak for all concerned.

squeaver Thu 17-Sep-09 21:35:35

I agree with all of you. Absolutely do not do it. What possible good can come of it.

But, I'm a wee bit surprised by the responses as I've seen so many threads on here from women saying "I wish someone had told me" when their dh was having an affair.

Niftyblue Thu 17-Sep-09 21:35:44

Antipova Think you have your answer

dittany Thu 17-Sep-09 21:36:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

theyoungvisiter Thu 17-Sep-09 21:36:43

oops, cross posted with a dozen other sensible souls giving.

PS Did I mention that this is a terrible idea?

nkf Thu 17-Sep-09 21:37:56

Haven't you done enough damage?

abedelia Thu 17-Sep-09 21:37:57

If I was the wife, I'd want to know the truth rather than spending the rest of my life with a shit, especially a calculating, manipulative and clever one.

Given everyone else's response I now feel like a right weirdo, though!

PS If it was several years ago I'd want hard proof, not just a phonecall in the night.

Northernlurker Thu 17-Sep-09 21:39:05

It is the ultimate imposition to put yourself between a man and wife. You've done that once - with his willing connivance. Why on earth would you think it helpful to do that again?

Keep quiet. If you have a problem with the past - and I don't think you should, but if you do then sort that out with yourself but don't kid yourself you would be helping this woman.

preciouslillywhite Thu 17-Sep-09 21:40:03


hope spilling it on here was enough. Now you can bury it. Good luck!

memorylapse Thu 17-Sep-09 21:41:49

its not your place to tell her

her husband is a bastard and ultimately the poor woman will probably find out..but not from you..move on..what are you hoping to achieve apart from open a pandoras box and jeopordise your current relationship as wellhmm

HerBeatitude Thu 17-Sep-09 21:42:34

I would go to counselling if I were you.

Because you sound a bit mad. You should have got over this by now.

HerBeatitude Thu 17-Sep-09 21:42:35

I would go to counselling if I were you.

Because you sound a bit mad. You should have got over this by now.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now