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Is he boring? or safe? And am I being totally unreasonable???

(10 Posts)
dramaqueen72 Sun 05-Jun-05 13:10:18

Dh comes from a big family, they are very close and still all literally live with in arms reach. Dh never makes decisions by himself, it’s a thing he struggles with. That in itself is okay, but what getting to me, is his reliance on his father/mother for the answers. I prob didn’t explain that very well.
take eating out for example……………
We hardly every get to try new places to eat, he likes to eat in the same five places his parents like to eat, and quite usually have the same bloody dish in each one. I’d love to go out exploring and find a new place each time. We never seem to strike out on our own, we never get to find ‘our’ favourite place, somewhere they(his family) maybe haven’t even been. If he cant think of where to go he will listen to my suggestion but then ring his parents…………..
I sometimes feel like I am not married/his wife but merely tagging along behind his family who are doing what they have done for years together.
His dad is lovely but quite controlling, very opinionated and used to everyone doing as he says. He has a fierce opinion on everything from what we should do with our lives to which mop we should buy. And I know he’s older and is indeed wise, but sometimes I want us to be independent. I like his family but I want US (me, dh and our children) to be the ones doing things 90% of the time, not feel like I am going along with the entire in-law family
I think living next door but one to two members of his family, and ten minutes from the others isn’t helping. My family is 40 mins drive away.
Am I being totally unreasonable not liking this? Dh says I am, he says what’s wrong with asking for advice or opinions.

colditz Sun 05-Jun-05 13:12:02

Tell him nothing wrong with asking advice, but always taking it isn't healthy or adult.

jampots Sun 05-Jun-05 13:15:49

My sister and I often discuss te fact that our dh's gravitate towards things their parents did/do. When she and her dh visit his parents they always go to the same restaurant (pub) and have the same bland dishes EVERY SINGLE TIME and it drives her mad. Then when she shops with her dh they ALWAYS have to go to Starbucks for coffee instead of somewhere else. My dh for years always had to go out for a curry as he was weaned on it and his parents have everything currified. We invited them for dinner one evening and I served a seafood pasta dish and things they wouldnt normally dream of eating

mytwopenceworth Sun 05-Jun-05 13:16:41

sorry but this would drive me mad. he is acting like a little boy not a grown man with a family of his own. he is not 10yrs old and he doesnt need to run every decision by his parents! they in turn will continue to treat him like a child for as long as he acts like one.
nice to be close to your relatives, great to have a good relationship, but the only opinion he needs on daily basis is his and yours. it just sounds like he needs/wants their permission on everything and no one should be given that power over a grown man!

QueenEagle Sun 05-Jun-05 13:21:42

I suspect that he was either made to feel as if his opinion didn't count or that he had made the wrong choice as a child and posssibly ridiculed for it. Consequently it seems as though your dh has a low self esteem and fearful of making decisions of his own for fear of them being "wrong".

He needs his confidence building up and he will then feel confident in his decision making abilities.

WigWamBam Sun 05-Jun-05 13:25:33

I think your dh needs to realise that his dad is only wiser because he has led his own life made decisions (and mistakes) for himself, rather than always relying on someone else to make his decisions for him.

SleepyJess Sun 05-Jun-05 13:28:03

WWB you are so wise!

zaphod Sun 05-Jun-05 13:29:09

That would irritate me no end. Is there any chance of moving farther away from his family?

haven Wed 08-Jun-05 21:04:56

dh and i would fight over the same thing. he always needed to ask his mommy and daddy if it was o.k. he always told me that everytime he made a decision on his own it always turned out wrong.

well, in the end dh and I make the decisions now and for the most part we do pretty good. i tried to explain to him, that repecting their opinion was right, but not respecting his own wasn't. his problem was he never gave himself credit. he thought he would have never made it without them.
now he knows and if he makes a mistake, oh,well life goes on and now we have something that we know not to do again.

ScrewballMuppet Wed 08-Jun-05 21:10:05

my dh used to do this. We'd have a major decision to make and he would speak to his parents then come back withhis mind made up without discussing it with me. It became a dealbreaker and over time he has changed.

Your not being unreasonable at all it can make you feel invisible which your not

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