Is this my life now?? (sorry long)

[weejock]

1st post please be patient!!

DP and i have been together for over 2.5 years, always been a long distance relationship until i moved down south, this reduced the distance from over 300 miles to 100 miles. We cannot be closer due to our jobs. I had a rosy glow idea that id see him every weekend, not so as family and friends have been visiting so he refuses to be here too.

Basically i spoil him rotten, i run after him and cater to pretty much his every need (i know its sad but ive always been like that) he is quite demanding whether it be food, foot rubs, his telly programmes, new rock & republic jeans etc.. (i know, mug)

I however am the opposite im not demanding at all its very easy to keep me satisfied, regular texts and phonecalls, the odd bath run for me with a glass of wine.. This has happened recently but only after i had to point out that he needed to pull his finger out, btw im still waiting on a promised birthday present, my birthday was in January. Sex pretty non existant and when it is its wham bam (sorry tmi) almost like he is trying to put me off.

We have had an awful few weeks with lots of tense conversations i wouldnt call them proper arguments. He is making an effort but it seems i may have done the 'be carefull what you wish for' as my heart just isnt in it any more.

Example, sitting at dinner last night conversation was nil and when i tried to speak, no reply, when i said that i was trying to start a conv, i had the face took off me!! This made me go quiet, his interpretation was that i was being petulant, like a 5 year old. When i said he had shouted i got the usual 'its in your fucking head, you are fucking mad'

Another example this week, he controls all tv watching, sport, history etc All stuff i do not watch. He scrolled down the sky planner 'what the fuck is all this shite doing on here, watch whatever the fuck you want' the controller got lobbed onto my ankle bone. I went to bed..

I should point out that its my house, i pay all the bills including the sky, he contributes nothing to the household finances but because he makes the journey to see me i dont ask him for anything, and im too proud anyway.

He generally makes me laugh and can be affectionate but no proper kissing. Im 33 and i think im too young to be settling for this life, my 2 best friends think i am wasting my time. I have tried to break up with him, i told him last night to pack his stuff and go, this was after he said 'i dont have to fucking stay here'. So i told him to go.

But he doesnt go!! He just ignores whats been said and carries on like everything is ok and its soo not and im just exhausted with the whole situation.

Im sorry its soo long and thankyou if you got to the end and im sorry if i didnt make sense..

[hullygully]

You know the answer. Get Rid.

[BonsoirAnna]

I think you should dump him now and get yourself some counselling about what you want out of life and how not to be a relationship doormat.

You don't value yourself very highly if you let yourself be treated the way this man treats you... Why is that?

[crazycanuck]

Next time he goes out for any length of time get the locks changed and leave his things outside.

[Uriel]

Read your post as if one of your friends had written it. What would you be telling her?

[weejock]

That is the thing i DO definately value myself but for some reason he has a grip on me and no matter how hard i try i cant got the words together!!

Ive done it before, my ex husband was violent and i made it out of that one!!

Its soo easy to say get rid but i just cant seem to do it!!!!

[Twinsmommy]

You need to sit down with a piece of paper and write a list - in one column, list everything that makes you happy about your relationship together, and in the opposite column, write everything that makes you unhappy about the relationship. Then put the list away.

The following day, with a clear head, get the piece of paper out and weigh up the "for" and "against".

Why are you staying with this man? He is only treating you the way you allow him to. I suspect that he has dragged your self-esteem to such a low level that you think you're not worthy of anything better?

I agree with your 2 best friends. Remember, men may come and go, but your best friends will always be your best friends, come rain or shine. Listen to them.

If he won't pack up his things, then pack them up for him - and send them by DHL to wherever his sorry-*rse lives - you deserve better.

[weejock]

Uriel thats exactly what my friends say to me!!

Princess he doesnt have a key, its my house not his and he has never asked for one either!!

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

weejock

Get rid of the loser.

You sound like his Mum actually running around after him. Not surprised he hasn't left; this cocklodger has got it made with you looking after him.

Why are you letting this happen to you?.

Best friends opinions can also be instructive too; think you need to heed what they are saying here. Perhaps you should also be reading "Women who love too much" written by Robin Norwood.

[weejock]

Twinsmommy - that is a great idea and i have tried it. I faced him with it too his answer was to put it all back on me for pointing out his faults, he refused to point out any of mine apart from i point his out too often!!

God i sound like a joke but its good to actually type this!!

[Servalan]

"Its soo easy to say get rid but i just cant seem to do it!!!!"

What do you think is stopping you weejock?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

He seems to have some sort of svengali influence over you but this man is no good for you either.

Seems as well that the fantasy of the LDR is a long way from the reality. He probably told you all sorts when you were living further apart to suck you further in.

It likely took you a long time to separate from your violent husband; this man did emotional harm to you, harm that is now being further perpetuated by your current loser man. All this causes further harm to your self worth and esteem.

[weejock]

We have a lot of history, were sweetheats years ago and met 10 years later. I guess im trying to make it work, that is i guess whats stopping me. Although the thought of never seeing him again doesnt freeze my belly the way it used too..

[warthog]

he's a part-time cocklodger.

if you can't get the words out, text him. i wouldn't normally advocate this, but it's good enough on this occasion.

say: 'i have packed up your stuff and you can fetch it sat am between 10 and 11. otherwise i will be taking it to the dump'

he sounds utterly awful.

[TaylorSwift]

Sounds like a complete knobber.

[Servalan]

So, when you were "sweethearts", what was your relationship like then?

Had you been regarding him as "the one that got away" before you got back together?

Apologies for all the questions, just trying to get clear in my head why you're finding it so hard to move on.

[weejock]

The fantasy of the LDR to me was just the idea of waking up in the same bed at the weekend.. Its that simple.. He has ruined that though cos he wont shift his carcass till well into the afternoon so anything we may do, not that we plan anything, we cant cos its too late in the day!!

Oh dear it sounds even worse now and thats not even the tip of the iceberg!!

[weejock]

It was fantastic, first love!!

I cheated on him.... Still feel guilty esp as that 1 night stand created a baby, DS is 11..

Guess thats the answer then.. guilt..

[Twinsmommy]

Of course he had no list to give back to you - I mean, you are practically wiping this "grown man's" backside for him.

I suggest you make yourself unavailable for a while. Don't take his calls. And don't phone him. The length of time it takes before he drives his sorry self down to see what's going on will tell you a lot about what he thinks about you/your relationship.

If you can't/won't kick him to the kerb, then you need to at least take some of the control back in this relationship if it is ever going to be anything more than it is.

[womblemeister]

Leave. Now.

[doggiesayswoof]

Tell yourself it is not hard to get rid of this guy

You have your own house

Your own job

No DC together (I presume)

You can change the locks and not let him in the next time he comes

FGS move on with your life without this eejit

He doesn't love you

The way he talks to you - would you speak to someone that way if you cared about them?

[doggiesayswoof]

You know your head is not in reality.

You are living in a fantasy where you get back together and you make it up to him and absolve yourself from cheating and he forgives you and it's all wonderful.

This will never happen.

You've tried. You have given it your best shot.

I guess your relationship wasn't perfect way back when? Otherwise you would not have cheated.

[Servalan]

Ah, so there's a fair amount of subtext to what you describe in your op.

I can understand why you feel guilty, but it was over 10 years ago. People change a lot in that amount of time. We all mess up in different ways in our lives. I think you need to start forgiving yourself and allowing yourself to be happy.

I would suggest that 10 years gives plenty of opportunity to start looking at your past relationship with your partner through rose-tinted specs, especially as you later ended up in a violent relationship. It builds him up into being this fantastic bloke who things could have been so great with, but instead this is how things ended up etc, etc, etc.

Well, he's not exhibiting much evidence of being a great bloke right now, and maybe he was a bit like this when you were together before, but because of your guilt over how things turned out you only remember the good things about the relationship before?

It does occur to me that if you cheated on him, perhaps that was a reaction to things not being great then after all?

I realise that I'm making a heck of a lot of assumptions here, so apologies if I'm off track.

It just strikes me that you have perhaps been punishing yourself for what happened, even if not consciously. Time to let it go, forgive yourself, love yourself and allow yourself to be happy.