Serious Question: How Do You Maintain Independance In Your Relationships?

[ScrewballMuppet]

Watching a program last night and it got me thinking as to how do me and dh maintain independance in our relationship. My answer to myself was We Don't.

When we go together we were both very independant in some way or other and that was part of who we both were. Over the years especially having kids has changed that. We do have problems in our marriage but we are determined to make it work, although at times theres nothing I would like bettr to scoop up the kids and walk straight into my own house away from him.

The program has got me thinking - if we used to be independant and we both liked it that way maybe that could be part of the problem weve become too dependant on each other if that makes sense. I believe being dependant is good in some respects and up to a certain point but theres got to be a fine line.

I would love to know how each of you maintain independance in your relationships?

[Frizbe]

Have to say we're quite interdependent, re house, kids, bills etc I guess relationships send you that way eh!
My independentness is staked out, by me having my own business, which when it eventually gets into profit will give me my own money...I also have a hobby which I do three times a week, gets me out the house without dh and kids, get to see other real live people! and I guess I'm fairly assertive within the relationship, so I try to keep things on an even keel, if you catch my drift!

[Sax]

We have the same problem really screwballmuppet however my dh does have a hobby so that keeps him sane and out of my hair some of the time.

I know what you mean that you become really dependant on each other, I think what if he wasn't there, however much we argue I do adore him.

[ScrewballMuppet]

bump

[hercules]

For me, it's important I work outside the home.

[Sax]

what is 'bump' don't get it??? Sorry bit thick here!!

[ScrewballMuppet]

Sax bump means bumping the message up so people who weren't online when the message first posted might have some input also I think

[Sax]

thank you, trying to learn the lingo!!

[motherinferior]

We have some degree of financial independence; we have separate friendships and separate interests; and we both respect each other's jobs.


We don't get out much though

[StMichaeltheArcAngel]

its interesting becuase of how we as individuals define independance.

i can drive, get around go out get drunk whenever i like - dh doesnt drive. dh goes out playing darts, we both work....however if he dropped dead tomorrow i dont know how i could ever manage

[motherinferior]

I do think, actually, that respecting each other's work is very important. Most of my previous boyfriends thought, at some basic level, that their jobs mattered more than mine. This one doesn't. And that must be even more important for women who don't work outside the home because looking after children doesn't seem to 'count' as work in a disconcerting number of relationships.

[joash]

We're both relatively independant. I do my thing, He does his thing. And then we do things together. I have my friends, he has his friends and we have some friends in common. We have responsibilities to each other, but we are not totally dependant on each other. It works for us and we've been together for over 24 years (married for almost 21).

[morningpaper]

I agree that the work issue is very important. It's quite difficult for me though because we rely on DH's job to keep the house and family running. My job keeps us in a 'safety zone' but without DH's job we'd be on the street. His job is also high-risk and quite stressful. So in a very practical way, my job isn't as important. Yes it's as important TO ME and FOR ME but in practical ways it is more important for him not to take days off or to do things which impinge on work time. Therefore it's always me who makes the work sacrifices e.g. when dd is ill.

He thinks my work is great and he's got my loads of business, but I'm always aware that when push comes to shove, it's ME that is shoved.

[jampots]

I would love to be more independent. When I was working although I had to contribute to the household I used to keep some money back for myself - I really miss that now. Dh is the sort of person who needs to be dependent on someone and I find it stifling so we havent managed it but I'll keep my eye on this thread to pick up tips

[ScrewballMuppet]

Sax you'll soon get the lingo, I haven't been here long myself and am slowly starting to get the jist of these acronyms and links.

I do think I could manage without him in most aspects but weve been together so long that I wonder where I stop and he begins so to speak, so I know where your coming from Sax.

Frizbe WOW setting up your own business, what is it?
I have gone back to college and then uni this year as determined to bring in a good wage so that financially I'm not dependant on anyone. As for hobbies it's been awhile between the kids and studying and the celebratery drinks after handing assignments I don't really have any.

But wonder if yus ask or mention that you go out?

Do you share all money that come into the house or just put in for the bills and keep it to yourselves?

Do any of you have your own space in the house or do you have to just take what you can get?

Spending do you question each other about what you've both bought or do you let it lie?

Do you think that you have a right to know who thy are talking to on the phone or do you just let it be?

The same with everything do you expect that now your together you have a right to know most things about what they do who they talk to etcc and they you?

Lots of questions I know but would love to know the answers and if it works?
I'm wondering if we cramp each others style

[joash]

ScrewballMuppet - in answer to your questions;

I have my own space in the house - DD1 moved out, DS claimed her bedroom so I claimed the spare room. Got all my 'gear' in it, decorated as I like it, no-one is allowed in without my permission - love it.

We never question each other about what we've both bought. Although DH does have a tendency to say would you mind if i bought ...Whatever... Not sure why as I always say, buy what you like - can't see why you're asking me anyway.

It's nothign to do with me who he talks to on the phone and vice versa - we trust each other, so it's not an issue.

[mytwopenceworth]

interesting questions

if one of us is going out of course we say and say where we are going

we dont have his or hers money, all in one kitty

own space in house? with small children? all space is kids space!!! we're lucky to get a potter around the shed!!

spending - pay bills (or ignore bills!!) and then if we or one of us wants something and the money is there, we just get it - we'll show it to the other like 'look what i got, isnt it nice'

telephone - we always say oh that was so and so and share conversations if the other one is interested

"The same with everything do you expect that now your together you have a right to know most things about what they do who they talk to etcc and they you?" - yes, not so much 'right' as we just tell each other, or it will come up in conversation like - how was your day? oh i did such and such or bumped into so and so

does that make us weirdly dependent or one 2 headed person or just boringly married!!!!!

[haven]

as a previous post said, there isn't independence, not even a real couple when trying to tend to it all. i am starting to believe you make a vow to finish life in the same house..not together..

i was super dependent when i met dh,worked 6-7 nights a week, and paid my own bills,
dh well he on the other hand was a spoiled mommy's boy that never ran out of cash....
now for him to feel like a man i have to act less assertive, and less aggressive. i am not mean, just very up front.
we have both change alot, for the better, dh supports us, works everyday and i stay home(not really me)just don't know how i could be me and he could be him and still be together.

[Rarrie]

I think we've kept our independence quite well.

We both earn - joint finances goes into the 'bills account' - to pay the bills! What's left in my account is mine, and I can spend on how I like, and would never even think to ask or even consult him. Strangely, he always asks me - don't know why tho!

I have my hobbies, he has his - we also have separate friends, but also joint friends for the whole dinner party thing!

As for separate rooms - well he has his own study (known as 'his bedroom'!) I did have a study, but it became the dining room when DD got her playroom. But when we move house next year, we will have to share a big study! eek!

Some nights we do separate things - him upstairs on the computer, me reading downstairs etc - but other nights we play board games together, drink wine etc. I think that's what makes our relationship work so well - at times we are complete opposites (we do not share in each other's hobbies/interests at all!) but we also make sure we come together for 'couple time' too!

[Carla]

Independance in a relationship with children is hard - you can't. Independance by yourself is moderately achievable. H pays all the bills, including my BC ones, but the bit of money I use for their treats comes from the house I let out.

In a nutshell, if we had to break up, I'd lose that too.

And that fact really effes me off!

[Gobbledigook]

But wonder if yus ask or mention that you go out? - of course, that's just courteous - I'd say, I've arranged to go out with x next Wed, that's OK isn't it?' and he would do the same. Neither of us stops the other going out unless there is a good reason/

Do you share all money that come into the house or just put in for the bills and keep it to yourselves? - we share all the money that comes in. All dh's salary and my earnings (I work freelance from home) goes into one account and everything comes out of that one account. We keep an eye on the account and decide together we need to tighten our belts or whatever but both dh and I go out shopping and buy what we need/want without asking the other.

Do any of you have your own space in the house or do you have to just take what you can get? - what do you mean by own space? Like now, I'm up in the office on here and dh is downstairs with ds1 and ds3 having lunch. Before that, I was downstairs with the kids cleaning the kitchen etc while he was up here putting things on ebay. Yesterday afternoon dh let me have a 1.5 hr nap cos i was shattered. Is that what you mean?

Spending do you question each other about what you've both bought or do you let it lie? - one of us only questions the other if we are on an 'economy drive' and one of us buys something unnecessary like a Ted Baker shirt or something! But generally, no.

Do you think that you have a right to know who thy are talking to on the phone or do you just let it be? - er, not a right but just nosey! We usually know who each other is speaking to and then we relay back what we were talking about! No secrets in this house! However, most of the people we talk to are family or mutual friends anyway.

The same with everything do you expect that now your together you have a right to know most things about what they do who they talk to etcc and they you? - we don't know every tiny detail but we tend to know what each other is up to.

In terms of my independence as a SAHM - I work freelance so earn money (not that I think that matters really), I swim every morning at 7am while dh has the kids before he goes to work, I go out in the evenings with girl friends whenever I like (though it's not that often). He has his own hobbies too and will go out with workmates or whatever.

I think we have a good balance and I think you do need things for yourself as well as things together.

[Carla]

Gg, a lot of people don't have enough space in their home to create 'their' space.

[mrsbernal]

My only space is my laptop, and h still gets pissed off that i am excluding him.

[ScrewballMuppet]

Motherinferior we don't get out much and when we do its to the pictures, which is nice but boring when its constant. We don't have similar interests well none that I can think of. Where actually very different people.
Agree with you on respecting the job thing, I am fortunate in that department he does and changed his career path one which e was very good at so that he would stop traveling to be home to help me more with the kids as I go back to college and uni.

SMTA thanks for that definately food for thought on how I and we perceive independance.

Joash and Rarrie sounds like a good balance.

Morningpaper we were the same for years. We moved round alot so with each move I had to find another job the push always shoved if you like. thats great that he's behind you. What is your job?

Jampots my dh seems to be too dependant on me for certain things and I too find it stifling. I have to manage all the form filling and sorting out of financial and official documents. It gets me down especially when I have studying to do aswell. I have in the past left it but my dh takes the easiest less hassle option which is not always the poor option but I know but sometimes it not always the best optio either. We've ended up in sticky financial situations left to husbands decisions. So am resigned to sorting it out although definately feel resentful for it. Would love to be with someone who could hold their own in that department. Maybe am being to fussy?

MTWorth thats kind of how we do things at the mo. Does it create problems or are you both fine with it?

Haven I wonder if people are meant to live with one person for rest of lives at all or wheteher were just meant to live with a few special people over time and share our lives with them. If that makes sense. A vow to just stay in the same house sounds spot on aswell.

What do you all perceive to be independance in a relationship then?

[morningpaper]

But wonder if yus ask or mention that you go out?

We go out TOGETHER in the evenings rarely - once every three months? Due to lack of babysitters. We always go for a nice meal and have a good chat - it's nice and we both enjoy it. We got out separately with our own friends about once a month.

We also have occasional weekends away with our own friends. DH is taking dd to his mother's in a few weeks while I have a good friend to stay for the weekend. He is going away for the weekend with one of his friends later this month, and away for a week in July with one of his friends.

Do you share all money that come into the house or just put in
for the bills and keep it to yourselves?

It all goes into one account, then we each have the same amount EACH 'pocket money' per month, for cash and lunches etc. That way we don't have to ask questions about how any money is spent - he can spend it all on hookers and gin, but he's only got his limited pocket money, the same as me.

Do any of you have your own space in the house or do you
have to just take what you can get?

Sadly we don't have enough room! But he is usually in front of the telly downstairs while I am in front of the computer upstairs.

Do you think that you have a right to know who thy are talking
to on the phone or do you just let it be?

Usually when one of us comes off the phone we say "That was so and so..." It would be odd not to say. At the same time I don't want to turn into my mother so I try not to pester.

The same with everything do you expect that now your together you have a
right to know most things about what they do who they talk to etcc and they you?

I think we both respect each other's lives as individuals and acknowledge that we still require privacy and space for personal friendships and interests. We are both divorced and I think our relationship allows for more personal space than perhaps our first marriages did.

I work from home as a web designer by the way, thanks for asking! I love it - I'm very lucky!