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Being brave and posting this list - Also need help with practical/financial side of leaving.

(24 Posts)
BertieBotts Thu 17-Sep-09 12:21:40

I started this list about a month ago but chickened out of posting it here. It's a reminder to me of why I need to move out.

I also have a dilemma - I need to leave my P who is emotionally abusive towards me, and I am worried about the way he behaves towards our DS. (I am 95% sure my P has NPD - see long current thread) We are in rented private accommodation and both our names are on the tenancy. I have been advised by the council that I would probably be better off staying here, then I realised in the office I downplayed the abuse and made excuses for him again, I need to stop angry. Anyway the reason I can't stay here is the landlord is P's friend and I would feel he is checking up on me.

P has recently started to look at places for us to move (as a family) and I wondered whether it would be easier to move in with him to a new place and then get him to leave. I have been advised by the local DV team that this would be an easy option, but only if he goes without a fight, if not I would have to go to court over it. It seems the best thing for me to do is to find somewhere to rent privately and move in. The problem is I have got a bit of saving money, but not enough for a deposit + 1 month's rent upfront, and I am worried while sorting benefits etc we will have nothing to live on. The DV team advised me to apply for a crisis loan. I have also got an appointment with the council to look at my housing need in more detail.

Has anyone been through this and can offer me any practical support?

Here is the list of reasons I want to leave:

- Makes racist, homophobic, sexist, (just plain ignorant) comments regularly.
- Gets angry very easily.
- Pesters me for sex constantly (& boasts about sex, usually lies).
- Barely helps with son.
- Moans if he has to do any housework. My housekeeping skills are "useless" because I am "lazy".
- Orders me around, e.g. asking for a glass of water not just when I happen to be going into kitchen (reasonable) but when I am sitting down, further away from kitchen than he is and equally busy.
- Considers money and belongings all "his", tries to control it, is also reckless with money, but is not happy if I "overspend"
- Calls me names, swears at me & puts me down
- Scary, disconnected look in eyes (controlled now? have not seen it for a while) when he drinks too much. Have seen him lose it with others, never towards me.
- On some occasions he is violent towards inanimate objects.
- Paranoid, esp that everyone is "against him".
- ALWAYS right & turns everything into argument
- Witholds love & affection if annoyed
- Belittles breastfeeding, tries to turn son against me with phrases like "Mummy has abandoned you" when I am in the bathroom or on the phone or doing something important for me.
- Dangerous/aggressive driving which scares me.
- Does not try to like my friends, actively avoids them
- Insinuates my parenting is wrong/bad
- Only gives to recieve (ie does not like giving presents if he's not going to get one back of equal value)
- Guilt trips/does not believe me when I am ill
- Very hard to talk to esp. if I am not saying what he wants to hear. Twists meanings of words.
- My housework efforts are never good enough
- Does not like me talking to my mum, friends etc about him - but he readily discusses our arguments with his friends.
- Does not respect my privacy - reads emails, texts, call history, internet history if he gets the chance.
- Makes jokes behind my back at work etc, then tells me about them, and/or tells me things that others have said about me. (ie normal venting stuff they have said, but still hurtful)
- Calls 10 month old son "naughty" "manipulative" "clingy" and "vicious" and has no patience with him. Talks about smacking him when he's older almost as though he's looking forward to it. Am not sure how I feel about smacking anyway but his attitude is seriously worrying me.
- Is too rough with son. Twice has "punished" him innapropriately - once smacked his wrist and once squeezed his hand hard enough to make him cry. Son is now 11 months old. Forgave first incident as a misunderstanding (of child's developmental ability to understand) but not the second.
- Is jealous of other men, especially my exes, who I am not in contact with, but is friends with his exes and expects me to trust him.
- Weird incident earlier in year when he flirted with a young girl, "Just to see if I have still got it" now seems to be trying it again with another girl (17yrs)
- Controls food by not letting me do shopping due to not having enough money in the bank, but having cash for takeaways or to shop himself for inappropriate/expensive food which gets wasted.
- Relating to food again, I am "too fussy" because I insist on balanced meals and refuse to eat the weird concoctions he cooks like fish, sausages, chicken and cold sweetcorn with garlic sauce.
- Refuses to sit at the table and eat with me & son, refuses to have lights on in house.
- Various health problems such as tooth decay, back problems, which he refuses to get treated.
- Laughs in my face if I try to say something serious. Makes me look unreasonable if I ever bring up anything serious in company.
- Has said to me "You would be nothing without me" "You couldn't cope on your own" etc.
- After an argument behaves extremely insecurely and texts me multiple times a day asking "Are we OK now?" "Will you love me forever?" "Please don't leave me" etc. I have to text back or the texts become increasingly paranoid. In fact this happens most days whether we have argued or not.
- Accuses me of "never telling him anything" if he discovers something minor, e.g. that my cousin has phoned me for a chat or my mum has popped round or I bumped into his friend in town. Usually gets annoyed about this before I have even had a chance to mention it anyway.
- Does not like me drinking alcohol, unless I am with him, when he encourages me to drink and says I am boring if I don't. I asked why he does not like me drinking alcohol without him and it is because he "does not trust me when drunk", he also does not like me hanging out with my friends and/or getting drunk in case anybody he knows sees me acting in a way he deems "immature".

GypsyMoth Thu 17-Sep-09 12:28:22

oh my!!

i think it doesn't matter how you get away,just go!!

would you not consider a WA hostel? they can re-house you from there. he won't be in the way then to try and prevent you,or to belittle you any further

BertieBotts Thu 17-Sep-09 12:28:54

Sorry - just to say I will be out for the afternoon and if P gets home before me I won't be able to post until tomorrow, so I am not ignoring you if you reply

Anniegetyourgun Thu 17-Sep-09 12:31:04

You could do worse than printing out the list and taking it with you to the housing office. A lot of this is disturbing behaviour, but the aggressiveness towards a young child and worse, minor violence towards a baby, would have them leaping into action on your behalf, I'm sure.

BertieBotts Thu 17-Sep-09 12:31:37

Oh, hello I had thought about a WA hostel but was informed by CAB that there needs to be violence in the relationship to be considered. I wasn't sure if his behaviour towards DS counted or not. (As I mentioned it's not an everyday thing, but occasional, I am just worried about it escalating as he becomes a toddler) I did phone WA but couldn't get through and the local DV team didn't mention any possibility of one.

BertieBotts Thu 17-Sep-09 12:34:17

Thanks for your messages. I don't have a printer at home but now this is online, I can print it out at the library or somewhere. I am off out now to make some more enquiries and see a friend and may or may not be back later.

cyteen Thu 17-Sep-09 12:34:23

Oh god, please just get yourself and your little boy away from this 'man'.

My DS is 1 and the thought of someone acting towards him in the way you describe has really upset me.

Sorry I have no practical advice, but am bumping so that wiser heads can chip in. You have all my support for getting the hell away and living your lives in peace and happiness! Good luck

ginnny Thu 17-Sep-09 12:36:47

Just a few of those reasons would be enough to make me leave, but the worst is his treatment of your ds.
You really need to get away from him before you have any more reasons to add to that list.
Find out if they run this scheme in your area. It could help you get out faster.
Good luck.

MitchyInge Thu 17-Sep-09 12:38:04

I would go into a refuge if possible, move on from there.

BunnyLebowski Thu 17-Sep-09 12:46:35

Oh bertie sad

I remember you posting about him when you had a different name?

You've always come across as an intelligent young woman and a bloody good mum. You need to show this by getting the hell away from this cretin.

You and your wee man deserve so SO much better. My dd is the same age as your lo and the thought of anyone touching her roughly is making my blood boil sitting here.

A life of peace and happiness is so within your reach my love. Do something about it now before the situation gets any worse for you and your wee boy.

Just get away from him.

queenofdenial2009 Thu 17-Sep-09 17:30:00

Please go to a refuge - CAB are wrong, he is abusive and you and DS need to get away. I was offered a place with my non-physically violent ex (ended up going to a friend's). He sounds awful, please get out.

BertieBotts Thu 17-Sep-09 17:30:11

Yes Bunny I used to post under CherryChoc.

Thanks for all your support. I have an appointment with the council housing dept on 24 September, that was the earliest they can see me - they do have drop-ins but they are at 8.45 am and they can only see 4 people each day, so first I would have to explain why I was going out so early and then I might have to go back the next day anyway. We have lived with him for this long so a week isn't too much longer, I just keep thinking this. DS is sleeping quite well at the moment so he barely sees his dad in the evenings anyway. I went into the smaller local office today and they said if I bring in the correct ID to there I can fill in the HomeChoice forms (waiting list for council house) - I will probably end up in private rented accommodation anyway as there is a shortage though. The lady there said I should ask the housing people for advice on any bond schemes or crisis loans as well.

Will post again tomorrow.

mathanxiety Thu 17-Sep-09 17:32:48

Bertie -- RUN. Go and live under a bridge even. It will be better than this. He has NPD and then some. Print out your list and knock on every door there is until someone helps. He will seriously hurt the child. There's no stopping someone like this. xxxxx

overmydeadbody Thu 17-Sep-09 17:39:23

You are definately leaving this sorry excuse for a man aren't you?

Please whatever you do do not move into a new place together as a family with a view to kicking him out 'later'. Leave now, asap, as soon as you can. Do not delay any more than you have to.

What a bastard.

BertieBotts Thu 17-Sep-09 17:41:28

Remember this list is the worst of it. I will have more chance of getting something more stable if I go for the appointment. I honestly do not think we are in any more danger this week than we have been for the last 11 months (and before). I want it to be over but it is better for me to find somewhere to go first.

Thank you for your concern I am doing something about it. I will not let him harm DS any more than he has done. It is awful seeing it all written down like that though

Anniegetyourgun Thu 17-Sep-09 21:50:24

Not having a go at you, and glad you have your eyes open, but I just have to comment where you say "This list is the worst of it..." How much worse do you think it ought to be?!

groundhogs Thu 17-Sep-09 23:05:12

Wishing you all the luck in the world, you do need to leave, keep those guns blazing!

Bet writing it down really has helped you see it all for what it is.

You are doing the right thing.

BertieBotts Fri 18-Sep-09 08:30:15

Annie what I meant is that this behaviour in the list is what he is like 10-20% of the time, the rest of the time he is normal, even nice - he says thank you when I cook dinner, DS enjoys himself playing with him when he is in a happy mood, etc. I need the list to make myself angry and remind myself what he has done because when they are being normal your brain sort of plays tricks on you and you forget what they are like, even feel guilty for thinking badly of them. I think anyone who has been in any kind of abusive relationship will know what I mean.

But just recently I realised that "normal" with my P is boring and lonely, "good" with him (laughing, chatting, flirting etc) should be normal!

BertieBotts Fri 18-Sep-09 08:32:29

Oh OMDB YES I am leaving! It feels good to say that. Going to the council on Thursday for advice but need to go and look at places before then to get an idea of how much money I need etc.

mathanxiety Fri 18-Sep-09 17:16:16

The nice and normal/ bad times are two sides of the same man. The bad times are the times he pulls on the leash, and the normal times are 'allowed' to you -- but you're still on a leash with a man like this. There's never a time when you're completely free, even if you don't feel the leash. Keep on with your plans smile. xxxx

TamTam29 Fri 18-Sep-09 17:44:22

Im hoping someone that has been through this is able to offer you some advice as I dont really have much knowledge or expereince to help Although my sil has been through something silmilar.

I just wanted to wish you luck with your very brave move!

* he sounds like my sil ex - does he or did he dabble in drugs? That could explain some of the behaviour & insecurities. Although im not justifying his actions. SIL went through a similar thing but was lucky enough to have a huge family network (we are a "normal" enough hard working family, not a mafiosa or anything LOL)

Also I think the reason that you have been told to stay put for now is if you leave the house you have made yourself intentionally homeless - SIL had left the house with the kids & was also told she needed to move back in (although the co-owned their house) Social services helped her to get the injunction & my DH & BIL helped to persuede ex to move out the family home.

Be careful though - research has shown that in domestic violence cases (which it is, despite not ever actually having hit you physically) women are at most risk just before and after the relationship has ended.

BertieBotts Thu 24-Sep-09 10:59:44

Hi TamTam (Sorry I must have missed your message before) - yes he was involved with drugs when he was younger, and is not now. He is a very "extreme" person though and is either heavily involved or not at all. For example I smoked when I met him, he started smoking (again - he had before) and I cut down, we allowed ourselves 3 cigs each a day, this increased to 5, then all of a sudden he was chainsmoking again and he had to stop completely, which also meant I did as well (we continued to smoke socially while drunk until I became pregnant with DS, neither of us have smoked since)

Anyway I came on to say the appointment with the council is today. I am feeling happy at the thought of having my own place but also sad because I hate doing this behind his back. I know that is stupid. He has texted me today saying if I want to leave I should just say, but I have no idea what to reply. It comes across as such a reasonable request but I know he is not reasonable so I shouldn't treat it as such. I hate all this calculating

Also I weighed myself yesterday and I weigh 6 stone 10.

persephonesnape Thu 24-Sep-09 12:02:56

bertie, hello.

well done for taking this step - I don't mean that to sound patronising. it's a very difficult decision sometimes and it takes small steps at first. i think you're doing the best thing for you and your son.

6 stone 10 though?! is this normal for you? I would initially think you are severly underweight - please try and eat healthily and regularly whilst you are going through this transistion. look after yourself so you can look after your little boy.

very best of luck for the council - let us know how you get on.

Madascheese Thu 24-Sep-09 14:12:05

Hello Bertie

I read your list and had shivers up and down my spine as it was practically a replica of the one I had over 2 years ago when I left my exh.

I hope your housing meeting went well and the you feel strong enough to move forward. Seriously you have to do this for you and especially for your DS.

It's taken me a long time and a lot of support to get 'myself' back, but I'm starting to get there.

You will too, you sound like a lovely, strong lady, take care of yourself, I'll keep an eye out for messages from you.

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