I need someone to tell me straight what I have to do to get through today

[droplet]

DH and I had an enormous argument late last night. Its been a very tense few years and its almost the same argument that always happens, it just varies in its severity.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, it got nasty, a plate was smashed (me), all the buttons of a shirt were torn (me), there was a bit of shoving on both parts, and things were said that can't ever be unsaid. Vicious things that cut deep.

Today, I need to be busy, I have a variety of people I need to see and I need to be able to get through the day.

My mind is racing though, I can't focus on anything (I can't ever normally!) and trying to hold on to my tears, when I need to cry until I can't anymore, makes me feel like my chest might burst.

How can I get through the day?
How can I focus and get this to the back of my mind until the day is over and my children sleeping?
I need to timetable my upset really. What a strange place to find yourself. I've regularly done it before, only today it seems unattainable.

I am like a cat on a hot tin roof, but I need to be a swan until I can fall apart in private.

I was going to prepare dinner, but I don't want to include him.
I was going to shove on a wash, but I don't want to wash his stuff.
Its his birthday soon and I really need to get a photo enlarged and framed, but I don't want to anymore nor do I even want to think about buying him stuff.

It seems everything I think of doing today only throws up my childish feelings of wanting to cut him off. I couldn't even speak to him this morning and he roared off in his car dramatically.

Sorry. This is a mess. Just like my head.

[droplet]

And I have two meetings at lunchtime with prospective clients and I need to be smiley and cheery and not carrying the world on my shoulder.

[droplet]

Please. Someone talk.

[Spagblog]

Oh poor you. It is so hard to put a brave face on when all you want to do is hide under the duvet.

[Spagblog]

Can you cancel the meetings? Tell them you are ill and ask to reschedule?

[lou33]

sorry to hear you feel so upset

what about doing something like have a clear out of your old and unused clothes, make space in your cupboards (i just put a huge back out to be collected later today)

at some point though you are going to have to make a decision about how to broach last night, but when you feel less emotional maybe?

[SolidGoldBrass]

You poor girl. I have been in this sort of mood myself in the past, and have found that carefully-selected distractions can help (have you got a favourite funny book? Or do you find things like Viz or Private Eye amusing, if so grab one of them). Also, frequent sips of water can help you kind of 'swallow' the stress. Also, the kind of very mild herbal 'tranquilisers' you can get from health food shops are good for, at the very least, tricking your brain into believing that you've taken some 'medicine' and won't do you any harm.
Good luck.

[lou33]

*bag not back

[OrmIrian]

droplet.

No advice really apart from to do what you are doing and try to shut it out so you can concentrate on your day. I've been there but been fortunate never to have had such a bad falling out that I haven't calmed down by the end of the day.

Would taking some time away help? A week away from home and him?

[TheOldestCat]

Sorry you feel so sad. Can you treat the meetings with clients like a chance to 'escape' all the bad feeling and be 'work you'? They might actually help.

Don't contact him today - you both need to cool down and talk when you're not raging. Would getting it all out here help you resolve why you're feeling like this and what you can do to make it better?

[droplet]

I really can't cancel. I wouldn't like myself if I did.

There's no easy answer. Thanks for replying. I just needed someone to know.

I wonder when you draw the line on a relationship. When do you say, lets not do it anymore? Do you wait until things have become unbearable or do you just meander through, accepting the frying pan instead of the fire?

[ErikaMaye]

Hi there.

Sorry to hear about all of this, sounds like a lot to deal with, especially when you have to pretend that everything is okay.

The fact you have these meetings, though, is probably a good thing - it will keep you distracted, if even for a little while. So use the time before them to make sure you are entirely prepared. I mean, go through every single thing you need for the meeting, make sure its all in order.

Do you have anything else you can be typing up? I find typing / writting distracting when I'm feeling over whelemd (hense why I seem to be on here so much!!).

[Tortington]

if you are at home, to save you dwelling on it you need to watcvh a comedy programme on bbc i player - i stongly recommend mock the week.

i hope hngs get better for you soon

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

You don't have an easy task ahead of you but all you can do is keep focussed on the job at hand.

What is this recurrent argument about, it the two of you cannot sort it together then is something like Relate worth considering?.
Someone has to do something here, you both cannot go on like this. Its not hurting just you either.

You are both hurting each other physically as well as mentally; this is not a healthy relationship at all for either of you. What sort of dynamic is going on here?.

Consider this as well. What are your children learning from you both, they are undoubtedly picking up on the unspoken bad vibes that you both give out to each other. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, what are you teaching your own children here?.

[generalunrest]

If I've ever had an argument with my DH I feel exactly like you do, I want to hurt him like he's hurt me and show him just how much I do for him because I care by not doing his washing/cooking for him etc.

You sound like you can normally compartmentalise the hurt/anger and keep it inside until an appropriate time? Perhaps to do this again you have to stop going what was said last night over and over in your head (I do this as well ) and force your attention on to another subject every time it creeps in. I know it's easier said than done.

If its the same argument you've had before, you must have thought about what it was about before and been able to rationalise what it was about, to be able to carry on living with him IYSWIM? It's awful isn't it

[Spagblog]

Well things that might help you get your head straight about the relationship are things like writing a list of pros and cons about being together.

Then write pros and cons about a life without your husband.

It always helps me to make lists.

I'm in similar boat but without the shouting atm. Its turned to resentfulness and indifference which feel more final.

[mollyroger]

I was 'there' in august and to an extent am still having moments of huge overwhelming anxiety catching me unawares.

I get a massive emotional response to music, so I shove on some loud upbeat or motivational (not sad!) music and set a timer and do a task until the timer goes off. then swap activity. It helps me to become more 'robotic' and less emotional IYSWIM. Sing along while you are doing it.

Develop a personal mantra in your head to chant (or BELLOW) mentally. Like ''This Does Not Happen'' or ''just keep swimming, swimming,m swimming'' a la Finding Nemo. Or
I Get Knocked Down But I get Up Again.

Or visualise yourself as someone you admire or who takes no shit, or is calm. ''What would Madonna/Princess Micheal Of Kent/Kirsty Allsop/Beyonce'' do? And pretend to be her for a while.

Go for a brisk walk or run

Careful on the caffeine today and try not to chainsmoke (if that is applicable)

Both will make you more jittery.

Be ready to apologise - even some acknowledgement of remorse for last night will go along a way, even if you don't feel you can apologise for everything which happened.

[droplet]

Crossed posts with everyone .

Have 3 children all in school so I can't disappear. Its the same argument of me feeling enormous resentment that I have felt like a single parent for all of the 9 years we have had children. And him feeling resentment that he doesn't want to hear how bad my day was. In his words, "its your job (meaning my SAHM), if you don't like it change it". But I am doing so much more than the norm.

I have just moved us from one big house into a bigger one. I did it alone. I run the home. I do all children related stuff (parents nights, pick ups). I am meeting prospective tenants for our old place and trying to get into a rental market for relocations. I did/do the project management of the renovations for this place.

I work my ass off. But apparently "you've never worked a day in your life and I've paid for it all".

That makes me want to scream. And I get angry because I have no fall back. No formal qualification. No earning power. Because I am made to be a mother. A SAHM. I do that very, very well, its where I'm suited. Makes me feel trapped - I'm dependent. I have no desire to learn anything else. I like my job.

But I have been struggling to keep my chin above water with all that i have to fit in to a day/week/weekend/month. And he doesn't want to hear that when he comes home.

[droplet]

Thanks custy

Molly, "just keep swimming" is something I do already, funny you should mention it

All, you have some great ideas. Thank you for keeping me company.

[duelingfanjo]

Are you being a mum to him too?
You mention that you have washing of his which needs doing. Personally I don't think it would be childish to just not do it along with just not doing other stuff you maybe do for him?

I don't think it would be unfair or game playing to do this. Though I think it's useful to say to him before hand 'there's washing of yours that you need to sort out' so that you're not engaging in some kind of silent protest.

Does that make sense?

[wheresmypaddle]

Poor you sorry you are having such a tough day. Obviously I don't know what caused the argument but I think its fair to say we all loose it sometimes to one degree or another. IMO its OK to feel angry with him and if you bury those angry feelings they may just resurface later- so let yourself feel angry and if you don't feel like doing anything for him today then don't.

However, your main concern is how to make it through the day. When I can't face the day I write a sort of schedule for myself including the type of things I usually do without thinking like 10am make cup of tea, 10.05 wipe down kitchen, 10.20 return phone calls, 10.30 walk the dog, 11am put in washing. I know it is very anal but I then sort of follow it without thinking and the day passes fairly quickly and I don't have too much time to think.

I hope you feel better soon.

[mollyroger]

man, it sounds like a horrible situation to be in Droplet
I was a SAHM for 5 years and it is hard but thankfully my dh was v supportive and it was his choice for me to that that as well as mine.

Feeling trapped etc aside, is there any time for you in this life of yours?

Tell him to take a week off and look after the kids while you go away - that''ll show him how ''little'' work you do...

Is it at all possible for you to get any paid p/t work? Might help you feel a little less dependent and trapped? And do wonders for your confidence and self esteem.

And you need to learn how to sell those skills you have learned, acquired as a mum - flexible, patient, mature, creative, good time management, budgeting etc

[droplet]

deulingfanjo, what a great name , I do all laundry, cooking, shopping, cleaning, holiday arranging, night out planning, gift buying, everything, I thought it was part and parcel of being at home. I just do everything except the finances, that is his world and so he does it all. That doesn't sound good does it! He works in investments and has been very good at it and so it was naturally down to him to do it. I think this is why he feels "I earn it, you spend it" but I'm hardly out buying designer handbags for my own personal use.

On screen our relationship looks very old fashioned. But I have never had an issue with that. I do what I'm good at.

God, I'm fed up with myself. But I feel a bit calmer. Going to try to score some things off the list.

[droplet]

molly, I couldn't bear to leave the kids for a week - he doesn't have the best patience with them. He's not a natural father. He's better now our youngest is 5.

He can be a marvellous DH. But haven't seen that for a long, long time. I suffered horrid PND after each pg and he did support me through that. But its like he's "paid his due" and doesn't want to do it anymore.

As I say, I struggle at the moment because everything is up in the air and I fire fight my way through the days. I know it will change but not for a few months.

I could sweep it away and remind myself we a are both under pressure. But actually, I don't like what we are like and I'm not sure I want to keep sweeping it away.

As for getting a p/t job.....its impossible atm because everything is too busy. I would only end up giving myself something else to fit in.

I don't know. I don't mean to be negative. I just feel a bit dead in the water atm.

Laundry time. I'm leaving his [childish]

[duelingfanjo]

it doesn't sound great but I can understand why it happens like that. I work and up until very recently I was doing all the washing, ironing, most of the cooking, all of the hoovering etc. I don't think my Dh has changed a bedsheet in the whole time we have been together.

In the end I realised I am not just a mug I am a mum who allwed this to happen. So I have told my DH they he has to wash up when I cook, he has to iron his own shirts and we need to split things more equally. It's kind of working. I also had to let go a bit more, i.e when he asks if there is anything he can do to help I actually let him now.

But I am kind of off topic, I am not sure how you focus on the day but I think if you can get through it without contacting him to continue the tussle then you're doing good.