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Need help to deal with SIL

(16 Posts)
downbutnotquiteout Thu 17-Sep-09 09:17:03

Ok so we have had problems with in laws right from when DS was born but basically it all boils down to the fact that me and DH got pregnant and then married very quickly so we had a lot to learn about each other still let alone having to deal with extended family etc... I got upset about a few things that happened in the early days after DS was born and because I didn't know his family (had met them 3 or 4 short visits whilst pregnant!)and they didn't know me things happened that have upset me and that have left bad feeling on both sides.
Anyway I know SIL is upset and feels like she is being ousted from our lives but at the same time I think she's really being quite selfish! I have tried really hard to get to know her. Whilst she was pregnant I sent emails and little pressies for her and for the baby and had hoped that once baby arrived things would finally be sorted out!
Anyway her DS is now 3 weeks old and I heard from DH that her Granddad had not had a chance to meet him because he's too ill to travel so i organise DH to drive her up to him instead this involved us changing our plans for her and meant that my DS had 3 hours extra time travelling! i thought it'd be worth it cos I assumed that there would be no way she could not be happy with me for helping her out! But no! She spent most of the day ignoring me, whilst being all lovely and friendly and smiley to everyone else. I know she's just had a baby but that was why we were running around after her and she doesn't even have the grace to say thanks or be polite to me. To be honest I'd happily never see her again (cos what's the point) and DH feels the same way but we both know that this isn't right and would effect others in the family.
So what can we do?

rubyslippers Thu 17-Sep-09 09:20:57

from your post it is impossible to tell why your SIL may be angry with you ...

her behaviour does sound ungracious but without more background i have no idea what to suggest other than maybe to back off

downbutnotquiteout Thu 17-Sep-09 09:51:05

The thing is yes she does want me to back off but at the same time she wants to see more of DS. Bit tricky as we do kind of come as a pair!

SheWillBeLoved Thu 17-Sep-09 10:45:37

Just back off. She doesn't sound worthy of your time and effort. If she then moans about not seeing DS - then tell her face to face that she is more than welcome to see him when she is more welcoming to you as you will be with him.

Also, why isn't it right to cut somebody from your life if they upset you so much? Stop trying to please everybody else, including her. Do what makes your own life happier and easier.

2rebecca Thu 17-Sep-09 11:02:44

I would just see her occasionally. She's your husband's sister so it's really up to him and his sister how often they see each other. I wouldn't expect my husband to tell me how often I see his sister and we just go and see my husband's sister when he arranges it with her. Lots of women seem to get overinvolved with their inlaws. If you leave the natural relatives to get on with things, just getting involved if you aren't happy about an arrangement (my husband discusses planned trips to his sister with me first) then things may go more smoothly.
It doesn't have to be all or nothing, you can just see people occasionally.
That's what we do, partly for geographical reasons and partly because we both work and we and the kids have lots of things to cram into our weekends.

2rebecca Thu 17-Sep-09 11:03:48

sorry should have read I wouldn't expect my husband to tell me how often I see MY sister, not his.

2rebecca Thu 17-Sep-09 11:07:23

I also don't get why your husband had to drive his sister up to see his dad. Why couldn't her husband drive her and their son up?

duelingfanjo Thu 17-Sep-09 11:08:42

She sounds ungracious as someone has said but on the other hand I don't think it's fair for you to be put out by all the inconvenience and hassle it caused you as you were the one who decided to make all the arrangements.

Why not let things happen naturally rather than trying to force things?

downbutnotquiteout Thu 17-Sep-09 11:56:33

Duelingfanjo I'm not put out about the hassle. I'm put out that she couldn't even talk to me during the visit let alone thank me!!
2rebecca her DH doesn't drive so this was her only chance to see her granddad with her newborn for a month or so. I thought it was important and I was trying to help out. I thought she would see that and stop seeing me as a threat so that we could start to get along. That's all.

MorrisZapp Thu 17-Sep-09 12:46:25

Why do you want to pursue a friendship with somebody you don't like? You owe her nothing. Just turn up to the minimum 'duty visits' you can get away with and let her get on with her life.

downbutnotquiteout Thu 17-Sep-09 13:22:47

I don't think I said I don't like her! She's part of my family I think for that reason she deserves to be given a second chance. I don't actually beleive in duty visits and would rather work out a way for us to put what has happened behind us. This situation has only really occurred because I was vulnerable when I had DS and I have had really bad PND I see no reason why my mental state should have an effect on other relationships within the family.
As far as I am concerned friendships and family are the most important things we have in life and I guess that i will continue to look for a way to fix this.
I don't think I'm stopping her from 'getting on with her life.'

MorrisZapp Thu 17-Sep-09 13:33:43

You did say you'd be happy never to see her again in your op.

If you want to be her friend then keep on trying, maybe things will change but maybe they won't. It just sounds as if you're making a rod for your own back, from what you've posted.

It is OK to not get on with some people.

duelingfanjo Thu 17-Sep-09 13:37:39

Why do you think she sees you as a threat?

downbutnotquiteout Thu 17-Sep-09 14:21:11

I'm not really sure why she sees me as a threat... I think she feels that I haven't let her see DS as much as she wanted to. Whenever she talks to DH on the phone she says that she feels that she misssed out on DS growing up! (he's only 1 1/2) But this is because of me having broblems with MIL (now sorted) and FIL (not so sorted) after birth and also from having PND and not being able to meet up with them as much as we wanted during the DS's first year. I think we only saw them 6 times in the first year but since things are sorted with his mum we have seen her 5 this year so far. (only seen FIL once - they're seperated. He's been too busy with work to see us!!!)
I can kid of see her point but as I saw I've been trying to make amends but to no avail.

2rebecca Thu 17-Sep-09 14:50:32

That's more than my sibs saw my kids, and I never saw my cousins more than 3-4 times a year. If she lives some distance from you it's not surprising. It's also odd she's more bothered about seeing her nephew than her brother. I love my nephews and nieces but when I go to visit my sibs I mainly go to see them. Expecting to have a good relationship with your nephew if you don't get on with your brother and SIL is a bit strange. Sounds like she should become a cub leader or something.

downbutnotquiteout Thu 17-Sep-09 15:24:26

Thanks for that 2rebecca. i think that's what annoys me so much about this situation. I'm going to try to see them more often but keep visits shorter say just a couple of hours! That way its not so intense for DS to be centre of attention for too long. Hopefully if we see her regularily she relax about seeing him and things will sort themselves out. Thanks for all replies I do feel more positive about this now!!

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