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Relationships

Have finally blown my top with a friend. Why do I feel so rubbish then? (Long)

58 replies

alison56 · 17/09/2009 00:00

I have this friend, let's call her Mandy.

I've known Mandy for ages (about 11 years). We are in a group of friends - we all graduated at the same time.

Mandy is perfectly lovely but not very self aware. She's had a series of rubbish boyfriends (including one who stole from her). Her last boyfriend was totally up his own arse. He finished with her after she'd sold her house and moved in with him - she was devastated and turned to us all for sympathy (which, naturally, we gave).

When she's in a relationship, she takes on that person's persona. If he's into motorbikes, she's suddenly into that too. She had one who was into pot holing and swore blind to us that she had "always loved pot holing" even though we knew she's never done it in her life. I suppose it's a sign of lack of confidence or something but it's really annoying because we're not daft and we know what she's saying isn't true.

When she's out of a relationship, we see lots of her. When she's with a bloke, she only seems to get in touch when she wants something, for example, if she wants somebody's husband to do some work on her house. Friends she turns to for company (and mutual support on the dating scene) are dropped like hot potatoes once she's in a relationship.

The other thing is, she often makes excuses to get out of things. When I had my first child christened, she left very early, siting a need to "go to B&Q", which left everyone gobsmacked. She left another of our (significant) parties very very early to join her boyfriend at another party instead (at his friends' house).

The problem is, she doesn't like being on her own. So no sooner has she come out of one crap relationship (making us swear to tell her if we see her making the same mistakes again) than she's into another. Inevitably we all see alarm bells ringing about the new boyfriend and nobody has the guts to tell her because she doesn't seem to want to hear it at the time.

And so it goes on and on....

Anyway, she started seeing this bloke two years ago. We have only met him once in that time because he (1) never comes to any get togethers or (2) they cancel at the last minute. It's irritating, but aside from that, she tells us things that set alarm bells ringing again (for example, he seems quite controlling - all her boyfriends have been the same).

This bloke (David) seems a bit anti-social (you might say shy if you were being kind but given his job I wouldn't say he was shy...). He doesn't have many mates. He doesn't really like going to social gatherings for her family ("couldn't be bothered" to go to a christening because he doesn't like kids - she told us this - so they didn't go).

Now Mandy's a traditional girl, and she's very good looking and has a lovely figure. She's always wanted the big white wedding. Earlier in the year they got engaged and fixed a date for November. You can imagine our surprise then, when she announced that they were only having 20 guests to the wedding because that was "all that David wants".

Despite this, she goes out and buys the whole shebang - big white dress, full length veil, the lot. And all this is for 20 guests in a hotel. Strikes us that she wants the big white wedding but they can't afford it so we don't question it - we totally understand if money is an issue - we'll just go to the evening do.

The next thing, they announce that they are going on a big expensive honeymoon (seriously expensive) doing something he's very keen on - so suddenly we realise the small wedding isn't about lack of money at all - it's really about what David wants. Only they can't go anywhere that doesn't have "English food" because he's a "steak and chips man - strictly no veg", so as much as Mandy longs to go to the far east, it's never going to happen because, as she puts it, "there's nothing David will eat".

You can imagine that everyone has an opinion on all of this behind her back. He seems to rule the roost - but it's too late because the wedding is booked and she's desperate to have children - "can't wait to get the wedding over with" as she (sadly) put it. So they can start trying.

Anyway, we get the invitations for the wedding and the bride and groom are asking for cash as presents. They have actually said in the invitations "you can buy us a present if you like but the cash will do" - which makes me want to go and lie down in a dark room.

And then we get talking to her and she's boasting that they aren't having an evening buffet at the wedding because not having a buffet is saving them £1900 and isn't that brilliant because £1900 is a huge saving. Instead of a buffet they are doing a sausage sandwich but it's strictly one sandwich each, with the exception of David's work colleagues, who can have two sandwiches because they have big appetites.

We are staggered (and puzzled - how will it be policed??!!).

And we're thinking "right, so we're not invited to your wedding but we can come in the evening and bring cash but you aren't even going to put on a spread....".

Nobody says anything. It's her wedding - the arrangements are made and nobody wants to add to what must be a stressful time by pulling her up and telling her she is really beginning to offend people. And of course, nobody is feeling like busting a limb to go to this wedding as it all seems a bit one-sided.

Then came the last straw.

I'm having my daughter christened and she replies to the invitation telling me they are coming. Then at the last minute she tells me (via facebook) that she isn't coming because she's going shopping instead. Specifically, she is going shopping to a shop that hires out wedding suits because she doesn't trust David's choice for his dad and best man and she wants to go with them (the wedding is 2 months away).

At this point, it's so late that I have already given our caterer the final numbers so I will have to pay for them even though they are not coming.

Despite this, I just stay calm and quiet. It's annoying but I don't want a showdown with her given that she's in the run up to her wedding so I say nothing.

Two days later she sends me a text to ask if I'm coming to the evening of her wedding. I haven't yet sent an RSVP because I haven't secured a babysitter.

When I tell her this, she gives me a deadline to say yes or no because she "has to give the hotel final numbers" by next week (7 weeks in advance).

So then that was it - I finally told her that her bahviour was hacking people off. I didn't mention a thing about the wedding because I didn't want to add to the stress a wedding causes (and it's probably too late for her to change anythign about it) but I told her I was fed up with her making daft excuses to leave early and that I thought she lacked self awareness. I mentioned the irony of not coming to our christening (after numbers were finalised) yet asking me to make a decision about her wedding (for the purposes of final numbers).

I said I thought that going shopping for a hire suit was a rubbish excuse when the shops are open until 6pm. Wy couldn't she come for an hour or two?

So now I feel better that it's off my chest at last. I didn't want to confront her but she was really pushing me to the limit. Other people got it off their chests by declining the wedding invitation with no exaplanation.

I keep thinking "it's not her fault - she's obviously been told they are not going to the christening, they are going for the suits" but I wish she'd grow some bloody balls and stop treating her friends like this.

Have I done a bad thing?

She hasn't replied yet.

Meh.

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junglist1 · 17/09/2009 00:08

It sounds like somebody needed to tell her. All that fawning and doing whatever your partner wants makes me a bit nauseous TBH. And if she was a good friend she wouldn't keep letting you down. She needs to get some backbone and a personality of her own