Texting his ex wife while lying in bed with me - would you be annoyed?

[Martha1]

His ex texted him some abusive text about how its his fault that her friends no longer speak to her or something - he responded calmly explaining that it wasn't the case. I understand him sticking up for himself but when she texts at 1am - replying means she thinks its ok to disturb us at that time!!

THEN this is what annoyed me - she texted him, "ok sleep well dude" and instead of seeing that as the end of the convo and putting his phone down he replied telling her to sleep well. She's treated him like crap, left him heavily in debt cos he gave her the cash to pay the bills and she pocketed it ... and there he is wishing her a restful night's sleep at 1am while in bed with me??? I told him it upset me and he just said that if he didn't reply she'd kick off and give him hell! Do u think this is the only reason he replied? Is he likely to still have feelings for her? I've never known anybody text their EX nite nite or the equivalent!!!

Am I over-reacting?

[SqueezyCheese]

Probably the best thing he can do is not respond at all regardless of whether he is on bed or not. If he responds to her abuse, it is just feeding the situation.

Does he have children with her?

[OldLadyKnowsNothing]

Maybe he could switch his phone off when he goes to bed?

[colditz]

You are over-reacting, yes.

[Martha1]

Yes they have children together - I have no problem with texts about the children; but the late night texts because she's depressed, upset etc. are out of order and he doesn't understand why it would bother me!!

[LaurieFairyCake]

It would be great if the phone was off.

However isn't he great for being able to be so calm and nice to her ??? - That's worth a lot in my book.

You should be focusing on the good stuff.

[AnyFucker]

turn the phone off at night

why are people so attached to their fucking mobiles 24/7

jesus, what did we do before they were invented ?

< rant over >

YANBU

TBH, I would be looking into this situation a leetle bit deeper. That doesn't sound like a healthy ex/ex situation to me...

[TwoPersephone]

Introduce the 3 hour rule. No replies for three hours, whatever the text is about (if its urgent about the children it should be by phone anyway). Gives him time to consider his reply. Shows you that you are first etc.

It looks to me as if their relationship isnt finished, loose ends to tie up, questions to answer etc. Perhaps he is keeping the peace, but maybe he still feels confused. If he was willing he could always reply to texts of the kind you describe by saying 'its irrelevant as we are no longer in a relationship'. If he isnt keen on this idea, and perhaps even if he is, I would do as AF suggests and investigate.

[overmydeadbody]

TwoPersphone She's not his mother, she can't go introducing any rules for when he can and can't use his phone. I don't agree with that at all.

At the end of the day Martha all you can do is communicate with your boyfriend that it makes you unhappy and insecure. Then it is up to him how he behaves knowing this, and whether to take your feelings into account when texting his ex.

Whatever he decides to do should speak volumes about your relationship, and his relationship with his ex wife.

How long have they been apart and how long have you been together?

[iliketurquoise]

i would be annoyed.
she has to get help from somewhere else.
the contact should be only about childen.
especially txting at 1am while in bed with you is very soft reaction.

[2rebecca]

Why does anyone not on call have their mobile in their bedroom at night? Mine is usually turned off, but is downstairs unless I'm expecting a late text (usually if apart from husband).
Tell husband to turn his phone off when he comes to bed or leave it downstairs on silent.

[2rebecca]

I think you can inroduce rules in a relationship. Certain things are non-negotiable. If my husband had taken his mobile to bed and replied to texts from his ex in the middle of the night when we got together the relationship would soon have been over. I can't make him stop doing what he wants with his phone, but I can make him see he'll lose me if he behaves in certain ways.
That's just having some self respect.

[mamas12]

well said rebecca

[catsmother]

I agree with AnyFucker and 2Rebecca.

Regardless of how good it is for exes to be civil etc etc., it's bloody rude and inconsiderate to be texting and/or calling anyone at 1am in the morning unless it's a genuine emergency.

The only people I can think of who do call each other at that kind of time for trivial stuff are lovey-dovey couples, or friends who've just been on a night out who are therefore still up.

The point is this EX kicked off proceedings with an abusive text and he should have ignored it for that fact alone, let alone it was sent at a time when Mr & Mrs Martha could have been asleep. If my partner was exchanging pleasantries with his ex after she'd been rude and thoughtless, I'd be furious .... more so if his justification was that otherwise she'd "kick off". So .... basically he's rewarding her bad behaviour ..... and personally, that'd make me feel like crap if my partner felt he had to kow-tow to his ex like that as it implies an importance in his life she shouldn't have. Communication with an abusive ex should be kept strictly businesslike IMO and only about the kids, not him being her shoulder to cry on, or her whipping boy etc when she's feeling down.

[Martha1]

Wow lots of responses - thanks for your advice

I had a little chat with him yesterday and he agrees that contact should just be about their children; then once again she started texting again about her mood swings or something(this time at a more reasonable hour) and he replied straight away without giving it a thought.

They only got divorced in May so I guess its still early days and he seems to feel the need to look after her almost!! The thought of having her in my life forever is doing my head in!!!

[JeremyVile]

I dont think 1am is an appropriate time to be having a text conversation but if they're both awake... dunno, couldn't get annoyed about this particularly.
Wrt you being upset that he texts/ talks to his ex, I think you need to accept that you are the one with the issue here.
Maintaining a decent working relationship after a split (with children) is a good thing.
Some exes even consider each other to be v good friends
Why is acrimony better? It certainly isn't better for the children to know that their parents cant stand each other, yet it seems to me that exes who get on are viewed with suspicion and not just by new partners but others too. Its sad.

[catsmother]

She's obviously still using him as her emotional crutch, just as she would have done when they were together. For her own sake, apart from his and yours, he really needs to set some boundaries here about what is now appropriate. Asking an ex for emotional support is really unhealthy - as they are hardly likely (even with the best will in the world) to be able to give properly objective advice or support, due to their previous involvement (which went wrong remember !)

I know you say it's only May but am assuming they have actually been separated for a lot longer than that. Divorce means change and she needs to be encouraged to look to the future, and to seek support from friends, family or outside agencies like her GP. While he still responds to stuff like this, then obviously she's going to keep doing it. I actually find it disrespectful to you that she should lean on your partner like this - regardless of the fact they were once married, that is now past.

[Martha1]

Jeremy I don't want acrimony but I think having boundaries is important. If they were such great mates they would not have got divorced - friends and family should be the people you turn to for emotional support, not your ex partner.

Catsmother - thank you I find it comforting that I'm not being totally irrational over this and that you can see my point you're right about it being disrespectful for her to lean on my partner - thats exactly how I feel!

[2rebecca]

It usually takes months if not years of wrangling for a divorce to be finalised so to me a divoced couple are nothing like the same as a recently separated couple. She still sounds very emotionally dependent on him and he sounds as though he enjoys being her shoulder to cry on. They haven't properly separated. Why did they get divorced?
What is the longest she has gone between texts?

[whoisasking]

Yes, 2rebecca. I would like to know how long they've been seperated.

[sheepgomeep]

I take my mob to bed with me because a. I don't have a landline and b it's my only emergency point of contact when my family are out the house (children at contact with my ex or staying with my mum) My mum also lives on her own she only has me as her family, so naturally she would call me if anything should happen.

I also think it is rude for anyone to text or call anyone in the middle of the night unless it is an emergency,

[Martha1]

When I say they got divorced in May 2009 - thats when she moved out; they actually split up about 4 months before (approx just after xmas) the decree nisi only came through last week so it is very early days. But I feel like he needs to set boundaries now before it becomes habit to run to him all the time!

The longest she's gone between texts is no more than a few hours

I met him a few days after his ex moved out so we have been together since May.

[Martha1]

Sheepgomeep I also find it rude to text in the middle of the night (regardless of who it is) - like you said unless its an emergency it is rude.

[2rebecca]

Why did they divorce, and in what way had they separated if they continued to live together for 4 months after they separated? It also seems strange that she moved out if she has the kids.
If the longest they go between texts is a few hours this guy isn't ready for a new relationship and you should find one who is. It sounds as though you got together with him way to early if his ex had only just left the marital home.
I would find your own place and give him some space to sort his head out for a few months.

[lucykate]

can i just bring in something from the flip side of this. speaking as a child with divorced parents, i would dearly love to have my parents on speaking terms. they can't even be in the same room with each other. if he's trying to forge a good relationship with his ex for the sake of their children, then that's great, admirable even. tell him that, but also explain that perhaps late night texts could be sending out the wrong signals, to both her and to you.