AM I DOING THE RIGHT THING.........................????

[prettyfly1]

As a fairly regular poster some of you will know my story anyway but for these purposes - when exceptionally drunk last year i saw my (married) ex, who took me home ( he was sober) and i woke up with him next day. I now have a beautiful son - whom he threatened and has refused to acknowledge. Have been approached by csa repeatedly and they are not nice. I am also under pressure from relatives friends etc to name him. I am struggling and in danger have having benefits slashed but this man has a child already and i cant bear the thought of that little boy losing a father he DOES know. I cant stand his wife but she isnt evil and does not deserve this. I want to name him but still feel so responsible for their welfare that i dont really know how to look after mine. HELP.

[shimmy21]

what is the best for your ds???????????

[nutcracker]

I would name him, it was up to him to think of his wife and child at the time.

[Caligula]

Is he on your DS's birth certificate?

[Gobbledigook]

I'd name him too - I know you don't want to hurt his wife and other child but he has to take responsibility for his actions and why should your ds suffer?

I'd always put my own children before anyone else and imo, you should too.

xx

[gossifer]

you are a kind & caring woman, i wish there were more people in the world like you! but......you must think of your ds's welfare, surely you will tell him once he's older anyway? so is it not a question of sooner rather than later?

[hercules]

I would say name him. YOu are not responsible for his family.

[Caligula]

When you say he threatened your DS, can you elaborate?

[mytwopenceworth]

if i feared for my safety or that of my child then i would tell the csa it was a drunken one night stand with a guy named john and i cant remember his surname. but i would only do that if i was convinced that my child or myself would be in danger from him if found out he had been named. in all other circumstances i would name him to the csa to ensure he contributes to his child. if i didnt want my family to know i would just tell them to mind their own business and that i was not going to enter into any more conversations about it.

[Caligula]

I think the problem with naming him to the csa is that it's no guarantee that he'll contribute to his child. The csa are competely and totally crap at getting maintenance from absent parents.

I agree that if I thought it would damage my family to have him involved, I'd tell the CSA it was a drunken one night stand with someone whom I had never met before or since, but who had an accent from a part of the country I did not recognise. They'll leave you alone then. But do you think his presence in your family's life would be damaging?

[HappyMumof2]

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[prettyfly1]

i know but i guess part of me feels like what he has done is so wrong that he shouldnt be allowed to get off scot free. The csa are indeed putting the pressure on at the moment -( funny isnt it how they seem to have no probs with giving mothers any grief) I dont believe he would physically hurt me or ds, I actually think hw is staying away to stop himself being hurt. Its all so confusing. Normally i am someone who will make a decision and thats it but i jsut dont knwo whats right. I cant bear the thought of innocent kids being hurt but at the same time i am sick of all the lying and as we have to see each other all the time ( he was my first love and we are in the same friendship group) i cannot see how this wont come out eventually anyway. I dont want to hide my son away and i dont want to live in fear!!

[prettyfly1]

he was sober - thats what i mean by how bad he was. i hasd refused him for ages so he just took a chance when i could barely walk. my own fault as i led him on. enjoyed having his friendship before then but still!!! He knows the story. Has ignored me for last eight months and pretended to all of our friends that he si as mcuh in the dark as they are about paternity. The one thing i am trying to avoid is being spiteful. I had a miscarriage with him when i was seventeen which is why we eventually split ( he3 really wanted a family natch!!!) and i cant deny that the fact that despite knowing it was probably my only chance he told me to abort wanted to know why i hadnt miscarried yet!! That is what is making knowing what to do so hard - i want to be above petty revenge because although he deserves it again they dont - again so confused!! Sorry for the rant.

[prettyfly1]

p.s thanks gossifer - i dont feel like that a lot of the time but is nice to hear.

[HappyMumof2]

Message withdrawn