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(39 Posts)
milkmonster Tue 15-Sep-09 18:48:56

This is a dilemma and stock replies will be along the lines of, "Grow a pair and tell him NO". But, bear in mind this is the man I've left after 7 years of domestic abuse so I can't press him too much, can't 'stand up for myself', can't argue my point or reason with him, because any of those options will escalate and might involve physical consequences or the police, both of which I've tried to avoid by leaving him.

But I still need a solution to this particular problem today.

He is visiting his baby and toddler and is staying with us. He has driven us to local parks, playbarns, theme parks, etc. and also driven me to Tescos 2 or 3 times for food shopping. He's driven 200 miles to us.

He wants to charge me for his fuel driving here from his home and back, for all the daytrips with the kids and the Tesco food shopping trips.

I wouildntr dream of charging anyone to stay in my home as a guest, but whilst here he is using my electric, heating, hot water and has used up nearly all of my mobile broadband limit for this month. I've also paid for all his food, pints whilst out on day trips, park entry fees and parking, etc, packed lunches and son on.

I realise his being in my home is neglible cost-wise, but because I've paid for everything else, can't that negate the fuel charges, for what were after all, trips for his children to spend quality time with them? He is adding it up to around £90.

I can't refuse outright before you suggest, as he will sit me in front of the PC and do an online bank transfer or if I pretend to forget the password he'll take me to a cashpoint. If I refuse to do those, he will get angry, fuming mad in fact, and I could end up getting very hurt, not to mention the danger to my children.

I can't call the police, as I privately rent in a good neighbourhood and my landlord lives next door, I've already been evicted from 2 previous houses because the landlords witnessed his behaviour, I simply can't go through that again by having police round.

I do have family here, and I can ask them for help, which means asking them to come round whilst I discuss it in front of them, but as soon as they're gone, he'll launch into me. Or they can insist he packs up there and then and leaves, but it will be a grisly scene whilst he takes an hour to do so (he has bought lots of stuff since being here, heavy electrical items that are heavy to carry).

Does anyone have any other ideas of how to get out of paying him without making him angry or causing a scene? I have to be underhanded and careful. Yes, I know I left him to avoid exactly trhis, but I never considered that when he visits his children he's just going to bring all that old life with him.. sad

I know the answer is next time don't let him stay, he can get a hotel, but he won't do that, so it means his children would never see him again.

colditz Tue 15-Sep-09 18:54:16

Call a family member round, and while they are there, have him pack his bags and fuck the fuck off. His children will they will they WILL be better off without this control freak violent scrounging scum sucking dick breathe twatmonger in their lives.

NEVER contact him again, and make family memeber stay over night to ensure he does not come back.

NEVER accept his calls again. NEVER let him in your house again. Get a restraining order against him on the grounds of previously violent behavior and call the police and stay indoors if he is sighted within 200 feet of you or your children.

He sounds like an unstable, violent, manipulative nightmare. WHY would you want your children to continue an attachment to such a complete cunt?

STOP it. You CAN stop it. You SHOULD stop it.

cheerfulvicky Tue 15-Sep-09 18:58:28

I was going to post exactly what colditz has said. Just another vote for all of the above. x

LuluMaman Tue 15-Sep-09 18:58:53

agree with colditz

you must never let him in again

your children deserve better than a violent father who essentially charges their mother to see them and would harm you if you did not pay him

warthog Tue 15-Sep-09 18:59:30

well i think you had to go through this experience to realise he is what he is no matter what the circumstances or where he is. def next time he can't stay. if your dc's don't see him again, just remember that it's HIS behaviour that has caused it, not yours.

can you add up all the bills you've paid (trips, his beer, food, entry fees etc.), show him your list and deduct that from the £90? then give him the remainder?

other option is to just pay him the £90 if you can possibly afford it, for a quiet life and to get him out of the house as quickly as you can.

as you say, he is completely unreasonable and volatile. i certainly wouldn't blame you for not wanting to go down the confrontational routes.

BCNSback Tue 15-Sep-09 19:00:59

agree with colditz.. get a family member round.. and with them their to support you say no.

then write a letter clear polite and to the point and send it to him stating that you will no longer tollorate this behaviour towards you.

Suggest he make other arrangements when he comes next time..
and yes he will have other options if he wants to see his children... very good friend of mine used to drive about the same distance to see his son over weekends.. but would sleep in his car each night as he couldn't afford a travel lodge etc as he was paying for treats and outings with his DS.

everything colditz said


RubysReturn Tue 15-Sep-09 19:03:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CarGirl Tue 15-Sep-09 19:04:59

In all honesty I would get some family members around, and whether you give him the money or not insist he lives now.

Absolutely never let him near your home or dc again.

It sounds as though he consider it his right to live in your home - why has he brought so much stuff if he is just visiting his dc?

If he never sees the dc again that is a blessing. He will abuse and manipulate the dc just like he has with you, they deserve so much better than that.

gettingagrip Tue 15-Sep-09 19:06:08

I don't understand why this man is in your house in the first place. If he has been violent towards you for years and the police have been involved, do you not have some sort of injunction or order against him?

Sorry if I am being a bit thick.

And what colditz said.

Sending you strength and love


warthog Tue 15-Sep-09 19:06:41

can you not get family members round and get them to help get his stuff together so he doesn't take so long?

Anniegetyourgun Tue 15-Sep-09 19:06:46

What everyone else said. It really is the only way.

I understand how you felt it was right to allow him to stay, but he's proved he cannot be allowed to do this as he has NO idea how to behave and NO consideration for anyone else's feelings. Next thing you know he'll effectively have moved in with you again and your landlord will just love him kicking lumps out of his nice respectable walls and doors - not to mention out of you. Again.

A few nice days out at theme parks is no compensation at all for the terror he is bringing back into your life, and your children's lives (do you really think it doesn't matter as long as they don't see what he's doing to you?).

hottiebear Tue 15-Sep-09 19:07:14

What I would suggest is (basically what Colditz said)

A quiet talk with your landlord. Explain the situation and tell him/her that you are worried about phoning the police because you don't want to be evicted. I would be very suprised if your landlord did not support you if you are open and upfront with him/her.

Then phone your local police, advise them of the situation and tell them you may need to call on them later.

Get a member of your family round and get him out (calling the police if necessary).

See your solicitor and get a restraining order.

Good luck, it sounds hellish. But you have got away from him once, you just need to take the final step to cut off contact completely.

Mamazon Tue 15-Sep-09 19:13:09

ask him to nip to the shop or something. when he's out bag his things together and put them outside. lock every door and window and do not let him back in.

if he is that desperate for his cash tell him to take you to petty claims.

If he kicks off call the police

do not ever allow him to stay at your home again. in fact im stunned you took the decision to allow him your address.
if he refuses to see his children from now on then that is his choice.

Your kid really aren't missing out on much of a father if he cannot even be bothered to sort his won accomodation to see them.

mrsboogie Tue 15-Sep-09 20:10:14

Why does he know where you live? shock

He has ZERO rights to his children in these circumstances and they are better off without having some violent thug extorting money WITH MENACE from their mother.

Why don't you have a restraining order against him? There was no point moving 200 miles away if he is going to simply follow you to terrorise you and you give him money for the privilege?

I understand why you are scared and can't stand up to him - it is a violent criminal in your home after all, but I don't understand why you told him where you were going when you moved.

This will never end until you end it.

Mamazon Tue 15-Sep-09 20:14:06

hold on a minute though. no point shouting at OP.

It is hard enough to leave let alone know all the rights and wrongs.

SHe certainly wont be the first woman who is confused as to the best way to try and assist his relationship with his children.

what is more important is assisting her NOW to move on and keep her safe.

skihorse Tue 15-Sep-09 20:56:22

I just wanted to say I sympathise - you're not the first and you won't be the last. Many years ago when I was staying in a Women's Aid shelter - I met up with my violent ex. He asked me for money and I gave him everything I had. I didn't say no - I still somehow felt "indebted" to him. I went without food for the rest of the week and kicked myself.

Whatever you end up doing, just take comfort in the fact that you will get stronger self-esteem wise and it will work out OK.

Next time however - he's in a hotel!

ravenAK Tue 15-Sep-09 21:06:50

If he's there now, give him the money, if you think he'll get violent otherwise - your safety & that of the dc comes first.

If you can get a family member round whilst it's discussed, then insist he leaves immediately whilst you have family back-up - if he kicks off, 999. Family member(s) need to stay until he's gone.

Go & see your solicitor tomorrow, explain what happened & that you need him never to have access to your home again. That might mean an injunction, or him seeing the dc at a contact centre or not at all.

ravenAK Tue 15-Sep-09 21:06:51

If he's there now, give him the money, if you think he'll get violent otherwise - your safety & that of the dc comes first.

If you can get a family member round whilst it's discussed, then insist he leaves immediately whilst you have family back-up - if he kicks off, 999. Family member(s) need to stay until he's gone.

Go & see your solicitor tomorrow, explain what happened & that you need him never to have access to your home again. That might mean an injunction, or him seeing the dc at a contact centre or not at all.

mathanxiety Tue 15-Sep-09 21:09:58

What Colditz said, and Raven. There is no other way to deal with him except to never deal with him. And get a solicitor.
What he's doing is robbing you.

dittany Tue 15-Sep-09 21:18:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker Tue 15-Sep-09 21:26:50


So we need damage limitation.

Give him the 90 quid. Get him out of your house on good terms for now

Then send him a letter with words to the effect that you cannot allow visiation under these circumstances ever again

Contact Women's Aid, they will advise you

They can recommend a solicitor who will make it official

When he is gone, make a complaint about him to the local police, so that they have him in their sights

Then when if he turns up again, shouting the odds, they are obliged to respond and deal with him appropriately

I also second a quiet word with your landlord. He can only react negatively if he was previously unaware of the situation. If he is a decent fella he will cut you a bit of slack if twathead kicks off. He will be more unimpressed if it comes out of the blue

Good luck, he does not deserve to be in your childrens lives

His toxicity will fuck with their heads (but you know that already)

GypsyMoth Tue 15-Sep-09 21:26:51

can you give him a cheque? cancel it when he's gone....then do what everyone else said

word of caution though,and this is from a horrible previous experience. please,please,please ensure he hasn't got a spare set of keys,or copied any of yours,as he'll be pretty angry when dealing with a bounced cheque!!

let him take you to court for access if he's serious about a relationship with his kids.

bookien Tue 15-Sep-09 22:12:19

my heart says follow colditz because it sounds so awful what this man is doing to, but my head asks this:

Is it possible that he is purposely trying to provoke you, because he is resentful that you are now independent and not in his grasp? By demanding something ridiculous, maybe he is somehow hoping you will refuse, so he can blow up and reestablish the pattern of him controlling you through physical abuse? If that's true, maybe paying him off is actually the more empowering thing to do in this case (i.e. don't take the bait). I could be wrong, but it's worth considering.

If you do pay him off though, I still think you should do everything else suggested above - cut yourself off from him completely and get this man out of your life for good. Best of luck.

lilacclaire Wed 16-Sep-09 00:41:26

Get him out by whatever means necessary, get your family round and NEVER EVER let this man near your home again.
If he wants to see the children let him go to court and get something formal in place, preferably in a supervised environment.

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