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DH doesn't fancy me anymore

(37 Posts)
thisisnotmyrealnamehonest Tue 15-Sep-09 17:42:53

Cutting a long story short, dh has said he doesn't fancy me anymore. It's mainly about the fact that in his opinion in every relationship the attraction wanes but our lustiness allegedly started from a low base and so he, it seems is left with not enough to want to have sex with me sad.

He also did mention that my body wasn't quite in as good a shape as it could be - we had a debate about this as I said he isn't perfect either in response to this but he says he's lost weight and other things aren't things he can change. He seems to have an issue with me "not making the most of myself".

Which is ridiculous to me as I'm no slummy mummy - I get my hair done regularly, I am slim ish (Ok so I have wobbly thighs but I'm a size 10 fgs), wear decentish clothes (ok jeans a lot but I'm a mum, I'm not going to wear floaty frigging dresses all day)
I'm obviously not up to his standards sad. hmm
It shrieks of midlife crisis.

Help. What can I do??

He does seem to care in that he wishes it wasn't like this and is willing to go to counselling. He talked about some treatment like hypnotherapy but heck I don't want to have my husband only sleep with me because he's been hypnotised to fancy me again!!

so beyond counselling, what can we do? And how would others feel about this? I feel humiliated and angry sometimes, other times sad.

Has anyone had similar and sorted it out?

wilbur Tue 15-Sep-09 17:54:43

I don't have specific experience of this, but I wanted to say, don't dismiss hypnotherapy - if your dh is willing to go and talk to someone like this, it could be very helpful in getting him to see if this is a mid-life crisis or find out what is behind his lack of desire. I have done hypnotherapy for other reasons and foun it amazing - I find it hard to relax usually, and very difficult to talk to people so conventional therapy was tought for me, but hypno was a real breakthrough. I think it's v positive that he wishes it were not like this, and a good foundation for making some changes. Good luck.

abedelia Tue 15-Sep-09 17:55:59

He could change the fact that he is an insensitive arse who doesn't know how good he has it with a (slim and in good nick) wife who puts up with his insane crap

Next time it comes up, tell him you don't fancy him because he has an awful personality.

thisisnotmyrealnamehonest Tue 15-Sep-09 18:02:28

I did omit to mention that I'm only about 5ft1 so being a size 10 isn't quite so great.

thisisnotmyrealnamehonest Tue 15-Sep-09 18:14:00

Any more ideas/ thoughts/ opinions really welcome.

WhenwillIfeelnormal Tue 15-Sep-09 18:19:02

Poor you. But this is a tricky one - and let's remember that there are lots of women on here admitting that they don't fancy their partner any longer and for the most part, respondents to these posts are urging that they talk to their partners.

I'm afraid my first thought on reading this was - is he having, or thinking of having an affair? Many men involved with other women go through this really odious phase of finding fault with their partner, somehow in the process finding "justification" for their behaviour. Any chance of that? - it might need you to do a bit of snooping. Listen out for clues too - a new female friend for example - it could be he's developed a crush on someone and at the moment, can't imagine her at home with greasy hair, greying knickers and ancient trackie bottoms.....

If that is ruled out, is his recollection of when you first met the same as yours? Have you always thought you fancied him more? Again, many men in a crisis will re-write history.

For what it's worth, I do think appearance matters far more than we'd like to admit and it could be that like many men, your H is turned on by visual stimulation. I think that both partners in a relationship owe it to each other to take care of their appearance; it's a sign of respect for eachother and also self-respect too. Please don't interpret that as me saying you should change your appearance - as you say, you already take care and it sounds as though you (like me) suspect this is a red herring. Just wanted to cover all bases and in the interests of fairness, not jump to the usual conclusions (an affair).

It's hard to tell someone you don't fancy them any more - there's no way to put it nicely. On the optimistic side, perhaps his honesty will be the wake-up call you both need to address what are probably underlying issues, but my gut is telling me there is more to this than you are being told.

pushmepullyou Tue 15-Sep-09 18:23:19

It does sound rather mid life crisisy to me. if you are a size 10 you are hardly fat, whatever height you are. Perhaps he is finding it difficult seeing himself as older and less attractive (and indeed carefree) than he used to be, god knows, don't we all, and is projecting that on to you.

I would be tempted to give the counselling a try, a good counsellor should be able to help get to the bottom of what the real issue is without it all becoming too destructive or hurtful

Just a thought, and I could be miles off, but do you think there is any chance that he is having erectile problems and looking for something to blame them on?

thisisnotmyrealnamehonest Tue 15-Sep-09 18:35:04

Yes possibly Pushme - he did have some trouble in that area but we put it down to lack of interest in sex generally as he's never been a highly sexed person iyswim.

And yes maybe there is someone he's lusting after reading between the lines as I clearly don't cut the mustard anymore. Or maybe it's just a general looking around at other women thing and seeing lots who are all toned and have perfect bodies.

He does say that the non-sexual side of things are good for him in our relationship.

Fantastic post whenwill - very fair - it's easy for us girls to jump on him and say how mean of him but the way this was communicated to me wasn't as bad as it could sound from my OP. The fact is that he's in a no win situation really and is simply being honest. It sucks for me though. My husband doesn't fancy me written out in black and white is pretty horrid no matter how it's said.

Oh this is so tiring just trying to sort it out. sad It's also very difficult as I don't want to end up splitting up and messing ds up, but then I don't want to live in a marriage where my dh doesn't find me attractive as that will eat away at me for sure. And leave me really messed up I think.

thisisnotmyrealnamehonest Tue 15-Sep-09 18:36:04

pushme - I think he actually reckons he's more attractive than he used to be as he's lost a bit of weight. He'll be buying a leather jacket and hitting the nightclubs in a Ferrari next. Sigh.

BCNSback Tue 15-Sep-09 18:42:57

you know what I would do.. assuming his comments have made you feel a bit yukky about yourself.. I wouldgo to a spa, change hairstyle, get some new make up, undies and clothes. and I would do it all just for me.. not for him.
I would then find things to do socially or educationally or just fun things.. maybe try out a few new activities that may turn into hobbies maybe.
and basically stop worry about what he thinks tbh.. just look after your emotional self.

you never know he may see a whole new side of you.. or maybe not.. but you'll be being the one who is making yourself happy
( happy also=attractive wink)

WhenwillIfeelnormal Tue 15-Sep-09 18:49:05

This is....so glad you read my post the way it was intended. You've now flagged up a few more warning signs though. Is there any way you could find out if there is someone else? I'm afraid the phone is usually the best clue.

What I would hate is for you to think this is about you, when it's really about him. My approach would therefore be rule out other reasons before accepting the ones he's giving you.

And just to reassure you, you can fancy someone again, so all is not lost. Sometimes it's visual, sometimes it's viewing your partner in a different way and sometimes it's after you realise you're connecting properly again and achieving real honesty with one another. Sometimes it's all of these things.

What I also know is there is nothing like another woman or man on the scene to cause people to believe that the person they have always considered sexy and beautiful has suddenly grown two horns and is an irritant. It's a truly horrible side effect of affairs and crushes.

8oreighty Tue 15-Sep-09 19:31:51

rather than affair, maybe he's more interested in men? could that even be a possiblity?

thisisnotmyrealnamehonest Tue 15-Sep-09 19:41:53

A very valid question. We've talked about that in a sort of jokey way and I wouldn't be 100% surprised but don't think it's that. Mind you he certainly had the sort of upbringing where he could easily have not been able to go down that route. I assume it's not that though.

Sigh. Am going to sit him down later and really ask him straight if there's someone else he has been interested in even if nothing has happened. To his credit (and our relationship's) he does seem to be being very honest about everything.

So...if the counselling doesn't fix this, would you stay together for the "sake of the children" and put up with it or split up?

DH and I tentatively talked about this and he is of the stay together camp but I think that it could become really bitter and destructive (well I would - he would be ok) and also there's way too high a risk of one of us having an affair.

So I'd rather split up amicably than end up hating each other and splitting up when ds is older anyway.

Getting ahead of myself a bit as dh and I are wonderful in some ways (in a meeting of minds way) and it would be very sad if it came to that. We are a bit too much like brother and sister though...

CarGirl Tue 15-Sep-09 19:48:07

does he use porn much?

8oreighty Tue 15-Sep-09 19:51:29

obviously nothing wrong with you...inyour position I would feel so hurt. don't put up with too much being put down. He needs to sort it out.

thisisnotmyrealnamehonest Tue 15-Sep-09 20:04:14

No porn as far as I know. Can't imagine him being into that really as it's all a bit too obvious for him - he's never gone in for that sort of bras and suspenders type thing.

He isn't making comments on a regular basis about my appearance - it was in the context of me asking why he has no interest in sex with me etc. that the comments were made. I'm not making excuses for him but trying to be fair to him and his side of the story. I do however think it's a bit odd and unfair in that I'm not fat/ do make an effort and think he is being unfair wanting some perfect dollybird by the sounds of it.

CarGirl Tue 15-Sep-09 20:10:09

Is part of it though that emotionally you've become too distant and he's blaming looks rather than potentially distancing?

Malificence Tue 15-Sep-09 20:19:10

I think you can safely assume this isn't about you, it's about him.
I too wonder if he's being entirely honest with you and if this isn't just a convenient excuse to cover up other issues, whatever they may be.
I was a size 10 when I married and have been a large size 20, I'm a 16-18 now and my husband has never not fancied me, if he loves you it shouldn't even be an issue - did he find you sexy when you were pregnant?

pushmepullyou Tue 15-Sep-09 20:35:52

My DH and I can be a bit too brother and sister like as well, we talked about it a lot last year. We are fantastic together as people but as we work together as well we can easily find that we slip in to not having sex to the point we both feel awkward and embarassed about it.

There is no way we would want to split up, but that equally there is no way either of us wants to go through life without sex, so we started to make a concerted effort to treat each other a bit more romantically and to have sex even if neither of us was initially feeling up for it.

It was a bit odd to start with, but we are definitely both feeling a lot keener and enjoying the sexual side of our relationship a lot more now.

Do you think your DH would go for that sort of approach? We started off just talking about what attracted us when we met and took things from there.

thisisnotmyrealnamehonest Wed 16-Sep-09 12:30:25

Booked in with relate.

WhenwillIfeelnormal Wed 16-Sep-09 12:59:59

Did you ask him about whether he liked someone else? Glad to hear about Relate.

thisisnotmyrealnamehonest Wed 16-Sep-09 13:56:33

I did and he said no.
I doubt he'd tell me that though even though he has been very honest.

abedelia Wed 16-Sep-09 14:23:52

Do the snooping then - better than wasting £50 a session blethering on about this and that when the real problem isn't being addressed, nor will be.

Check the phone, check for hidden phones (eg in the car), check the computer history, check his conversations for 'mentionitis' - if a woman is on his mind constantly then a lot of the time people can't resist dropping their name into conversation.

I know this all sounds awful because you will wish you didn't have to go there and be so mistrustful, but it is better to find out the truth and nip it in the bud - something is clearly up and it's better to eliminate possibilities.

wheniwishuponastar Wed 16-Sep-09 14:37:29

although its deeply insulting for him to say this, if he hasn't had an affair, then at least he is giving you some advance warning(??)

if you still care about him (albeit hurt) then i personally would make effort to make myself more attractive, use it as an excuse to buy myself new clothes, shoes. it can be easy to get into a rut and feel comfortable.

i would much rather just slob around in pyjamas all day but unfortunately i have to dress up in nice clothes for work - and for friends and partner.

i am not in any way saying that you are slobbing about (you've said you aren't). but what i mean is, what you want to wear and what is going to work for others are sometimes two different things.

i do change into my pjs the moment i get home though!!!

i sometimes make an effort to wear nice pjs for my dp if im feeling like it.

maybe invest in some nice new stuff, that is still semi comfortable, but at least new so it looks a bit more glam? have some fresh stuff.

its annoying to be told this but at least he's being honest, even if its not v nice.

can you say - well give me some money and i'll buy some nice stuff, pay for yoga classes, or whatever.

SolidGoldBrass Wed 16-Sep-09 14:43:14

If he's never been very intersted in sex then he may be gay and hung up about it, or he may simply be a person who isn't very interested in sex.
The thing is, presumably, you are quite interested in sex and would rather not be expected to live without it. How do you think he would react to the suggestion of you letting him off sex but getting it somewhere else?

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