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Cant help but feel a bit cheated

(11 Posts)
asteri Tue 15-Sep-09 14:17:02

My husband and I have always agreed that we would like a family, 3.5 years ago I fell pregnant and due to the living situation at the time (neither of us were in a particularly good/secure job and we didnt have much money and were living in a teeny tiny home and had just moved in together so we didnt think at that time it would be the right environment to have a baby) we made the very difficult decision to terminate the pregnancy. I was heartbroken and am still scarred now by what was a very traumatic event. Shortly after that I became pregnant (again) and had an early miscarriage. At that time my husband said that we shoudl definately wait until we are both in great jobs (which we are now and have been for almost three years) and have more expendable cash (which we do)before having a family. I feel ready now, I have felt ready for a while but he just keeps putting it off, saying we are not quite ready. His best friends daughter was born the day I had my abortion so I always find her birthday quite upsetting and when my brothers girlfriend had a baby last year it broke my heart I know that I cant be happy without a baby, but I love him very much, and he loves me so I know that I cant be happy without him either What can I do? sad

SheWillBeLoved Tue 15-Sep-09 14:30:19

Have you questioned why exactly he still doesn't think you're both ready?

I don't think it's fair of him to keep on moving the goalposts. But at the same time, I don't think that he should have to be talked into having a baby if he isn't ready/just doesn't want one.

I think if I were you I'd lay my cards on the table. Find out why he isn't ready, if he thinks he ever will be ready, explain why you think you're ready, and go from there.

If you're in the position now (which he chose) to have children, and he's still putting it off - you're going to have to accept that he may just never want children. Could you live with that?

asteri Tue 15-Sep-09 14:34:28

I have had the talk with him and it always seems to be money. TBH I dont think we are ever going to be in a position where we are loaded but in the past 3 years we have both got good jobs and both had a substantial payrise. I dont know if it makes any difference but I am 29 and he is 31 and am also worried if I put it off too long.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Tue 15-Sep-09 15:14:36

Have you got debts? Could you live on his salary and SMP? (about 550 a month) If the answers are no and yes (or even yes and yes) then you are ready. Children really aren't that expensive, at least not at first. Nappies, wipes, (possibly) formula, all come in at less than child benefit. Clothes, equipment etc can be requested as presents, bought 2nd hand, or even found on freecycle. Your lifestyle will get cheaper as you go out less and buy less for yourselves. It sounds like you need to do a budget and present it to him, and if he still objects, find out why he really doesn't feel ready.

thisisyesterday Tue 15-Sep-09 15:20:58

you need to talk to him

you need to make him understand how muh you want a baby.
i agree that you can't make him have one if he isn't ready, but i would make a list of all the pros and cons of having a child right now, let him add any he can think of, and then go through it with him

i think men get really scared about stuff like this sometimes and just put it off and want to not think about it. but you must tell him how strongly you feel about this, and reassure him that it will be ok!

SheWillBeLoved Tue 15-Sep-09 15:24:13

Does he know that no amount of money will make having a baby any easier? People manage to have children when they're living on £75pw Jobseekers Allowance. They aren't that expensive. She costs me £15-20 per week max - unless I buy her clothes. Even less if you breastfeed.

Me and DP split up when our daughter was 2 weeks old, she is now 7 weeks. I'm surviving on my statuary maternity pay and keeping my head above water. So I imagine that two people in good, well paid jobs won't have a problem financially. I really don't think that money is the issue here

HappyWoman Tue 15-Sep-09 16:11:30

it is easy to say it is money - but then something else happens - downturn in the ecconomy for example.

There will never be enough money to afford to have children but somehow you seem to manage and all the sacrifices in the material sense is worth it.

Good luck and hope the talk goes well.

WRT the past - you did what you had to do at the time and should not now beat yourself up about it.

he's also scarred by the upset of termination and miscarriage.

he's fearful of the pain of another miscarriage perhaps?

AnyFucker Tue 15-Sep-09 19:56:30

if we all waited until we "had enough money", the human race would become extinct

FabBakerGirlIsBack Tue 15-Sep-09 19:58:16

I don't think he wants to have a baby, sorry.

AnAuntieNotAMum Tue 15-Sep-09 20:10:56

A vague, we can't afford it, doesn't seem concrete enough. Can you get him to actually show you a budget with his assumptions as to why you wouldn't be able to afford a child? Then you'll have a better footing to discuss if this is really the reason or if he just doesn't want to have a child at all or now.

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