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My Mother is doing my head in.

(15 Posts)
notaslut Mon 14-Sep-09 14:31:40

Any advice on how to deal with her would be helpful....
This is sort of regarding another thread in AIBU - to he annoyed that my mother called me a slut ( cant do links... )
Short version is shes called me a slut as ive been out with one guy and have a couple of other dates lined up.... She got stroppy with me when i wouldnt tell her what i was up to - then when i did she called me a slut and is bleating on to everyone that ive gone off the rails.
She had my DD overnight for me last night and i went to a festival with my sister. I wanted to tell her all about it and she does me when shes done stuff... think 45 mins detail about a trip to sainsburys... she didnt want to know so i asked her why she didnt want to hear about it and she just snapped that she is sure she would hear about it later over the coming weeks. Then she had a go at me because i didnt kiss her when i said goodbye that morning. Then she had another go as i had told her that i wasnt giong to discuss my sex life with her...
then she starts saying that she doesnt want to know anything or if she does ask she gets her head snapped off ( i did tell her it was noone of her business when she was asking for details on this man i met... i tried telling her it wasnt that sort of thing and she kept going on and on about meeting him etcc... )
I just feel like i cant win.
Im entitled to a life, im almost 31 and dont need to report everything back to her do i?

i just hung up on her beacuse she was screatching down the phone at me.... i told her i didnt want to listen to it and would call back later...

what can i do?

thesecondcoming Mon 14-Sep-09 14:41:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rubyslippers Mon 14-Sep-09 14:42:38

have a break from each other

notaslut Mon 14-Sep-09 14:46:44

but its not just the date thing... they are all being arranged when dd is with her dad. I would not for a second introduced DD to anyone who i wasnt serious about.

This weekend had been organised for ages and ages, she said she didnt mind having my DD. I have to listen to 25 mins of what she did that day..... and then she doesnt want to hear about what i did.

I dont get it... then she wants to know every tiny detail abour areas of my life which are not up for family discussion - like my sex life.

I ve tried hinting that im not discussing thigs like that with her, ive tried being blunt... both end up with her sreaming down the phone at me about how im in the wrong.

rubyslippers Mon 14-Sep-09 14:47:43

seriously, have a break from her

your relationship sounds very fraught and brings neither of you any happiness

notaslut Mon 14-Sep-09 14:49:35

ah - its not fraught when i go along with what she says...
its only fraught as im beigining to get my life back after a messy divorce and i dont think she likes it.
I think she half expected me to become an old spinster and sit at home in my dressing gown waiting for her to pop by or to got to the shops with her.

rubyslippers Mon 14-Sep-09 14:51:09

well at 31 you don't need to live your life according to how your mum wants

the level of intrusion into your personal life is eurgh ...

notaslut Mon 14-Sep-09 14:58:07

I know.. its too much.
Im a very open person, im not hiding anything.
I only told her about this man as she kept phoning and phoning and pestering to get me to do somthing ... she wasnt happy to wait and kept phoning me back 20 mins after the last time. In the end i got sick of it and told her i was busy and had someone at my house.
Since then she has been a nightmare.... everytime ive said im busy she has got the hump - she is complaining to my sister that she feels tossed aside like an old boot... ive ont seen the man twice this week....
Ive told her its not up for discussion... then she continues to ask and then gets huffy when i say im not telling her.

Then she acts like she doesnt want to know anything as apparenty im pushing her out.

Bloody bloody stupid.

I dont know how to get through to her. I need to get it sorted... i am getting my life back and will not be discussing everything with her weather she likes it or not......

how do i get her to understand this?

thesecondcoming Mon 14-Sep-09 15:02:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

2rebecca Mon 14-Sep-09 15:56:51

You sound overenmeshed with your mum for a woman of 31. There's being open and there's telling your mum every detail of your personal business. Stop telling her your personal business and she'll stop commenting on it.
Cut back and shorten the phone calls and find some folk you like of your own age for the long chats.
Be clear with your mum that you are an adult and entitled to a private life. If she puts the phone down and doesn't like it then tough, wait until she rings again. All these tantrums you are both having sound very childish.

notaslut Mon 14-Sep-09 16:10:36

rebecca - i do see your point, i dont think its fair to call me ovenenmeshed with my mother not call it a childish tantrum when she gets cross at me when i tell her to back off.
We didnt speak for a lot of years and this is the first time in my adult life that i have ever lived near her.
Shes just being totally smothering to me...... and i cant seem to get her to understand i want her to back off.
I still want a nice relationship with her etc... but i just dont like to constant pressure to tell her everything or the strop the follows when i dont.

2rebecca Mon 14-Sep-09 16:20:02

She may not be capable of a nice relationship though. Some people aren't and are either wanting to phone and be phoned constantly or not speaking to people for months on end.
At the moment you do sound as though you are speaking to her an awful lot and telling her details of your relationships. If you aren't happy doing this then it's up to you to stop. You can't stop her having huffs and calling you names though. You can only stop reacting when she does so.
I think having a tantrum when someone tells you to back off and calling them names like slut is childish. If you think it's grown up acceptable behaviour then that's maybe part of the problem.
If my mother had ever said anything like that to me then I wouldn't be speaking to her until I got an apology. Some people seem to accept a lower standard of behaviour from their relatives than from others though.

notaslut Mon 14-Sep-09 16:30:20

no - i most certainly do not think that is acceptable behavior.
I have told her so, she just tells me its my fault and that its the truth.

I did not plan to tell her anything about any relationship ( that i am not having, im just having some fun ) I only told her after she harrassed me on the phone for about an hour and the poor man was still here and it was all getting embarassing. She wouldnt leave me alone.
I had told her during several of the phone calls that i was busy and would do what she wanted later and get back to her, she kept asking why, what was i doing, why couldnt i do it now. She has since said she was excitied... but i think its more along the line of she couldnt think that anything i was doing could possibly be more important that what she wanted me do to.
So, later that day, i though, i had nothing to be ashamed off, nothing to hide and would tell her why i was busy and that if i say i cant do something in the future it is beacuse im busy and she needs to accept that.
Since then its all gone to hell.
She wont accept that, and says that she no longer wants to know anything... although this is all said in a huff at me.

ALso, it is quite normal for her to phone me several times a day ( and we both work) and this last week she is apparetnly annoyed as i have called her less.

You are talking sense rebecca.. but its just not as easy as it sounds.

2rebecca Mon 14-Sep-09 17:09:30

I can imagine it is difficult. Thankfully my relatives are all pleasant. I don't really do long phone conversations though and have never been inclined to discuss my private life with my parents. I never expected them to discuss theirs with me!
If they had I would have backed off. I would rather have silence than stroppiness. Your mum sounds bored if she's getting that overinvolved in your life. Encourage her to have something more exciting to do than go shopping. Some of it just sounds like her personality though, the name calling and huffiness.

2rebecca Mon 14-Sep-09 18:19:34

Actually speaking on the phone to your mum for an hour whilst you have your boyfriend round is really rude. It sounds as though you tried to end the conversation but it does sound as though you gave in to your mum and let her end the conversation when she wanted to rather than telling her you'd ring her back later and saying "bye" and putting the phone down then unplugging the phones if she continued to witter. If I went to see a bloke and he spent an hour on the phone to his mum and she didn't either live in an isolated area of Timbuktu or had just had a major bereavement I would be seething and definitely not see that bloke again.

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