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Do actions speak louder than words?

(6 Posts)
mariemarie Mon 14-Sep-09 14:28:30

DH and I have been married for 15 years with 3DC. He has never been one for being open with his feelings. His family are not very affectionate and this obviously stems from there.

In the early days, whenever I would tell him that I loved him, he would just say me too. I was happy with that.

Years down the line, and the "me too" has disappeared and he cannot say anything now. It sounds harsh, but he is actually quite cold. He never shows me any affection at all, and I am now starting to question as to whether or not he loves me.

He is a great dad and I cant actually fault him on anything as a husband other than that. But, its quite lonely to live with no affection at all (other than sex). Ive asked him about this and he just gets all shirty and wont talk about it.

He does manage to show affection to the DC and has no problem saying I love you to them.

A typical example of how he is, is that last week I was poorly and he told me to go to bed and he would see to the DC. I know thats great, but not once did he ask how I was or give me a cuddle. The next day I mentioned that it would have been nice and he said that he thought he was being nice by leaving me alone.

Sometimes, I wonder if the way he has been brought up (his parents never told him they loved him) is the reason why he finds it hard to show love, or, does he love me in his own way.

When I try to speak to him about it he says that I have been reading too many magazines.

Ruthie22 Mon 14-Sep-09 18:56:40

You sound exactly like a friend of mine.
Unfortunately I don't have any words of wisdom for you as she is resigned to him being like this having tried various ways of changing him, none of which have worked. I do have sympathy though, as I know how much this affects her, especially if she is feeling low.
Am sure someone with a more helpful post will be along soon! x

HappyWoman Tue 15-Sep-09 11:40:07

he can show affection to the dc though so i would not have thought it was to do with his up-bringing.

You really do need to sit down and talk to him and tell him how you feel.

He doesnt have to be all soppy to love you - i can be a bit cold but my h is all gushy and so i do tell him lots as i know that is what he needs.

I find it a bit odd that he seems to get shirty with you if you mention it though.

anyway good luck - but in answer to your question i do think actions speak louder than words but you are obviously in need of more affection.

Overmydeadbody Tue 15-Sep-09 11:43:01

Sounds like you aren't getting actions that indicate that he loves you ny more than you are getting words though does it?

You need to talk to him.

Love is an action, it is a doing thing isn't it?

Mamazon Tue 15-Sep-09 11:45:18

Im very much like your DP. i have to go collect DD but i just wanted to say that it doesn't mean he doesn't love you, just that he finds expressing that verbally difficult.

i shall be back once ive got dd

generalunrest Tue 15-Sep-09 12:13:40

My DH is just the same when I'm ill, luckily I'm not ill that often, but every time it happens I tell him that I just want to be cared for sometimes. He says exactly what your DH said, that he doesn't want to disturb me! He does make an effort for a while afterwards, but I have to accept he's just like that. Thankfully, I'm not a tactile person either, and never have been, but just sometimes I need a bit of attention and he's not very good at picking up the not-so-subtle hints I give him!

It could be that as you've said your DH hasn't been brought up like that, and to force him into feeling he must express himself in the way you'd want, would make him as unhappy as you sound at the min IYSWIM. If you think he's a brilliant husband with everything else, IMO I wouldn't look on this as a part of your marriage that isn't working, but just try to accept him for how he is.

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