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Pls help can feel myself buckling and can't get through to WA

(54 Posts)
BlipinaBottle Mon 14-Sep-09 09:35:07

I have been trying to get through to WA for the last hour but their lines are too busy.

I asked my abusive DH to leave the house on Saturday evening which he did - has only been back to pick up his car keys and mobile phone charger. He has not taken any of his belongings so i don't know whether he has officially moved out or not.

Our house is in his name only on the mortgage and i have found out that he didn't pay last month or this month, have spoken to him and he says he doesn't see the point in paying it! I am a SAHM and don't have any money except CB and CTC.

I need someone to tell me that i have done the right thing asking him to leave because after hearing his voice this morning i can feel myself weakening - which is why i wanted to talk to WA.

I know i could consult a solicitor but don't have money for that either. DH has not been contributing to the household bills for months now and everything is getting on top of me. I'm sick of the abuse and the beatings but am terrified of going it alone with the kids. I just feel ill.

Sorry for rambling but it has helped to write this down.

Chocaholic73 Mon 14-Sep-09 09:40:11

Don't know about this sort of thing but didnt want you to go unnoticed. keep trying WA, they are bound to be busy 1st thing on a Monday. Also try CAB. You are a SAHM looking after his DCs I presume. He has to provide a home for them. Dont weaken, an abusive H (Not DH!) is not worth having around. Be strong. Keep trying to get through to WA. I'm sure someone with lots of knowledge will be along soon.

squilly Mon 14-Sep-09 09:41:25

I've got no advice I'm afraid. Just wanted to say I'm so sorry you're going through this and I'm sure someone will come along soon who has some practical advice to offer.

The fact that you had the strength to ask your DH to leave shows that you're reaching breaking point. Usually, at this stage, going back isn't an option. Things must have been really bad to get you where you are now. I think it's natural that you'd have doubts at this point, particularly as an SAHM with so many worry troubles.

I hope someone comes back to you soon.

leothelioness Mon 14-Sep-09 09:41:39

Bumping for you hopefully someone with more knowledge will be around soon to give advice.
Stay strong and keep trying WA.

BlipinaBottle Mon 14-Sep-09 09:44:47

thankyou for your kind messages - they are making my cry!

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Mon 14-Sep-09 09:47:18

You have done the right thing, he has proved that by not paying the mortgage, just think about that and stay strong!!!

WowOoo Mon 14-Sep-09 09:48:56

Wish I knew who you else you could try to call.

He can't keep money away from you indefinately surely as this is going to affect your dc.

Call a solicitor? Could they not recoup the fees from him? That's what I would do (but perhaps not the best person to advise on this)

You'll look back on this one day and wonder what you were so worried about and why you didn't do it sooner. Best of luck

pippel Mon 14-Sep-09 09:55:26

go to the job center and apply for income support as a single parent so at least you have some money coming in and keep trying wa.

IsItMeOr Mon 14-Sep-09 09:57:40

You have definitely done the right thing - as Fanjo says, what kind of husband and father would stop paying the mortgage and only mention it to you now?

Keep trying WA - places are always busy on Monday morning's so maybe try after lunch. CAB should also be able to help - if they can't they will know who can. They should definitely be able to tell you how to go about getting benefits you're entitled to, and getting Child Support Agency involved.

Stay strong and stick with it. You have done such a brave thing in making him leave.

I don't have any personal experience to help with, but I think you know that you want him to have officially moved out in your heart of hearts. CAB will be able to advise you on whether it is okay to get the locks changed so that he doesn't turn back up unexpectedly - that would be my first thought. Second would be packing his stuff into suitcase/bin bags and arranging for a neutral third party to come and collect them and take them to him. You need to keep you and your little ones safe.

Niecie Mon 14-Sep-09 10:01:15

So sorry you are having to deal with this.sad

You have definitely done the right thing for you and your children. Just remember how he has treated you and remember you don't deserve any of it.

You say the mortgage is in your DH's name but is the house in his name as well?

If he isn't paying the bills do you know where all his money is going?

I would be worried that you are going to be made homeless if he continues not to pay the mortgage but I am no expert. There may be protection if a man refuses to pay the mortgage leaving his wife vulnerable to eviction. I would definitely make it your priority today to speak to the CAB and also WA.

Do you have any family or friends to help you out? Maybe sit with you if you are worried about your H coming back?

BlipinaBottle Mon 14-Sep-09 10:01:19

pippel i have CTC each week so am not totally brassic, have enough to feed the kids and pay electric and council tax but deffo not the mortgage or insurance etc. Until i know he has deffinately gone i don't think i could claim benefit. I also think it would have to be JSA because my DDs are 11 now so i would be asked to look for work i guess. Right now i don't feel mentally strong enough to deal with Jobcentre, Job interviews and form filling sad

GypsyMoth Mon 14-Sep-09 10:01:54

would you consider cutting your losses with the house and moving into a WA hostel?
they are fine. and can offer alot of help,could be a new start for you {i did it with 4 dc in tow}

you'll get re-housed eventually,you'll be priority. WA will help with the benefit forms,you'll also be entitled to legal aid.

a new start?

IsItMeOr Mon 14-Sep-09 10:08:14

But Blip, your last post "Until I know he has deffinately gone..." makes me wonder how you will know when that is? You know that's a decision that you need to make, not him, don't you?

BlipinaBottle Mon 14-Sep-09 10:10:05

I don't want to go to a hostel - i don't think i am in imminent danger from H so wouldn't want to take a place from someone more in need. I also want DDs to have minimal disruption to their lives and think it important that they have their familiar home/belongings around them. The house is in his name only but i'm pretty sure that i do have a legal right to be here, however the mortgage company may see it differently!

Still no joy getting through to WA - our local CAB doesn't open until 1.30 today so will try to phone them later.

IsItMeOr Mon 14-Sep-09 10:22:15

My understanding is that, if you're married, then it doesn't matter whose name things are in. I also think that you are right to stay in the house, but only if you can make it safe for you and DDs.

Wishing you lots of strength.

BlipinaBottle Mon 14-Sep-09 10:40:01

I have just dug out the paperwork from when we bought the house. It is in H's name only however i was not asked to sign a deed of consent (thus signing away any rights to the property) so i think i am ok to stay here for the time being. Feeling a little bit calmer now because i've done something pro-active at last.

racmac Mon 14-Sep-09 11:19:57

You need to go see a Solicitor - get some proper legal advice on the house you should get legal aid in place

Are you married?
If yes
You must register a matrimonial homes notice against the matrimonial home NOW - this will prevent him from trying to sell the house from under you. You can do this yourself - fill in form HR1 from Land Registry and post if of quickly.

Niecie Mon 14-Sep-09 11:21:57

Glad you a feeling a little better.

My only concern, which I probably didn't phrase very well, is whether there is a legal obligation on the mortgage company not to repossess the house and make you homeless if your H doesn't pay the mortgage. I think this is something separate from your right to stay in the house, even though you don't own it. I suppose it isn't an imminent problem though.

I do think that changing the locks would be good advice. It might make you feel a little less vulnerable.

InspiredButTired Mon 14-Sep-09 11:23:33

If you haven't got through to WA yet and you need support call the Samaritans (not just there for suicidal people) You will get through to WA eventually.

Call around local solicitors, most operate a free 30 minute consultation, have a list ready of questions you want to ask.

As previous poster has said, where has the money gone if not on the mortage?

Contact the Jobcentre re Income Support, forms can be filled over the phone and they will tell you what you are entitled to benefit wise.

BlipinaBottle Mon 14-Sep-09 12:20:03

Can i thank everyone for their kind responses. I managed to speak to a lady from WA , she gave me the number of our local branch of WA , who in turn has given me a number of a local solicitor who specialises in Family Law.

H is supposed to be coming over later this afternoon to talk about what happens next.

I will hold off calling a solicitor until i have heard what H has to say regarding if he is moving out permanently/going to pay mortgage and then take it from there.

This is all very draining, it seems so much easier not to upset the apple cart IUSWIM. I just wish H wouldn't behave like he does sad

IsItMeOr Mon 14-Sep-09 12:34:09

Well done Blip - getting the solicitor to come round today sounds brilliant.

You are very close to all of this, but you need to remember that H is not going to change. In fact he has quite possibly engineered this situatiom to prompt you to think how things were before (with the beatings sad) were better. They aren't. And if you can't do it for yourself, do it for your DDs, as you don't want them growing up thinking it is okay for men to treat them like H treats you. And they will know what is going on, however carefully you have tried to hide it from them.

Very best of luck. You are doing really well.

Anniegetyourgun Mon 14-Sep-09 12:53:16

It's not the solicitor who's coming round this afternoon, it's the abusive H!

May I suggest if at all possible you get somebody else to keep you company/act as a witness this afternoon? Just in case. He's more likely to be nice than nasty, so that you weaken further, but who knows which way things may turn if he doesn't get what he wants?

GypsyMoth Mon 14-Sep-09 12:56:27

i don't see how you can stay in the house anyway,he's not paid mortgage for 2 months,3rs month will be due soon.....

he'll need to pay those 3 installments,and then keep paing it indefinitely for you to stay there. or have i missed something?

benefits won't pay the mortgage for you

BlipinaBottle Mon 14-Sep-09 13:15:52

ILoveTIFFANY i know DSS won't pay the mortgage. However, i don't think it's right that an abusive man can just decide he isn't going to pay anymore and see his wife and children turned onto the streets.

I'm hoping he will agree to pay it , if not i will see a solicitor and see where i stand legally ie he may have no choice to pay it. I have done nothing wrong so why should I and our children be punished?

Chocaholic73 Mon 14-Sep-09 13:20:21

agree with Annie ..definitely get someone to be there with you this afternoon. Good luck. DSS wont pay the mortgage. However, it's not a question of your H not being able to afford to pay, he has chosen not to pay. He is trying to make you dependent on him, dont fall for it.

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