Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

feeling so anxious tonight - about leaving

(24 Posts)
hopefulgal Sun 13-Sep-09 21:33:22

hi
sorry if i seem to keep posting just am so anxious and feeling sick and shaky tonight. very scared about leaving and what the future holds for me and dc. but i no i need to get out, escape from this hell. all that matters to me now is my dc. just am so scared he will find out i am planning to leave and find a way to make us stay.

lilacclaire Sun 13-Sep-09 21:38:46

sorry, cant find any of your other posts.

Are you leaving tonight?

Just keep imagining how free you will feel once you take the final step through the door and how bright the future will look for you and your dc once you go.

ErikaMaye Sun 13-Sep-09 21:41:17

Stay strong, you are doing the right thing, I'm sure. When are you planning on going?

hopefulgal Sun 13-Sep-09 21:46:43

no am not leaving tonight. have just stored the womens aid number on my phone and am ringing them tomorrow when dd at nursery. its just that today is the day i am certain in my mind for the first time that i am leaving.
i am just anxious that i wont cope once we have left and i just want to keep my dc safe, which i no is away from him, no matter how much they love him. but it still saddens me to think i am taking them away from their dad, home and routine.

nauseous Sun 13-Sep-09 21:48:14

please stay strong. I also left a similiar sounding situation once once and never looked back... though not sure what has happened to you...

I have a new life, and have surrounded myself with supportive people. Have faith in yourself.

Can you call a women's refuge?

Good luck for you and your DCs.

nauseous Sun 13-Sep-09 21:55:26

well done for getting to that phoning for help stage then I know its tough.

Keep picturing that safe future for you and your DC's... it will keep you strong.

Women's Aid is a great organisation who will be able to help you take the next, crucial steps and who have a lot of insight..

I'll be thinking of you hopefulgal

Overmydeadbody Sun 13-Sep-09 22:00:06

Well done hopeful for making the decision to do the right thing and leave.

Of course it will seem strange and scary, but you will survive this. As soon as you leave your life will get easier, not harder.

Imagine, if you've survived the hell you've been living in then you are certainly strong enough to survive ending it.

A whole new wonderful secure happy fun life awaits you and your DCs. You'll see.

Leaving will be the best thing you have ever done in your life and will enable you to live a more secure content fulfilled and happy life.

hopefulgal Sun 13-Sep-09 22:08:01

thankyou all so much just for taking the time to read this and all the support. my mind has been racing all day about leaving, to be honest im not sure what womensaid will suggest but hopefully tomoro i wil be one step further to getting away. just have to have the courage to dial the number but i no i have to.
have been living with p who is emotionally abusive and sometimes violent, for 5 years now and have only recently realised that this is wrong. i no that sounds stupid. but before sort of thought he did care and that he was sorry. i hve been suffering with anxiety and panic attacks for about 5 months now and this situation is making me ill. am pregnant and my dc need me so no i have to get us out. its just scary waking up and realisng the truth. i am scared of what he is capable of doing to us. scared to be alone with him. when he is abusive he only has to look at me and i feel i will fall apart and cant breathe ...........

hopefulgal Sun 13-Sep-09 22:13:26

also i used to be ok when he was not here, at work or out with friends. it would be my time to be happy and relaxed and feel safe. but now even when he is not here i am getting anxious and upset just thinking about everything and when he is coming home. we could be on a bus and he is the most loving person in the world. 5 mins later at home and the front door is shut and he goes mental, shouting at me and dc for not doing such and such correct, or because one of the dc are crying or tired.
thanks for all your kind thoughts i no that once we are away, have our own home we will be safe and i will be able to sleep knowing we are safe.

ErikaMaye Sun 13-Sep-09 22:26:53

Oh hun that's sounds horrible You are totally doing the right thing by getting out now. Make that first step - if you need people on here to hold your hand metaphorically while you do so then there are hundreds of us here.

nauseous Sun 13-Sep-09 22:29:01

Hopeful - the anxiety sounds v difficult to handle, especially with being pregnant too. But - as the OP said - you've survived this horror you are stronger than you think. Recognising the truth in your situation is very brave and difficult to do.

Keep breathing... Off to bed now but good luck with your call tomorrow.

colditz Sun 13-Sep-09 22:30:17

DOn't be scared, ring womensaid

When you next get the opportunity, ring these people and explain situation.

You can do it - you don't know it yet, but you aren't entering the scary part of your life - you're leaving it behind.

lilacclaire Sun 13-Sep-09 22:46:30

Don't be worried about breaking their routine, its better to do it now when they are young and get them into a new routine that they will adapt to really quickly and so will you, kids are pretty amazing that way.

You know it will only get worse and you don't want the kids growing up to think this is normal.

Good luck, your braver than you feel.

SqueezyCheese Sun 13-Sep-09 23:27:10

Well done for making this decision. It really is very brave and no wonder you are nervous, this is life changing. Believe you will be fine, this is a positive step you are taking and your life will improve with each bit of distance you take from this situation.

Be strong and know that you are doing the right thing for you and for your children. Best of luck smile

therealme Mon 14-Sep-09 02:36:57

Hopefulgal,
I have been where you are now, infact, very recently.
When you finally realise that your relationship is destructive and damaging it can cause you to panic.
The thing I most want to tell you is to slow down. You need to take baby steps from here in.
You have come to the realisation that your relationship is abusive - and that's a lot to take in! But from now on you have a secret plan to leave, and that is a comfort to you.

Everything has to be done slowly and methodically. Answer one Q at a time. Ring Womens Aid, arrange a meeting. They were invaluable in helping me to realise that I was not wrong in my description of my h as an abuser. They had sympathy and understanding, they just 'knew' what I was talking about.

You can make a plan to get yourself and your dc out of your current situation, and you can do it at your own pace. Keep calm - you have endured so much so far, another few weeks won't make any difference.
This is your plan. You control the timing. You will get out - when you are ready.

Try not to be anxious, your future is ahead of you, and it doesn't have to be with your partner. You have some choice in how you and your dc live, slow down and start to make it real.

mathanxiety Mon 14-Sep-09 03:30:12

You will never regret it once you truly get away, and you will know your children are so much better off too. smile Your anxiety and panic will melt away -- you will feel like yourself again. If you want to cover your tracks, make sure you have womens' aid in your phone under some other name, like 'mum' or 'gran' or whatever, and delete texts they send, as well as call history. If they give you information, take it down on paper and keep it in a tampon packet or rolled up in a spare tampon in your bag. Also make sure you set your history setting to zero days stored. Delete the sites visited when you use the computer if you use it at home.

hopefulgal Mon 14-Sep-09 23:28:07

thankyou to everyone who has replied. what a hard day today has been, im emotionally drained. been throwin up all evening with anxiety but have finally got somewhere. rang wa, who were lovely refered me to refuge in my area. a lady rang me frm them and said that basically the refuge could not accomodate our needs as there is no room. so tomoro i am going to housing place and apply as homeless as had to leave due to dv and should be placed in bed n breakfast until something comes up. however due to my major anxiety i no i will not be able to cope alone in a bnb so am going to stay with my mum for support - not ideal tho as she lives in a shared house but at least we will be free.

i am so scared cant believe this is happening. my main concern our my dc just hope they will be ok - its a huge thing uprooting a 3 year old, i am praying she will be ok.

Tortington Mon 14-Sep-09 23:33:34

well done

mathanxiety Tue 15-Sep-09 03:07:52

Fantastic. Your 3 yo will settle and be better off in the end without the problems and stress you're all going through. can you still keep on posting? Thinking of you. xxxx

hopefulgal Tue 15-Sep-09 06:34:50

thankyou mathanxiety. i am sat here this morning in tears as i am so scared about doing this. yeah i can stil post am taking laptop with me, as long as i get internet coverage. i just hate myself for taking my children from there dad, i no how much he means to them. but i no if i stay i wont be able to care for them properly as i will get too ill with my anxiety. have been up most of the night cant sleep or even think about everything without throwing up and feeling like i cant breathe. i spoke to a good friend last night who suggested maybe i have pnd and to try and get some meds?

anyway got to go now and get packing, he has left for work. just saddens me that he didnt get to say goodbye to the kids. i hope they dont hate me for this x

chimchar Tue 15-Sep-09 06:57:37

sweetheart, you are doing the right thing...

one day your children will fully understand why you had to leave...this is not your fault. you must remember that...

keep on with the baby steps, and let WA and your mum support you.

look to a brighter, happier future.

a teeny note about the anxiety..i suffer terribly with it. it feeds on your fear..tell yourself that this moment will pass and its your bodys natural way of dealing with stress. when you feel panic coming, try to distract yourself to avoid it turning into a full on panic attack. singing helps to regulate your breathing, as does breathing so that you make your tummy rise instead of your chest iykwim? regaining a tiny bit of control may make you feel a bit stronger too...

hth
good luck. x

queenofdenial2009 Tue 15-Sep-09 16:59:23

Hope today is going OK for you. It is very hard and I know having done this just two months ago.

I felt terrible about my DD, aged four too - taking her away from her daddy, her friends, home etc. I thought it wasn't affecting her that much, but the change has been amazing. I knew very quickly that I'd done the right thing for her, as well as me. They will be picking up on this.

I would also speak to your GP. Mine was great and your medical records about the DV and the affect its having on you can be used to support your case. I was also prescribed antidepressants and sleeping pills. This really helped with that awful, churning anxiety and let me sleep. I've already stopped taking them, so don't worry too much about get hooked on them, they really can help in the short term.

Things will get better. Keep posting here and we'll all be rooting for you.

junglist1 Tue 15-Sep-09 17:49:02

Well done. You will feel a different person. No more walking on eggshells, wondering what mood he's in, no more normal conversations going badly wrong. You'll have a real future, can be your own boss and make your own plans. When I was with my P the worst thing was him insulting me while wearing clothes I'd washed and ironed. That sounds silly but little things matter

mathanxiety Tue 15-Sep-09 17:57:31

Your H is the only father the DCs know, and yes, they will wonder what's become of him and where he is, but they would have the same questions about a dead goldfish. You are doing them a huge favour by taking them away from him. Growing up with a father like this is seriously bad for children. When you see them a year from now you'll pat yourself on the back for making the right decision and persevering for the best interests of everyone. You are doing the right thing and the responsible thing, and the loving thing for the children. Young children are very adaptable and will get used to the new surroundings pretty fast, especially as you will be in much better shape as a mum for them when you get away from the stress. smile Your H made this situation impossible for you and the innocent DCs and should have foreseen the consequences of his choices. <cheering you on>

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now