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OMG I cannot believe DH, (disenchanted3)

(30 Posts)
Disenchanted3 Sun 13-Sep-09 20:50:43

Last night I was sobbinbg on the phone (having a panic attack) as he was saying he doesn't love me anymore, he will NOT come home (because i was begging him to at 2am cause i was scared having an anxiety attack) he said we should never have gotten married etc...

i was heart broken,

today ive been heartbroken but went to my mums, did not call him at all,

1pm he rings me asking if he can take kids out, i say no as we are alreaqdy going out, i tell him i dont want to talk to him right now.

he rang me about an hour ago and says 'do you want me to come home now?'

shock angry

Hes saying ill come back i was just angry

errrrr no what you mean is your twat of a mum is doing your head inb after only 24 hours and this is an easier option.

i told him no.

hes gone to his mums again,

with the opinion he will be here tomorrow night,

I . think. not.

lilandbill2009 Sun 13-Sep-09 20:59:18

bit more information please if you don't mind

SolidGoldBrass Sun 13-Sep-09 21:02:22

Having read one or two of your threads I think this sounds like a totally toxic relationship that you would be best out of. Some people just aren't good for each other. Honestly, your best bet is to keep him at a polite distance; if you let him come back now you will spend more years rowing, one of you flouncing out then coming back, then worrying with every row whether this is it or not... a miserably stressful way to live. And let's not forget he's physically violent, so not a desirable partner at all.

Disenchanted3 Sun 13-Sep-09 21:03:47

Very true SGB.

macdoodle Sun 13-Sep-09 21:04:13

one word CODEPENDANCY.....having been there myself it is very hard to disentangle but must be done ....

andnowwhat Sun 13-Sep-09 21:04:16

You're doind so well today D3.

Keep strong now

SolidGoldBrass Sun 13-Sep-09 21:43:36

Best of luck Dis. It is hard and difficult to get rid of someone like this (volatile people are usually very charming, otherwise everyone would just think they were nobbers and not bother with them, when they are not being vile) but it can be done, and once you accept in your own mind that this relationship is over and draw a line, things start getting steadily easier.

groundhogs Sun 13-Sep-09 22:31:40

Why IS it that whenever one of us has a difficult time with DH, which by the very nature of the buggers, is pretty ruddy frequent, everyone tells the OP to get out. Give up and move on.

Great advice, but it's easy when you're not really thinking about what's best for the OP, and it costs nothing to sit there punching the keys.

So he said that he didn't love her/wished he'd never married her last night.. Jeez, MY DH has said that, as have I. I've told him I wished I'd never met him, he'd ruined my life etc etc, and seeing as I was literally a prisoner, and a constantly critisized prisoner at that, I had a flaming point.

OP loves her DH, her DH loves her. They are having a tough time, in difficult circumstances, OF COURSE they are gonna fight, and fight big.

What they both need is a bit of space to themselves, away from each other and HELP to WORK THINGS OUT. Telling them to just Give Up and Get Out just makes more statistics and perhaps titillates readers???

OP, Believe me, if he didn't love you he'd find somewhere else to be, a mates wherever. He CALLED YOU and asked to come back, that's not easy. Good for you to make him sweat today, but tbh, you need the help at home, your kiddiwinks miss him, he's not a total evil bastard. Otherwise I'd be first to tell you to tell him to hit the road.

It's not easy for a man to climb back down off their high horses, and come back home.

When he comes home, it IS his home afterall, sit down and tell him that his behaviour was not acceptable, perhaps even own up to your own unacceptable behaviour, if you really think you may have contributed. Explain exactly how and what you feel and get him to do the same. You are in this together, you have little ones.. and aren't you pg too? sorry I can't remember off hand.

Don't let 'stuff' get between you, things WILL get better, but sometimes you have to wade through quite a bit before they do.

Hang in there, be strong, and again pat yourself heartily on the back for being so strong today, for not sitting at home moping, and for taking control of your home and children's routine! See what you can do all by yourself? You are amazing, and your DH knows this!

Good luck, take it easy eh? smile

macdoodle Sun 13-Sep-09 23:26:49

Some relationships are just not meant to be, they are so destructive and harmful, they should not have happened in the first place!
there is no "saving" these relationships...it may be the man,the woman, or just the combination of the 2 together!

From my reading of Dienchanteds threads, if this relationship continues, it will destroy them both, with their children stuck in the middle!

MermaidSpam Sun 13-Sep-09 23:41:56

Tell him to fuck off Dis grin

Alambil Mon 14-Sep-09 00:07:25

groundhogs there's a history of violence - violent relationships are dangerous - violent relationships which include children are dangerous - that's why people have advised as such. It isn't said off the cuff.

and I agree with mermaid - tell him to just fuck off. Get a counsellor / good GP and figure yourself out

MermaidSpam Mon 14-Sep-09 00:15:03

OP - I read the first part of your post feeling "Oh no, poor thing" and by the end I was "YES! Go girl!"

You have more strength than you give yourself credit for. As Lewisfan says, get yourself some good help and you'll be home and dry.

Good Luck hun x x x

alwayslookingforanswers Mon 14-Sep-09 01:29:21

groundhogs - ordinarily I would (sort of) agree with you.

But with the violence - no way - she should get the hell out.

skidoodle Mon 14-Sep-09 01:32:10

"OP, Believe me, if he didn't love you he'd find somewhere else to be, a mates wherever. He CALLED YOU and asked to come back, that's not easy."

What a load of utter shite.

sandcastles Mon 14-Sep-09 01:40:41

'Don't let 'stuff' get between you'

What, stuff like physical violence? That is not a route that any one needs to go down.

Members here don't say 'leave' for a laugh!

Disenchanted3 Mon 14-Sep-09 09:45:09

You know, Ive gotten up today at 7am, got 3 kids washed, dressed, fed, fed 2 dogs and a cat,c cleaned up the'puppy room' tidied the kitchen, got 1 to school, another to paygroup and Im feeling really good.

I don't want to say this is forever, deep down I know it isn't, i do want DH to come home because I love him, but we need to sort ourselves out before we can sort our marriage out and the ONLY way to do this is apart.

For the first tiome in years I have been chilled, I have not shouted at my kids, Ive played with them and Ive not been a slattern.

That says something doesn't it? Soimething sad but something serious.

I cannot be with him right now and Im surprised at how little i miss him

Disenchanted3 Mon 14-Sep-09 09:46:14

That doesn't mean I will still feel like this in a month, a year ...

Im just going day by day ...

Disenchanted3 Mon 14-Sep-09 09:48:35

And as for the violence yes he has pulled me, he has twisted my wrist but i have been violent to him, and I am NOT defending him here, I am simply telling the truth in that I have always been the first one to get physical.

That does not excuse his behaviour and it makes me feel ashamedto admit I act that way but Im being honest here.

I want to sort out my problems and see if us feeling better individually can change this relationship.

Might as well try once we are more stable in ourselves.

APoisonTree Mon 14-Sep-09 09:50:10

Very well done!

I think when one person is gone, suddenly you realise that if YOU don't do the jobs that need doing, then nobody will. When there are two of you, it is easy to let your mind think that the other person should/could do their fair share and then nothing gets done.

I think you are making the right decision.

GypsyMoth Mon 14-Sep-09 09:51:12

he needs to address his violence though,that doesn't just go away....how will that be addressed??

theres alot to be said for living apart....my dp doesn't live with me! 4 years on he still lives 50 miles away,mutual choice. we have a better relationship with no domestic stuff between us

Disenchanted3 Mon 14-Sep-09 09:54:07

Tiffany he sees a psychiatrist and a psychologist and is on the waiting list for couselling,I assume they will adress him there or refer him to someone who can?

Disenchanted3 Mon 14-Sep-09 09:55:15

True poison tree,

I also had a 'problem' doing things he asked, so if he told or even asked me to tidy the kitchen I wouldn't as I felt resentment towards him for asking me to do so! so daft.

FabBakerGirlIsBack Mon 14-Sep-09 09:56:57

"titilates readers"????????/

O M G

GypsyMoth Mon 14-Sep-09 10:11:54

what do the psychs say about him?

my own ex was a violent,abusive man....still is,but with extensive anger management sessions,counselling,probation....and psych nurses,he's worse than ever.

his psychiatrist has diagnosed borderline personality disorder. fo years he was being given antidepressents for a depression that didn't ever exist. i kind of knew after 10 years of marriage that he was un-changeable!new partners he's had have fared worse than i did....i stopped all his contact with the kids 3 years ago. its only now,that the family court ordered a full psych assesment,that the truth has come out. he has to now see a psychologist for another 'test'.

the cause of all this is,apparently, 'a difficult early relationship with his mother'.

don't know why i'm telling you all this,just i guess to say some men can't/won't change,and sometimes you have to let go. maybe your dh will be different,and will be 'cured'.

Disenchanted3 Mon 14-Sep-09 10:16:00

Hes only been like this a few years, its not like he was this way from the start at all.

Hes not had any troubled childhood or anything like that, hes just depressed.

I'm soryy that your ex could not change but I have to hope that we both can.

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