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Please tell me this will be ok?

(38 Posts)
Molliesmum Sun 13-Sep-09 20:15:11

Hi, I really needso me help and advice! Split up with my husband of 7 years in June. I met someone else at work who was fantastic and I totally fell for. I have a daughter of 2.10 and her dad has never been very good with her and my marriage has not been a happy one. I was so stupid because even though I moved out I could not take that final plunge and really commit to the guy from work even tho I love him. It was just too soon. He said he couldn't take any more and finished it. Now I am staying back in our house with my husband because I feel as if I'm cracking up and don't feel strong enough to be alone. I have been put on anti depressants and it is hard for me to get up each day I am so sad. I do not love my husband in a romantic way but he wants me back even tho he knows I love someone else. I know I should give it a try but I want to be with someone I truly love like this guy I met. Now I've had those feelings I don't think I can go back. I've lost all my friends and not going back to my husband will mean being totally alone with my daughter. There is no way back with the guy in work. What should I do, I'm desperate? PLease help, I need a friend! x (sad)

purplepeony Sun 13-Sep-09 20:29:09

oh mollie...sad

Have your freinds ditched you 'cos you left your H? If so, they weren't true friends.

The guy at work- is it really over? seems such a shame if all you wanted was some space before you took it further.

All I can suggest is maybe counselling to help you see what's gone wrong with your marriage, and then perhaps you will have the strength to leave?

There are so many marraiges that are not romantic any more - or were ever- so that is not uncommon. You need to be really sure that you want to end it and that you weren't just ending it becasue you found someone else- which you didn't want to cmmit to. Does that tell you that there is something worth saving- cos i would have thought that if you had really loved the otehr man, you'd have gone for it.

HalfMumHalfBiscuit Sun 13-Sep-09 20:30:27

I would say its probably a good thing that the relationship with guy from work ended. Sometimes it is the excitement of a new relationship, particularly a dangerous one, that makes you feel like you are in love but you're not. You're just craving the excitement of meeting someone new, having a new relationship and some fun. The fact that you didn't commit to the guy from work meant that somewhere inside you didn't feel it was right.

Sounds like you are in a difficult situation at present, but staying with your husband could give you some time and space to figure things out.

Take some time to see what your blessings are. Give the anti depressants a chance to kick in. You might find yourself re thinking things and realise that you are in a good situation with a decent man who wants to stand by you.

Hope everything works out for you.

Molliesmum Sun 13-Sep-09 20:55:47

Thanks so much you have made me cry with your lovely replies. I wish you were my friends lol! Yes I know my husband is a good man and maybe you are right about the guy in work so why does it hurt like nothing I've ever felt in my life? The thing is I have two choices, get back with my husband and go back to my old life or go it totally on my own and see if I can find happiness? I'm so fragile at the moment all i want is the other guy but he would have stuck with me wouldn't he if it was really right? you are right it was exciting but I really feel it would have lasted if I had had the bottle to go for it instead of always panicking that it wouldn't work. i'm soooo stupid!

Celery Sun 13-Sep-09 21:00:45

I would say, if you do get back with your husband, don't do it just because you are scared of being alone. If that's the only reason, then don't do it! Going it alone may be hard at first, but life goes in phases, and if you are open to new things, and think positively, good things will come your way.

Molliesmum Sun 13-Sep-09 21:02:02

Know what you mean but not sure I can be alone. I'm frightened x

purplepeony Sun 13-Sep-09 22:45:06

when you moved out in June, where did you go?
How old are you?

Do you know why you don't want to be with your DH any more?

Is it really over, or are you just bored and the honeymoon phase has gone?

Could you manage financially on your own?

Molliesmum Mon 14-Sep-09 09:52:50

Yes I have my own place which I've leased for 6 months which is another issue in itself. I'm still deeciding whether to move back there or let it go and move back in here. I don't have any family local and the only friends that have stuck with me are the ones from work.I'm 29 and I feel as if I've missed out on going out, having nice holidays, dh won't get on a plane. this other guy was offering everything I wanted but for some reason I panicked and now he wants nothing to do with me. Maybe it would not have worked long term but now I will always wonder. DH is really kind and loves me and dd to bits but yes I am bored. I want to be with someone that I actually fancy and have some connection with. I've always put dd first in everything to the detriment of my own feelings. This is driving me crazy I cannot get him out my head I'm just crying all the time and wishing I could turn back the clock. Don't know how I will ever move on from this. Can't go back to my old life it just seems so hum drum. How selfish I am? I am going mad I think!

ginnny Mon 14-Sep-09 10:00:03

From what you say on here it wouldn't be fair on your DH to stay with him feeling like you do.
If you have a 6 month lease on your new place why don't you just move in their till the lease is up and try being alone. You might find that gives you the space you need to decide what it is you want.
The new man couldn't have been right for you if he finished it just because you wanted to go slowly. If he really loved you he would have been more understanding and patient with you.

Molliesmum Mon 14-Sep-09 15:45:08

I'm sure you are right. I think I must have been very naive to believe all his promises. He seemed so genuine and lovely. Probably just flattered my ego! Can't imagine being with anyone else, its ridiculous I'm 29 not 15!I know what you mean and think you are right about going it alone I just don't want to keepmoving my daughter about and she prefers living in our house alltogether than in my house. She misses her dad. What a mess. I really sometimes feel it would be better if I could drop off the face of the earth!

ginnny Tue 15-Sep-09 10:42:40

Your dd will be fine wherever she is as long as she is with you.
Don't stay with your husband just for the sake of your dd. You deserve to be happy too and it really doesn't sound like you will be with him.
Give yourself some breathing space.

Molliesmum Fri 18-Sep-09 10:48:12

When a bloke says I can't handle this at the moment but you know for a fact they still have feelings for you is it done and dusted?

ginnny Fri 18-Sep-09 10:55:21

Not necessarily, but I do think you can love someone but not be able be with them iyswim.
He is probably scared of being hurt.

mummee09verity Fri 18-Sep-09 11:19:11

hiya

please do not go back to your husband. a similar thing happened to me nearly 3 years ago, when i was 27. i had been with my ex for 8 years and things weren't right and hadnt been for ages; i was very bored and he didn't make me feel special in any way. he was also very mean with money and left all the housework and childcare up to me. (we had a 6 month old baby boy) i fell head over heels for another man while i was still with my ex and although we didn't get together as such, i decided to ask my ex to leave as i was not in love with him anymore. it wasn't because i wanted to be with the other man as such, it was just that through my affair with him i had realised exactly how much was missing in my relationship. my ex was devastated and begged to stay but i knew in my heart it was over. once he had left i felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders and was so happy. i started a whole new life for myself, i made new friends, i did a college course, i started going on nights out, i decorated my hosue the way I wanted it, but most of all i discovered how much happier i was on my own. it didnt work out with the man i was seeing but a few months later i met the most amazing guy, we are now engaged and have the most beautiful 4 month old baby daughter. i have never been so happy in my life.
so please don't stay for the sake of your DD! She WILL get over it. two parents living apart happily is better than 2 parents together in an unhappy house. you WILL find happiness again, i promise. it may not be with this guy you have been seeing but it will happen for you.
xxxxxx
and PS - me and my ex are amicable now and he still sees his son regularly. and he too is happy with someone else.

Molliesmum Fri 18-Sep-09 12:49:36

Thank you so so so much!I do love my husband but not in a romantic way and what you said pretty much describes how I feel! I don't know whether the guy I met is the right one, I think he very well could have been. he keeps in touch but says he is not in a good place at the moment and can't handle the stress. Part of me thinks I should just walk away and leave him to it, but I've never felt this way before. I could wait around for him only to be disappionted but at the same time I feel if we could only get together and talk we would just make it work so well! I guess if it was right he would want me no matter how bad he was feeling wouldn't he.I know I need to feel safe in my own skin. I've volunteered for Homestart and trying to get in touch with local mums on the net so I am trying. Finding it very hard to move on. Next step is moving back into my own house I think. Thing is, once you realise that you can feel that way about someone how do you go back to someone you don't feel it for? Thanks so much for your post mummee09verity it has given me a bit of hope! I really need a good girly night out but don't have friends to go with! x

ginnny Fri 18-Sep-09 13:52:26

Molliesmum
In answer to your question "once you realise that you can feel that way about someone how do you go back to someone you don't feel it for?"
I think the answer is, that you simply can't. You can't make yourself feel something you don't and it wouldn't be fair on your H either.
Where are you? You could always arrange a MN meetup in your area. If I was near you I'd be up for it!!

mummee09verity Fri 18-Sep-09 16:06:00

hi molliesmum

i am so glad my post helped!!!! as far as the other guy goes, to be honest with you he sounds a bit of a waste of space - if he REALLY wanted you he would have been prepared to wait. and by the sounds of it you don't sound ready for a new relationship anyway, you say you are scared of being alone, don't be!!! it can get lonely at times but nothing is as lonely as being in a bad relationship. and having a child keeps you strong, especially during lonely or wobbly moments. and i have never felt so strong as i did when i was a single parent, as strange as it sounds, it is incredibly empowering.
where in the country are you, as someone else says, are there any mumsnet meet ups you could go to? xxxx

Molliesmum Tue 22-Sep-09 11:25:47

Wow you two are fab lol! I'm in Leicestershire. I have arranged to meet with a couple of mums via netmums and I've also volunteered for Homestart. I've moved back out yesterday into my own little house and yes, you're right it is empowering in a way. I am really trying to push forward now. I am sure you are right, I wasn't ready for a new relationship but sometimes things seem too good to pass up on don't they? It was funny cos on Friday I just seemed to have a shift in how I was feeling after all your posts and just thought, I have to do this for my daughter now and stop wallowing. I am still feeling shaky and still missing this guy loads, irrational though it may be. I'm in love with what I thought he was, does that make any sense? The disappointment of him not being what I thought is crushing, its almost like grieving, does that sound stupid? The fact that he couldn't have loved me enough to stay by me really hurts.I know something else I can't go through that again, it makes me very scared to get involved with someone else! He seemed really genuine and I really though he was special, what an idiot! Are all men like this? My husband isn't. Although I don't feel romantically towards him I know he would never abandon me and my daughter like that! Oh well, I would love to hear from anyone in my area!

mummee09verity Tue 22-Sep-09 11:56:50

hiya, awww i am so glad you are feeling more positive about things
it WILL get better - I promise you. sorry i havent got time for a longer reply as gotta get my son ready for pre school!! but also wanted to say - I'm in leicester too, city centre area! so if you wanted to meet up for a coffee sometime let me know
xx

Molliesmum Tue 22-Sep-09 13:07:15

Oh that's cool! I'm about 20 mins away so I would be happy to drive in to Leicester to meet with you! Really like that! I'm always in and out to Toys R Us, and Highcross anyway lol! Funny isn't it, all my positiveness has disappeared in the last hour! Think it's just sunk in that I've been good and proper made a fool of! My daughter is almost 3, how old is your son? x

mummee09verity Tue 22-Sep-09 15:59:58

cool!!! yes that toys r us in town is great isnt it?? hehe!

you haven't been made a fool of hun, most of us girls fall for someone who isn't worth our attention from time to time. and it sounds like you're guy definitely wasn't! as i said, if he was really into you, he would have understood what you were going through hung around. and to me from what you have said it sounds like he is messing you about a bit. by still being in contact he is keeping you dangling and i think if it was me i'd just say to him - look, u either want me or u don't, either stop messing me about or we stop contact completely. and see what happens from there. i can tell you really like him and i know how hard it is to let go when you have strong feelings for someone.

BUT keep in mind you are very vulnerable right now, could it be that you are just hanging on to a thread of hope that things will work out with him because you feel vulnerable and are scared of being alone?

i dont mean to sound cliched, but remember you are only young, you have plenty of years to find the right person and when he comes along there will be no heartache and uncertainty - it will just feel right.

and in answer to your question, my son is 3, he will be 4 next april!!

are you on facebook at all?? x

deste Tue 22-Sep-09 17:05:11

Mollie just put it down to experience and move on. Good luck

Molliesmum Wed 23-Sep-09 08:30:04

Yes I am on facebook but I can't get on at the moment as I only have my company lap top and it is blocked. I need to get a new lap top of my own. I'll e-mail you my contact details should I and we can meet up? Thanks for all your advice. I have definitely realised he isn't worth it, I'm not going to text him again because he isn't bothered and it's messing with my head. That's great then that kids are a similar age, sure dd will love it! Thanks again for your posts, looking forward to meeting you!! X

mummee09verity Wed 23-Sep-09 09:48:12

good for you for not texting him!!!! lol. i'm so glad you have realised he isn't worth it -i guarantee you in a few months you will wonder what you saw in him!!!

yes thats fine, email me through here, i have set my profile to allow messages, hope it works!! havent had any private msg's through here yet so not sure how it all works lol!!

yes it will be great to meet up - its always nice to meet people with kids of similar ages

xx

Molliesmum Wed 23-Sep-09 12:52:26

I sent a message through earlier with my mobile number on so hopefully it will work. I haven't sent one before either! Yes well, I've got to just think of my daughter, can't be wasting my time on loser men! I suppose I'll have to put it down to experience as deste says and accept that I will never understand what has gone on in his head!Anyway, he was not good enough for me, I know that, I think I've just built him up to be this fantastic bloke in my head when in actual fact there were things that were wrong. You choose to forget the bad don't you! Like he took me out and let me pay for drinks and taxi! ha ha! Not too good on a first date lol! I think the fact that he has a daughter same age as dd was a plus for me and the fact that we had work in common. Still, like you said, the main thing was it made me realise what I was missing in my marriage as I haven't ever felt like that, even at the beginning.Just going to concentrate on me and dd now. True what you said though it is strangely empowering being a single mum! We had a conversation about why elephants spray mud onto their backs at 6.00am this morning lol!

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