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Im an idiot, a bloody idiot

(17 Posts)
slimbo Sun 13-Sep-09 19:34:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HelenaBonhamCarter Sun 13-Sep-09 19:57:49

He sounds like a manipulative arse. They are usually very bloody good at getting people to do this, you weren't stupid, you were manipulated.

He's like a double glazing salesman.

Be nice to yourself. You don't deserve this.
Is there any way you could keep contact to a bare minimum, say a set time each week to discuss dd, if he is still involved with her - or just cut him off completely if he's not.

Poor thing, I feel really sorry for you going through this sad

HelenaBonhamCarter Sun 13-Sep-09 19:58:46

...and don't text him again!!! wink

Counselling might be useful for you, too.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 13-Sep-09 20:07:02

The only contact you should ever have with this cocklodger is via a Solicitor to get a plan in place with regards to a contact centre (which I don't think he'd ever stick to but you need to give him the opportunity to fall flat on his face).

No more texting; this is a poor way of communicating and actually in this case it is non communication. He's being an arse and you were indeed manipulated. These toxic people are very good at manipulation of their victim. He knows that he's only got to get you hooked by giving you some false hope and you'll be back for more.

Counselling for your own self would be helpful; BACP have an accredited list of counsellors and it won't cost the earth either. These people do immense harm to self esteem and worth.

You may also want to read "Women who love too much" written by Derek Norwood.

SqueezyCheese Sun 13-Sep-09 23:40:40

Is it possible that you are wanting some sort of justice? You want him to accept that he has really hurt you, treated you badly, cheated on you, ignored your daughter? You want him to apologise and somehow to make it all better? Maybe you want him to hurt the OW the way that he has hurt you? Frustration?

I dunno, I just know that sometimes, you will NEVER, ever get that apology or that 'thing' that you think is the thing that allows you to move on. And you will run yourself ragged and ruin your self esteem trying to get it - read you post again, it's all there.

You have to physically accept that he will never be what you want him to be and make the choice to move your life on. In fact his behaviour is shouting out very loudly that he will never be what you want him to be.

Make the decision and from that moment - DO NOT text him, do not call, do not ask him to come back and ignore him unless it is strictly to do with your daughter.

You won't see that improvement in your life that you seek, until you take that proper and definite step away from him.

mathanxiety Mon 14-Sep-09 03:42:11

If you do want some sort of justice, or some kind of "final word", how about a ceremonial burning of everything you have that reminds you of him, so you get to hang up on him, so to speak. I really hope you don't mean it when you say you want him back. You deserve better and so does your DD.

aRLcat Mon 14-Sep-09 03:44:55

"He cheated on me, he is still with her, and im ashamed of myself that i would overlook that to get my life back."

That life has passed. That life where your partner deceived you in a horrific way, where he failed to invest in you and your daughter, as he should have, because his mind was elsewhere....

That it has passed is a positive!

I'm not intending flippancy, I have an understanding of where you may be with this, having been in a very similar situation.

If you allow the good memories (and there are bound to be many beautiful ones, isn't that what makes it all so confusing?) to cloud the reality of the abuse you were subjected to, then everything will remain confusing.

I say abuse and I mean it very literally. An affair is a particularly abusive act to commit towards a partner and you are suffering a similar pain and confusion to anyone who has experienced abuse of any kind. Allow yourself the compassion you would extend to any victim of any such treatment.

If you hanker after what your relationship became, you hand him the power to manipulate and hurt you, on a silver platter. If you plead for answers or allow him access to your mind and emotions, the power is his. In reality there is nothing he can tell you that will ease your mind.

Don't seek solace in the arms of the betrayor, it's a bit like asking a wolf for a cuddle, isn't it?

You are not weak, you are not stupid, you are not a hysterical wreck! You don't bore anyone with any of this, let it out and keep doing so. When you start to bore yourself then you will feel a sense of healing and distance- keep talking! (But not to him wink)

You are an immensely strong woman and mother, be proud and hold onto hope. You will make it through this, you are already doing so, although it may not feel like it much of the time but every passing minute is a step towards a better and happier life.

Allets Mon 14-Sep-09 04:17:11

My advice may be a bit blunt and may be slightly out of context as I don't know you or the history, but I mean well.

For starters, stop texting. How can you ever hope to come to any sort of agreement/way forward by text? It's the least personal form of communication I can think of and totally detracts from the importance of the discussions you should be having.

It jumps off the page, that you know that this man is no good for you. Don't beat yourself up about wanting him back. You are human, of course you want the "old/happy/content/normal" life back. Who wouldn't?

You need to make up a list of things that you can reasonably expect from your ex. These will likely include:

* Support for your child, expectations re. visitation, financial assistance.
*Financial assistance you need for any joint assets.

Once you have compiled a dispassionate list of achieveable requests, give these to your ex in a neutral setting. Don't get angry, just state your case and make it clear what is non-negotiable (e.g. visitation frequency). Also make sure that he understands when you need him to do things, then if he lets you down, you can legitimately jump up and down.

Lastly, IMO, you need to develop some sort of coping strategy to prevent you from useless and hurtful interactions with your ex. Don't think of yourself as weak, acknowledge your hurt but don't let it turn you into a whining, needy person. Do you have a close friend who could vet what you send to your ex before you send it? Or could you afford to have a holiday or get away for a few days without your phone?

slimbo Mon 14-Sep-09 07:10:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HelenaBonhamCarter Mon 14-Sep-09 07:17:12

shock

what a freak.

If that's his way of trying to get you into bed he has major problems, and is honestly unlikely to change so I would be tempted to cut all contact.

Don't engage with him. He thinks you still want him by the sound of it - you don't, you want someone nice and normal and sane. smile

aRLcat Mon 14-Sep-09 08:08:35

My ex has also turned up at similar hours (1.30 in the morning the last time) to 'discuss contact'.

Do you genuinely have no idea what's going on now?!

He's attempting to treat you like a piece of meat, he's continuing to manipulate and he's extremely self centred!

Whether it continues is almost entirely down to you.

AnyFucker Mon 14-Sep-09 08:11:26

"something could have happened"....???

he means he would have given you a mercy shag if you had let him

how kind of him hmm

I agree with Helena

Ignore his "confusion", he wants you to chase him and boost his pathetic ego, do not be used like that

FabBakerGirlIsBack Mon 14-Sep-09 08:19:26

And do you want him to want you so you can say no?

Totally understandable if so.

Take his number out of your phone and draw a line under yesterday and start afresh. You have done it before and you can do it again.

Take care.

OrmIrian Mon 14-Sep-09 08:26:53

Could you write down all the things that he has done to you, all the things that made you mad, all his unreasonable actions. Let out all the rage and hurt. And then put it away somewhere - in theory so that you one day give it to him, but in reality knowing that you never will. Just to have a mental clear out?

When I am angry I want to have my say. It seems to me that having your say out loud is causing you more grief in this situation sad.

He really is an arse angry

Supercherry Mon 14-Sep-09 09:38:20

Slimbo, it's bloody hard but you need to start thinking with your head and not your heart.

You need to accept it's over, in fact, rejoice in the fact that it is over. You are well rid. You deserve better. He has no redeeming features.

slimbo Mon 14-Sep-09 17:51:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CirculonGirl Mon 14-Sep-09 18:45:53

I'm not certain of your situation or what you are trying to get from him, but I will just say this. You don't have to chase him, you cannot make him behave a certain way or do a certain thing. (possibly excepting finance as per legal duty to dd etc)

Aslo often when a controlling man finds themselves on the receiving end of instructions or demands, or being stood up to - they will move on, and find a new person to bully/manipulate/intimidate.

They are only remaining in the relationship because it is a pattern they like, ie they get to call the shots. Once you stop accepting this and playing your required role, they get scared and/or bored.

You might never hear from him again, unless you contact him.
Think about what you really want to happen and what would be best for dd.

I personally think that my child's life has been easier and happier for the absence of a controlling man who bullied me. but you may feel their relationship is worth continuing and indeed if she is already attached to him it probably is. Just stay out of it yourself, iyswim - no personal stuff at all, just the basics. That's your only duty.

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