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Please help, where do I go from here? If indeed you think I should go anywhere

(95 Posts)
OnYGo Sun 13-Sep-09 17:21:04

DH and I haven’t been getting on particularly well for a long time now, we haven’t been at each other’s throats but nor have we had a loving relationship. Basically we just haven’t made time for each other, haven’t been affectionate with each other and, really, haven’t been a couple.
A few weeks ago he announced that he wanted to leave. I persuaded him to talk, we realised that really we wanted the same things (a secure happy family unit) and agreed to both make an effort to improve our relationship.

Things were greatly improved for a while, then one day about 2 weeks ago he came home and told me he’d been looking at the nhs choices website and he thought I should get the implanon (one of the main reasons he has been holding back emotionally is because I want more children and he doesn’t). I agreed to look into it, said I’d look at all the options, talk to my sister who has it to find out more but I’d prefer not to do it immediately because I had only just stopped breastfeeding my youngest and wanted 2 or 3 months before I put more hormones into my body (I have reacted badly to the pill before). I made it very clear that I would get some kind of contraception after a) I’d had a chance to look at all the options in more depth and b) after no more than a couple of months of not being either pregnant or breastfeeding (my dc are very close together so have been one or the other for the past 4 years). He then said ok I’ll make you the appointment to get it tomorrow hmm. I explained again that no I wanted a proper chance to research it and reiterated that I wasn’t refusing to get it, just it wouldn’t be immediately.

After that he stopped making any effort again, then on Tuesday as he was leaving for work his parting words were “oh by the way I’m seeing the doctor to get a vasectomy today seeing as you haven’t done what I asked” then slammed the door.

Late morning I came down with a very bad d&v bug and was vomiting all afternoon to the extent that I fainted twice. DD called him to tell him that “mummy is sick and sleeping with her head in the toilet” (I’d already phoned him to tell him I was ill and that I’d blacked out) and he called back an hour later to see if I was better before agreeing he’d come home. He eventually arrived home half an hour earlier than usual, so basically my three year old and one year old were unattended all afternoon because I was passed out in the bathroom and he still expected me to take care of them. (His job is very flexible so he could have come earlier without any trouble)

Wednesday morning he sent the dc in to me at 7am and expected me to get them dressed, breakfast while he got himself ready. He did this without even asking how I was. I managed to get dd dressed but the smell of ds’ nappy sent me straight to the bathroom again and I then felt very dizzy again so lay back down. He came back in and said “oh haven’t you give them breakfast yet?” took them downstairs, fed them, dropped dd at preschool then went to work.

Wednesday evening he went to the pub with a neighbour came home around 11.30 then said he felt sick at around 1am. He was sick once then went back to sleep. I meanwhile got up to ds twice, dd once and had to clean his sick from all over the bathroom where he had somehow sprayed it everywhere. All this while still feeling very ill and being extremely dizzy and weak.

Thursday morning he felt much better so went to work though he did come home a bit early feeling sick. I felt sorry for him because I knew how ill I had been feeling and how awful it was so fetched him drinks, toast etc as well as looking after dc and doing some basic housework. I got up four times to dc in the night then got up with ds at 6.30.

I was finally not feeling sick on Friday morning (though exhausted) so didn’t really mind getting up but when it got to 10.30 I started to feel a bit pissed off that he was still lying in bed. When he came downstairs I said (yes, sarcastically)”enjoy your lie in?” and he started yelling and swearing at me saying “aren’t I allowed to have a lie in to recover? I’m still feeling sick you know, didn’t I do everything around the house on Tuesday evening when you were sick? Are you telling me I didn’t help out?” Trying to calm things down I said “yes you did, I really appreciate what you did, I only meant that I haven’t had a chance to lie in and recover myself, I wasn’t having a go at you, I’m just tired and jealous” A bit later on he sat dd up on the kitchen worktop, she kicked her feet and smashed my mixing bowls onto the floor. As I went in to clear it up he lifted dd down from the side and put her on the floor. I yelled “don’t put her on the floor she’ll cut her feet” wiped off dd’s feet then carried on sweeping it up. Then I asked dh to make sure he wiped his feet before going out of the kitchen to make sure he didn’t walk any shards through the house. He walked through the house before wiping his feet, I muttered something along the lines of “or you could just ignore me” and hoovered where he’d walked. He came right up in my face and yelled that he hated me and that it was over. I felt physically threatened at this point.

A few minutes later he came upstairs, on the phone to the letting agent, telling them that our marriage had broken down and enquiring about getting out of our lease early. I thought maybe he was faking the call so went and asked him if he had really been speaking to them. He said yes and I asked why he had done that without us at least discussing things. He said he had nothing to say to me and that he had made his decision and I just had to take it. He then yelled again that he hated me.

I quickly put nappies for ds, our toothbrushes and a couple of other bits in a bag and walked out with the dc. I didn’t know where I was going or even if I was staying out but just had to get away. He then came to the door and yelled “thanks for taking my kids away from me on my day off, I will never forgive you for this”. Both dc started crying for daddy and I was feeling such a mess that i didn’t even know where I was going plus I realised that by walking I was as bad as him so I went back.

During the course of the day I asked him several times to talk to me, each time he said he didn’t want to talk about it and his mind was made up so there was no point. I asked if he really meant it and he said did I think he would joke about something like that, I said no but I wondered if it was just a reaction and he would change his mind once he’d had a chance to talk about it. He laughed and said if i thought that I was crazy and that it was a ridiculous suggestion.

He went out that night and feeling very alone and needing some support and advice I text a couple of my closest friends and my sister to tell them that he wanted to leave. ALL of them replied saying they were sorry and giving suggestions of how to get him to talk to me. They all said they hoped it wasn’t final.

Yesterday I asked again if he was ready to talk. He said it wasn’t a case of being ready but he had nothing to say but I could talk if I wanted. All the time I was talking he avoided looking at me and stared at the tv. In the end I asked him to please look at me because I found it really difficult to talk to him when he wasn’t looking at me and I thought it was actually quite disrespectful. He said that was why we had no future because I treated him like a child. I said that i didn’t consciously do that and sorry if the way I spoke made him think that. He still didn’t make eye contact. I felt like everything I was saying he was twisting back to be my fault eg I didn’t feel like we had had equal chance to recover from our illness, it’s my fault for not showing him I appreciated him helping; I felt like he was bullying me into getting the implant, my fault for not just going and getting it etc. We finally agreed that it was worth giving it another chance and the rest of the afternoon passed fairly quietly. I got dinner ready and me and the dc sat down waiting for dh to come and join us. After about 5 minutes he stormed in and shouted “I see you told all your friends what happened, I looked through your phone, why did you do that, how dare you tell them, it’s none of their business. I never want to see any of them again” . DS started crying so I picked him up and dh said see you don’t even have an excuse, you know you were completely unreasonable. I said that no I didn’t think it was wrong to tell a few friends that my husband wanted to leave me and that i had turned to them for support when something life changing happened to me. He then went to storm out raised his fist and said get out of my way before I hit you (I was still holding ds). As he left he called “Now you’ve made me shout and swear in front of the kids and I said I’d never do that and it’s all your fault”.
All morning he completely blanked me then this afternoon I got him to talk to me and he basically says that it is my fault, he does x because I say y, he does z because I’ve done a etc. He says even if we do stay together he never wants to see any of my friends or my sister again. We are supposed to all be going on a family holiday next month but he says he isn’t going and if I go he knows I’ll just be telling them everything about him hmm. He thinks I completely overreacted to tell anyone, whatever he says to me now he knows he is really saying to all my friends. When I tried to explain to him that I don’t tell them about every argument we have but that to me him leaving me was different he just cut me off and said that i should have known he hadn’t fully decided and that I have humiliated him and made him feel naked. He is now back to ignoring me and I know he is fully capable of keeping it up for months, after dd was born he didn’t speak to me for almost a year other than to ask how she’d been that day, if I’d been to m&t, if we’d had dinner etc-so conversation yes, but no real communication.

So where do I go from here? On the one hand, I don’t want to break our family up, on the other I can’t see us ever being happy together unless things majorly change. I’m sick of being blamed for everything and it always being my fault.

OnYGo Sun 13-Sep-09 17:23:06

God sorry that's a novel. Didn't realise it was so long blush. Started off as just the bare facts then I added more in so as not to do aibu by stealth.

If anyone gets through it advice welcome.

BonsoirAnna Sun 13-Sep-09 17:23:45

You are obviously very distressed. Your post makes quite difficult reading, as it is very long and anecdotal. Have you been to any kind of couples therapy/counselling?

OnYGo Sun 13-Sep-09 17:27:41

Yes sorry about that blush

He won't do any kind of counselling for two reasons 1) He thinks if it has got that far it's not worth saving and 2)He works in mental health so knows most of the counsellors in the area, some of them socially.

BonsoirAnna Sun 13-Sep-09 17:29:28

How about you do some counselling on your own? You might gain some clarity - your post is quite unwieldy (sorry!) which I take as an indication that you are very confused.

wilkos Sun 13-Sep-09 17:30:44

i read the whole lot.

you need to ask him to leave. you both need space and he sounds unhinged.

you sound like a very reasonable person to me.

btw, he didnt speak to you for a year shock

dittany Sun 13-Sep-09 17:32:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

travellingwilbury Sun 13-Sep-09 17:33:51

I would be leaving him and not waiting around for months just in case he happens to change his mind and do you a favour by staying .

I am sorry but he sounds like a bully and you sound very unhappy .

BennyAndJoon Sun 13-Sep-09 17:33:56

So everything he does is your fault?

erm

NO

And what dittany said.

travellingwilbury Sun 13-Sep-09 17:34:44

Did you really not have a proper conversation for a yr after one of your children were born ? That is nuts

OnYGo Sun 13-Sep-09 17:35:39

Yes it is probably something I should do. I do feel as though I don't know where to turn, one minute I just want to run off and never see him again (eg when he threatens me or makes out I am to blame for everything), other times I think, he's a great dad, we have a nice house (albeit rented), we can get along well if we try so why would I want to lose that?

It was cathartic writing all of that out though, just feel sorry for all of you having to try and read itsmile

travellingwilbury Sun 13-Sep-09 17:37:09

But you can have the nice house without him , and it will be a much nicer to be in without him in IMHO

wilkos Sun 13-Sep-09 17:37:17

and he works in mental health shock but he thinks counselling is pointless hmm

OnYGo Sun 13-Sep-09 17:37:38

"I'm wondering if you've written such a long post because you feel you have to justify how difficult you are finding living with him because you are being very undermined and blamed here."

spot on

travellingwilbury Sun 13-Sep-09 17:37:59

much nicer house

OnYGo Sun 13-Sep-09 17:39:51

Counselling for other people is fine, if that's what they want to do. He does think couples counselling is a bit pointless though.

dittany Sun 13-Sep-09 17:40:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dittany Sun 13-Sep-09 17:41:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OnYGo Sun 13-Sep-09 17:42:33

About the conversation thing...I was so completely wrapped up and absorbed in dd that it didn't bother me for quite a long time. He says I shut him out and he wasn't needed then.

OnYGo Sun 13-Sep-09 17:43:41

I wouldn't even know how to leave

cathcat Sun 13-Sep-09 17:43:49

I agree, he should go and live somewhere else for a trial period. You both need some space and he is treating you very badly IMO. You may find you are happier without him actually.

travellingwilbury Sun 13-Sep-09 17:44:31

That sounds like an excuse to me , I was well and truly in a baby bubble with all 3 of my children but my dh soon told me about it and said that he wanted to be involved , not only with the baby but in my life as well .

He should have made the effort

BalloonSlayer Sun 13-Sep-09 17:50:53

I don't think your post is unwieldy, or confused.

Sorry for what you are going through.

Would he leave if you asked him to? Or do you think his constant threats to leave are just to punish you? He seems to punish you a lot.

OnYGo Sun 13-Sep-09 17:52:52

I don't think him leaving is an option. He has said that he didn't mean it and anyway as he pays the rent he would only leave if I left too (ie we handed in our notice and found separate places to live). I only live in this town because of his work but going anywhere else would really disrupt the dc wouldn't it? I don't want to upset them, they both love their dad so much.

dittany Sun 13-Sep-09 17:56:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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