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How to deal with a friendship that seems to be over

(7 Posts)
Travellerintime Sun 13-Sep-09 10:54:21

I have a friend I've known for years, with whom I've shared lots, partied with before we had children, been on holiday with, helped each other out with childcare... you get the picture.

Anyway, it's been a gradual thing, but this friendship seems to be disappearing. This year I've hardly seen her; whenever I email or text she takes ages to reply and then we never end up getting together. It was my birthday in April, and she suggested taking me out for a drink... it still hasn't happened.

I feel I've got pretty strong signals, that for her, the friendship is over, she's moved on. I do have other important friends in my life, but I can't help feeling sad about losing an old friend, plus insecure feelings of why... did she not really value our friendship?

I know I need to move on, and just enjoy the other friendships I have, but it is slightly complicated by the fact that DH is v good friends ( in fact best friends) with her DH. So she'll still be part of our life.

Any words of wisdom please on how to move on from this?

oneofapair Sun 13-Sep-09 11:03:18

It looks to me as if the friendship cannot be over in the sense that you will not see or interact with her again. She will just move into the second division of friends who are nice to see from time to time but who are not central to your emotional well being.

Sometimes it can be very difficult to judge exactly what degree of friendship does exist. Some people I thought were close to my late twin have never been in touch since she died while others have been so supportive that I think I might never be able to repay the debt I own them.

Travellerintime Sun 13-Sep-09 11:05:49

Yes oneofapair, that's maybe the difficult thing. I will see her again and interact with her, because of circumstances.

I just feel upset and insecure about why an old friendship that meant a lot to me had to go this way.

bluejeans Sun 13-Sep-09 11:13:47

I feel for you as been through this too. It could be a phase, I have a few friends with whom I really thought our friendship was over but given a couple of years things are back on track, if not quite the same as before

Could it be that she's going through a difficult time and maybe finding it easier to talk to another friend for whatever reason? Or she's jealous/resentful of you for some reason?

Travellerintime Sun 13-Sep-09 11:19:20

I know she's v busy (but who isn't?). Not sure about jealous or resentful - she's actually had a lot of success in her professional life lately whereas I'm a SAHM, so can't quite see this.

We do live further away than we used to - although NOT that far. DC go to different schools, and now dd has started school I see how you start to get enmeshed in school life/school friendships. But still...

Hassled Sun 13-Sep-09 11:22:12

I think lots of friendships have peaks and troughs - I have a friend with whom I was once really close, and then for a very long time most of a year could go by before we spoke/texted. Now suddenly we're both a lot more interested in maintaining contact and have become close again. There wasn't ever a falling out, we just had different pre-occupations for a while. So don't assume this is necessarily the end of the closeness - as you get older sometimes friendships just end up this way. Put it aside for a while, let her know you still care about her, and see what happens.

ilovespagbol Mon 14-Sep-09 20:48:36

Some people you know for are friends for a reason, some for a season, some forever. A friend (for a season) told me that one. Some seasons last a long time, but not forever. You never know how things might change. smile.

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