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I know many of you have been there, I'm in the heartache of DH only wanting one DC and me desperate for one more, we are at an impasse

(5 Posts)
longtermfamilyplanning Sun 13-Sep-09 10:45:29

DH and I have been married 8 years, DS is 3. We always said we werent sure if we would have 1 or 2 children. After DS we went through a little while where we said 2 then changed our minds and said just 1.

Anyway I have really come to the certain place where I know I want one more child. I do not want another biological child, I want to adopt. I have many, many reasons for this that I guess arent particularly relevant to this thread? DH does not have a problem with adopting at all and understands my reasons and shares their sentiment but he only wants one child, full stop.

I dont know what to do. I am 30 and I am positive this is what I want to do. I feel too young in part to let the Father Christmas myths go, I want another child to love and take care of and worry about. There are so many reasons I could list them all but not sure how it would help here. The point is I am positive I want to adopt a child. We are attending our introduction evening to adopt within our county in October, he is happy to attend in case something changes how he feels but he thinks that is unlikely.

I just feel like I'm living on a knife's edge. What are we going to do if neither of us changes how we feel? It is such a huge thing isnt it. Of course I would never want to force him to have a child he wasnt thrilled about having, clearly that would be wrong. But it would be equally wrong to deprive me of a child I want to love and care for so much. I just dont know how to handle this.

DH and I are very much in love and very good friends. I wont lie I am scrambling around trying to think how can I make him feel the way I feel, not "how can I make myself feel the way he feels" which is hypocritical I know. All I can say is the urge to adopt this future child is as strong for me as the urge to conceive DS was, and we tried for him for 4 years. So it is a hard thing to temper down.

Thanks for your help

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

madamy Sun 13-Sep-09 10:49:48

I'm sorry you're going through this. From the experience of close friends, the adoption process is long and arduous and if your DH was even the slightest bit unsure, the process would quickly pick up on this due to the nature of the questions you are asked etc.
Have you considered joint counselling to try and work through both of your reasons for wanting/not wanting another child?

longtermfamilyplanning Sun 13-Sep-09 10:52:58

if anything he would be more adamant as I had a terrible pregnancy/birth that really upset him.

I want to adopt for so many reasons, too many to list atm as I am about to rush out the door (will be back later) but in a nutshell - DS is very loved and has a wonderful life. We are not wealthy at all so I dont mean wonderful life like that but I just mean loved and safe and lots of people around who dote on him and neat experiences all the time. We have a lot to give a child. And I want to give it to a child who would not have it otherwise. I had a terrible childhood and I know what it feels to feel unwanted and I would be very grateful if I could make that right for one small person.

There are lots more reasons but that is probably the strongest. Basically - I want to give everything we would give any child of ours to a child who needs it. A hypothetical 2nd biological child of ours doesnt even exist yet nor would they.

longtermfamilyplanning Sun 13-Sep-09 10:54:48

I have to run out will be back later! thank you! And you are right I know that the social workers will suss out if DH isnt on board which is why I know there is no point going ahead with him being ambivalent even if I wanted to do that - which I dont.

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