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friendships - feeling sad

(16 Posts)
wheniwishuponastar Sun 13-Sep-09 09:34:12

Hi, sorry i couldn't work out where to put this.

Basically after some childhood issues I stopped focusing on friendships (early twenties) and became a bit of a workaholic until i had a nervous breakdown

That was about six years ago. I've been slowly building my life back again, and realising the error of my ways.

My dp of eight years proposed earlier in the year and my initial reaction was - i need at least two years so i can get my friendships a bit more sorted!

my dp wasn't up for that. and as i'm in my early thirties i thought well maybe its good to do it sooner so that i dont put off having babies for too long.

i have been putting more effort into my friendships, but these things take time, or they seem to for me anyway.

i don't have any siblings or cousins either.

i went over to one of my very best and oldest friends get together for her three bridesmaids last night.
one of the others made a list of all of the friends to come to the hen do. it was about 30 girls. i feel so depressed as mine is only about 11.

i feel really upset. i can't do anything about all those years i shied away from friendships.

don't know what to do.

FluffySaysTheDailyMailsShite Sun 13-Sep-09 09:38:10

sad

The easiest and best way is to join a club, something that you are interested in, this way you will meet people who like the same thing as you. smile

Do remember that it's quality not quantity wink Having a load of 'friends' is all well and good but if you have no one to turn to when you need a true friend then there's no point.

TheBolter Sun 13-Sep-09 09:40:27

Friendships take time and perseverance. It takes years to cultivate solid friendships and really, you only need a few in life. Some friends are with you forever and some fade in and out of your life. Focus on your few long term friends and the rest will follow.

You may 'only' have eleven coming to your hen do but that sounds like quite a fair few to me! You mustn't compare friendships with your friends, even though it's easy to if you are feeling hung up about it anyway. Some people seem to have about a million friends but very often they only have a handful of people they would consider to be real friends. No one has time for thirty 'real' friends anyway!

helpivegottogivebirth Sun 13-Sep-09 09:40:52

i only had 4 friends at my hen do! At one had to leave early because of an emergency. Don't sweat it.

poshsinglemum Sun 13-Sep-09 09:49:40

Eleven friends is fine. I only have one or two who I can count as truly trusted friends and then quite a few friends who aren't so tight with me.

FluffySaysTheDailyMailsShite Sun 13-Sep-09 09:52:30

Same here posh, I have few friends I really trust, the rest are just superficial IYSWIM.

groundhogs Sun 13-Sep-09 10:05:36

I had 2, one my sister, the other, her best friend... My BF bailed on me that weekend, it was the end of our friendship..

If those 11 friends are people you love dearly, and know that love you, you are truly blessed!

If you have a smaller number, you can do something really special for your hen-night! If you have a cast of thousands, it just has to be a big impersonal venue, and you won't get much, if any, personal time with them.

Turn your 'negative' into a positive, you can have a truly magical hen do!

wheniwishuponastar Sun 13-Sep-09 10:19:37

ok good way of looking at it groundhogs.

thanks for all your helpful comments everyone.

WinkyWinkola Sun 13-Sep-09 10:28:32

Eleven? That's loads!

There is no way one can be proper, close friends with 30 people. Nobody on earth has the time for that.

Stop comparing numbers. That's daft. Think about each of those eleven people and your friendship with then and why you are good pals - what great qualities they have etc.

bluejeans Sun 13-Sep-09 10:56:42

Don't worry about this

30 is too many for a hen night, I'd much rather go to one with 11. I had a meal for 1o then about 6 of us went on to a pub then club - perfect. Is your friend quite competitive and putting you under presure? You don't need three bridesmaids either

Congratulations by the way!

SqueezyCheese Sun 13-Sep-09 11:03:40

Don't be comparing yourself to other people because there will always be people who appear to have more/bigger/better. Some people like to have every Tom, Dick and Harry at these things and pother people just like to have a few close friends. Just do your own thing and be happy.

11 friends is fine and quality is way better than quantity smile

wheniwishuponastar Sun 13-Sep-09 11:06:48

yes, i would rather go to one with less than 30, even for hers, because i won't get to see her at all if its that many people. i agree its too many for a hen night. but im sure they wont all come. its just that she could come up with 30 names. i know she doesnt see them all the time. its just she could name a handful from each place she'd studied at, etc. that she'd like to invite. i guess it just reminded me of the times when i really wasn't into making new friends, or when i went to places that i wasn't really happy with, i guess that's what makes me feel sad.
she isnt competitive really. though she is having a very traditional big wedding. i am not. i am happy with all my aspects of my wedding, but this touched a nerve with me.

she isn't competitive, but she has always been sociable. whatever has been going on in her life, she always has a few friends around. she never usually worked that hard (though she does now), at work or at school or uni, just focused on being relaxed. which is what i am trying to do now! i guess no one is perfect.

but yes, i find it hard to have the mental space for lots of friends. or time in the day to keep up with everyone. or to arrange to see people. i guess i could meet up with people in groups rather than one on one.

i know its silly to compare, but im just trying to get myself into a healthy emotional state, and i think having some good friendships is part of that. (sorry to sound a bit cold and clinical about it. but if it doesn't come naturally then i kind of have to make myself to begin with.)

sayithowitis Sun 13-Sep-09 19:16:43

Hubdreds of years ago when I left junior school, I had a little book that I asked all the teachers to sign.I no longer have the book, but I do remember that one of them wrote the most touching verse about friendships:

True friends are like diamonds,
precious and rare,
False ones, like autumn leaves
are found everywhere.

At the time I didn't really understand it, but I have never forgotten it and over the years, I have been reminded of it many, many times.

I wish you luck and happiness.smile

QuintessentialShadows Sun 13-Sep-09 19:20:52

11 friends??? Blimmin' heck!

I have 3 good friends. A few more aquaintances. I guess I could possibly scrape together 8-10 friends for a hen do...

You cant really concentrate or focus on being a good friend for 30 people. I can only about muster being a good friend for 3 people.

I made most of my friends after I had children, as pregnancy and motherhood is a good way of making friends. Through NCT classes, through post natal groups, ante natal yoga, and after the baby is born, coffee mornings. grin

KIMItheThreadSlayer Sun 13-Sep-09 19:35:15

Let it go, enjoy the friends you have and don't put off your wedding until you have sorted out your friendships, thats just daft.

wheniwishuponastar Sun 13-Sep-09 21:32:58

thanks girls... i am enjoying reading your comments!

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