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My bf husbands having an affair.........................................

(28 Posts)
Trix1 Fri 03-Jun-05 15:34:19

I have such a lovely friend whos husband keeps cheating on her, he would chat up anyone no matter how close to home. He has come close on at least three occasions to being caught out and he lies through his teeth. He is a great liar and even if people know he has been unfaithfull they are too frightened to say because of the repurcusions. My friend has given him such a fantastic life and three fantastic children and he knows if she left him he would be high and dry. I dont know how he does it but girls take him up on his offer and then he manages to cover up his deceipt.

My friend suspects I know more about a recent liaison with a girl we both know and although I have heard things nothing has been confirmed and now my friend feels she cant trust me as I keep things from her. What do I do?

teeavee Fri 03-Jun-05 16:17:25

Does your friend know that her husband cheats on her regularly, or does she think this is a one-off?

You really have to talk to her and insist that you don't know any more and that she has to trust you, that you're on her side.

her husband sounds like a major t**t, but I have to say that any woman who gets off with a married letch like that must be either v. lonely or v. sad too

Trix1 Fri 03-Jun-05 16:21:00

Hi teeavee, He does it on a regular basis but she has no idea - she has become suspicous a few times but he has managed to lie his way out of it. Do I risk the consequences and tell her what I do know or keep quiet. He is the type that would get very aggressive if he thought someone had told his wife what has been going on.

koalabear Fri 03-Jun-05 16:22:28

was once in similar situation Trix - I approached the husband and said " .... by the way, i know about xxxx, and xxxx, and xxxxx .... - I heard from a third party - if I know, how long to you think it will take for someone to tell you wife, so you do it before someone else does and then at least you get to do it on your terms and possible salvage your marriage"

i continued to be friend to BF, and continued to listen, nod, but not give any judgemental comment or impart gossip - i didn't want to risk alienated her as a friend (people always blame the messenger) as I knew she would need me when she found out truth

he told her, and they went to counselling, and now they have a very strong marriage

LemonDrizzle Fri 03-Jun-05 16:23:17

tell your friend. my bf keeps quiet about things to do with my dp and the more she does it, the more we drift apart. I barely speak to her now.

I would definitely tell your friend if she thinks you know. I guess it comes down to where your priorities lie.

teeavee Fri 03-Jun-05 16:24:45

looks like you've got yur answer, trix!
koala has done what we all should probably do in these situations.
hope he's not too scary for that, though....

Trix1 Fri 03-Jun-05 16:27:17

My priorities definetly lie with her but he would lie that black was white and you would find your self in the situation where you get the blame for causing trouble in a marriage. If he was not such an intimidating person it would be easier to stand up to him. He has a lot to lose and would make you out to me the liar.

teeavee Fri 03-Jun-05 16:27:32

i think it;s im,portant not to give judgmental comments, though - koalabear is right there. Your friend is hughly likely to resent any interference,however well-meaning, in her relationship, even if she doesn't say so to you openly. I know I would. You have to be there for her, but not be the harbinger of bad news, if poss.

Trix1 Fri 03-Jun-05 16:30:10

She says that she expects honesty from her friends especially as she knows he is such a liar and has caught him out in the past she just needs something concrete so she can stand up to him. He tells blatant lies and she thinks is it her going completely mad. People outside the circle that know of them say she is a fool for putting up with it but I can see how he totally hoodwinks her.

teeavee Fri 03-Jun-05 16:30:28

what a %£&%^&.
The main thing is to maintain your friend's trust in you. Show her you care - go out for a meal with just her, have a laugh, show her how important she is to you as a friend.

koalabear Fri 03-Jun-05 16:30:30

it is really hard to stand up to men like that - after all, they've got away with what they are doing by lying - it's second nature to them and they will naturely and without batting an eyelid say "no, it's not me", which is what my friend's husband did - i just stood my ground and said "i'm not an idiot x - you can lie to me all you want - i don't care - i do care about xx (friend) and what happens to her - it will be better on her, if the truth comes from you rather than from someone else - make up your mind before somebody else makes it up for you"

he still bleated, but he did tell her

Trix1 Fri 03-Jun-05 16:32:50

Koala bear - with anyone else I would be able to do exactly as you did, but this Guy would turn on me or even my husband - he has already threatened the girl he has supposedly been with that if she open her mouth again he will permanently shut it for her. He is a complete nutter when rialed.

koalabear Fri 03-Jun-05 16:34:51

oooooo - how awful - why does your friend want to stay with a man like that? ok, so we need different solution

can girl he had affair with tell wife? horrid husband can't actually "shut her up" - slightly illegal, and girl should tell police for verbal abuse and threat

koalabear Fri 03-Jun-05 16:37:13

anyone else got any suggestions that doesn't involve telling the husband or telling the wife ??? we need third party intervention without husband causing bodily hard to anybody .....

koalabear Fri 03-Jun-05 16:38:10

hire private investigator who will take pictures and annonymously give to wife ???

HappyDaddy Fri 03-Jun-05 16:39:14

If you tell your friend, couldn't you both confront him together? That way he can't intimidate you both so well?

Trix1 Fri 03-Jun-05 16:42:43

I am just reading back over the thread and it sounds like a scenario out of Eastenders or somewhere mad and I am laughing out loud to myself.

But this is serious. I have in the past along with other close friends suggested the private detective thing and as money is no object I wonder is she just frightened to have all her worst fears confirmed. Why do sane, intelligent women put up with this and then become insane and daft?

koalabear Fri 03-Jun-05 16:45:11

perhaps she does know deep in her heart, but is not ready to face it yet

LemonDrizzle Fri 03-Jun-05 16:45:44

If you know the other women well could you not get her and your friend in a room and stand up to him together... I don't know how well that would wash you'd have to know the people really well and it absolutely would be the end of their maiiage..

Trix1 Fri 03-Jun-05 16:55:18

I know the other girl well, she admits he tried it on with her but denies it went any further. I have heard from another source that they did meet????? This girl is going to deny it as her reputation is at risk but she has been in similar situations before.

Blondeinlondon Fri 03-Jun-05 17:06:20

Okay you have heard things but you don't know for sure. Why don't you explain to your friend that yes you heard mumours about her husband but you don't know if they were true or not you thought it best not to say anything to her?
At least you are being honest with her and her husband can't say you have been telling stories about him
Best of luck

mogwai Fri 03-Jun-05 17:25:12

If you know or suspect there's something going on, can you give her the information and let her find out for herself? For example, try to find out where he's meeting these girls so she can follow him?

It's an awful position to be in, happened in our circle of friends a couple of years ago, though it was the woman having the affair and she didn't threaten us. We asked lots of people what we ought to do and the overwhelming theme was that the messenger will always get shot. In the end we didn't tell him what was going on but we did fall out with the wife because we just don't have room in our lives for people who treat others so badly.

We later saw the husband at a party. He thought it was worng of us to fall out with his ex-wife, he actually still loved her and felt sorry that she was losing her friends, so even though we were showing solidarity with him, he didn't see it that way, or didn't want it.

Your friend may think she wants you to tell her, but you can't guarantee where your friendship will lie afterwards. I'd ask her to keep you out of her business and keep a distance from the situation, for what it's worth

Trix1 Fri 03-Jun-05 20:41:16

I think she knows but just needs it spelling out to her. I feel that I am losing two friendships over this. I just find it all very draining.

Tortington Sat 04-Jun-05 01:04:54

what is going on within a marriage or rumours about a marriage are none of your concern. no matter how you package it you will be doing no one any favours and making things almost imposible for a friendship to continue to exist.

if she thinks ( rightly) that you know more than you are saying, then i am afraid you are discussing altogether the wrong things. you should tell your friend that you feel uncomfortable discussing her relationship.

the only person who will look like the bad bastard - will be you.

mytwopenceworth Sat 04-Jun-05 13:23:29

what an awful situation to be in. everyone is different but all i know is if my dh was unfaithful i would want to know. the thought of other people knowing something like that and looking at me and i dont know whats going on..... it is actually a worse thought than him just being unfaithful! i would feel humiliated that everyone knew except me. i personally would not be mad with the person who told me. i would however, take dh to a shed, securely trap his todger in a vice and set fire to the shed, having left him with only a dull rusty knive and 2 choices - hack it off or burn!

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