finding dp hard to live with(9 Posts)
ok i think this is going to be a long one.
for a while now i've been finding my dp really hard to live with for several reasons.
firstly, before i fell pregnant with dd we had a very healthy sex life (ie 2-3 times a day - sorry tmi) for the first few months of our relationship. hardly surprising i got pregnant really lol. anyway, when i got pregnant my sex drive went down to zilch and hasn't really come back up since i had dd in april.
it sounds awful but he kept pestering me for sex when dd was about 2 weeks old. i got the implant when she was 3 weeks and waited until she was 4 weeks old before we did it, even though i didn't feel ready and it really hurt (has done ever since). i'm constantly tired cos dd is getting up more in the night now that she's 5 months but he just doesn't seem to get that because i'm so tired i really can't be dealing with having to get horny.
and he always thinks he's right. he can be really arrogant and selfish and if i want to do something and he doesnt then we don't do it. he can't compromise. for instance, we're looking for black-out blinds/curtains for dd's room. i want blinds cos i think they'll block out the light better but he says absolutely not, curtains block out the light better, even though because they go in front of the window recess thing there'll still be light coming in but he just won't hear my point of view.
he refuses point blank to do night feeds because he has work the next day (even though the earliest he starts is 11am) and when i can't get dd to stop crying and ask him to have a go he'll go into her room for about a minute before coming back in and saying 'you can try'.
he also wakes up in a mood quite often. i don't know what i've done but if i try and talk to him he'll either ignore me or have a big go at me which is really humiliating.
he is a lovely guy, and i do love him so much and i know i have my faults too, like forgetting to put things away and not picking up after myself at times, but i do try and he can see i'm trying but its just not good enough.
i don't know what to do. i'm suffering from post-natal depression which isn't helping and his doc has suggested he may be depressed too which also doesnt help. i keep imagining my life without him and sometimes it looks lovely but other times i just can't bear the thought of it.
just had to get this stuff off my chest. sorry for the big rant.
I've had one of these
I don't really know what to advise you if I'm honest - I put up with it for another 6 years after that, so there's no instant fix.
To me, he's purely selfish. It's all about him, he's been usurped by the baby and all that goes with that. To be treating you in this way is disrespectful.
Going on my own personal experience, his attitude is unlikely to change. What was he like before the baby was born? Emotionally and practically? Did he help you with stuff?
I'm going to be slightly controversial and say - bollocks to his depression for now I'm afraid. This is you time. If he can't be supportive now, when you need him most, then that will stay with you forever.
thanks. that's really put it in perspective. before dd was born he was wonderful. really helpful with everything. i mean he still is sometimes. he does most of the housework but he just doesnt get my emotions.
he's also a very sensitive person - easy to anger and get upset (he's inherited that from his dad) but i am too so its probably just a personality clash. i also don't stick up for myself. i've always been taught that it's bad manners to speak your mind and i find it hard to argue or say no. i just shut up. and if he's trying to prove a point and i stop arguing he just carries on going on and on. i dunno. i do want to stay with him. i just want him to understand how i feel physically and emotionally and i don't know how to do it. i might write him a letter cos i clam up when i try to talk about my feelings and don't make any sense.
again thanks for your reply. just needed to let it out. x
Laurajess, that's weird I could have written your post myself as I'm in a very similar situation. My DD started hassling me for sex about two weeks after our DD's birth and literally tried to put it in against my will several times, in the end I gave in four weeks after giving birth. I had quite a difficult labour and had to have stitches and I was so worried that things were still noy "right" down there and that the stitches would come apart. In fact I did bleed and it was uncomfortable but he didn't seem to care that much.
As for feeding, same thing as you really but I never dare to question the arrangement as he does have to work during the day (although shouldn't taking care of a baby be regarded as work too?) In the evenings, when the baby cries and I ask him to take her off me for a while he'll either play with her for a few mionutes or just hold her while surfing the internet and if she's still crying after a few minutes he'll hand her back to me saying "she wants mummy"
Re PND, have you been to see your GP? Have you thought about counselling? I managed to avoid PND purely because I got depressed during pregnancy and I've been taking ADs ever since. I don't think I could cope without them. I hope things get better for you.
Best to open a bottle of wine or do whatever the two of you used to do to connect and talk before you got pregnant.
Look at things differently. Having kids is a lifestyle choice. As humans we are the only animal that has that choice and it is a concious act whether by accident or not.
This is the life both of you chose. Having a family is an option. It is nothing to do with survival of the species, conformity, legacy, some on to look after you etc.
It is narcissism. Both narcissistic supply of love from having a child and the self gratification you get from we 'did this' this is our child and watching that child grow. You also get community approval.
There is a link on another thread to a good article on why people have kids and why highly creative and intelligent people have less.
When you look at that way - having kids is an 'alternative lifestyle'. The 'normal state' is before kids.
Because by having kids you are choosing to life differently - changes to your schedule, finances, responsibilities, lifestyle, diet, sleeping paterns, sex life - EVERYTHING!
Both of you need to understand that and make changes. He signed up to nightime feedings and diaper changing along with everything else.
Largely what we think and feel is a product of life experiences, conditioning and brain chemistry.
The child didn't just happen. You two made it happen. You did it and now all that comes with having that child needs to be dealt with.
Look at every problem as something to be solved not an obstacle.
Find out why sex is painful and do something to fix it. Fix your sex drive - you had it once and you can get it back.
Say - ok I am fine with the blinds but you need to find a way to keep the light out.
My husband didn't want me tiling the bathroom floor and wanted carpet because he didnt want cold floors. I now have tile with underfloor heating!
Depression is bio-chemical and it too has a solution.
Every problem has a solution and requires a concious decision. Try not to make curtains an emotional issue.
Sorry that was supposed to be "My DH started hassling me for sex"...
"he is a lovely guy"
hmmm... I would refute that. He sounds like a git.
You need to start standing up for yourself.
lovely guy ?
any guy that hassles a post-partum lady for sex before she is ready is an absolute twat
selfishness taken to the extreme
the rest of your post just seems to support the fact that he thinks he is number one and you are there to service and worship his knob
me like this make me sick (and I love men)
Just ran this past DP - his verdict ? 'Selfish cunt !'
You should not even be thinking about sex for 6 weeks after the baby is born.
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