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bad boys and why are they so damn attractive?

(16 Posts)
danielcleaverlover Sat 12-Sep-09 16:28:48

Basically id anyone can help me with this id really appreciate it.
Im dating again after getting divorced. You would have thought i would have learn my lesson... but no. It seems im still drawn to the bad boy. I dont mean bad as in prison/drugs/violence bad. But bad as in over confident, arrogant, think daniel cleaver in bridget jones. I totally have a personailty type that i am drawn to and i cant help myself.
I KNOW that this is not good for me. Ive got a few dates lined up with nice guys, and i want to like them... but already i know i wont, im trying to keep an open mind. They text/call me ask how my day was and stuff... but it puts me off them...
and how can i change this?
or am i a lost cause?

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 12-Sep-09 17:53:41

No, you are not a lost cause but you're going to have to do a lot of emotional work on your own self first before embarking upon another relationship. You could well end up repeating the same mistakes and patterns as previously otherwise.

You need to love your own self fully first along with some time to heal. You cannot hope to fully love another until you fully love your own self.

Counselling for your own self would be helpful; you need to establish exactly why you are attracted to bad boys. BACP have a list of accredited counsellors and they won't cost the earth. It would be time well spent.

Often the roots of all this extends back into childhood and your own relationship with your parents, particularly your Dad. Was your Dad an arrogant or emotionally unavailable man?. Were you always after his approval, an approval that was not readily given or even available?. Of course you don't have to answer any of that but if you did say yes then you are partly there to identifying the root causes. If he left the marital home in your childhood or your parents relationship was not generally a happy one you would have picked up on all those vibes and learnt from it. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents - what did yours teach you exactly?. You need to think about that too.

Bad boys are just that - bad.

expatinscotland Sat 12-Sep-09 17:55:38

Immaturity, perhaps?

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 12-Sep-09 17:59:57

There are typically four reasons good girls fall for guys like these:

1. The impulse to perpetuate what's familiar.
Many women attracted to rogues had a father who was a little wild and rebellious. Because many girls idealize their father, they may seek a partner with similar traits. This usually isn't a conscious decision; much of the allure happens below the level of awareness. Girls may also choose these boys on the assumption that Dad will be impressed.

2. The urge to redo the father-daughter relationship.
The motivation is an attempt to revise a troubled or distant relationship with their dad. Often, attraction is fueled by unmet childhood needs from the opposite-sex parent. So if a woman chooses someone reminiscent of her father, her motivation may be to remedy childhood hurts.

3. The drive to rehabilitate or "save" a wayward man.
Simply put, many women are rescuers. It's a challenge for them to reform an incorrigible man. These women think, Sure, he gets into trouble, but I can change him! Ego is involved as well. It's inflating when a woman feels like she is the only one who can transform a man.

4. The appetite for adventure.
Other women like the excitement, thrills, and sense of danger bad boys bring. This is especially true for those who have been "good girls" all their lives. Perhaps they grew up in a family that demanded conformity and compliance with rules. So they're intrigued with men who scoff at rules and shrug off responsibility.

danielcleaverlover Sat 12-Sep-09 18:02:16

attila - no my dad was exacally the opposite of that.....
if it was something like that that would be easily to work out.

I just dont know why, they literally make me go weak at the knees...... i KNOW its wrong and i KNOW it wont work out and i KNOW they are going to be gits... but i just cant stop myself... its like a total physical reaction.....

I supose im half way there if i can recoginse it.... i just dont know what i can do about it.

I do love myself, im a very confident, happy person..... maybe sometimes i feel that i need to have someone more confident and loud than me... for some reason.. i dont know.

expat - i dont think im immature?

SqueezyCheese Sat 12-Sep-09 18:05:04

Also, the thrill of the chase. When someone is really keen and available, we might tend to ignore that because it is not very exciting.

Nice guys are great, you just haven't discovered them properly yet! smile

noddyholder Sat 12-Sep-09 18:07:48

Agree with expat.Or maybe you don 't feel you deserve someone decent.This bad boy thing always makes me laugh you will be back in 6 months wondering why he treats you so bad!

danielcleaverlover Sat 12-Sep-09 18:12:13

attila - 4. The appetite for adventure.
Other women like the excitement, thrills, and sense of danger bad boys bring. This is especially true for those who have been "good girls" all their lives. Perhaps they grew up in a family that demanded conformity and compliance with rules. So they're intrigued with men who scoff at rules and shrug off responsibility.

ah - thats it - well done you! - so not such a mystery after all! LOL

Noddy - no, i know i deserve someone better, and i wont be back in 6 months time wondering why some bad guy treats me badly. I wont want to be involved with a bad boy again.... i wanted to know why i was so damn attracted to them.... and how i go about changing that.

hatesponge Sat 12-Sep-09 18:17:53

I would definitely second the excitement thing - growing up I was very serious, uptight, far too intelligent/intellectual for my own good - nice boys tbh were a bit scared of me, it was only the egotistical shitbags who thought they were gods gift who weren't intimidated by me... and in return I thought they were fun because they were so different hmm

However after all kinds of crap over the years am now leaning towards a nice man, who is very lovely & I think I actually do like, even if at first I thought he was simply TOO nice for me ever to be interested.... grin

skihorse Sat 12-Sep-09 18:27:01

danielcleaver Get hold of the timeless "Women who love to much" - it's a whole book full of Atilla words of wisdom.

You can break the cycle... and I hate to say it because I don't want to sound like I'm kicking you when you're down - but I think to a degree it is a sign of immaturity, that is: emotional immaturity.

I'm with a "nice man" now and never felt more content. (Dated Daniel Cleaver and his twin though. And their cousins. )

Morosky Sat 12-Sep-09 18:38:39

I married a bad boy, he treated me like a princess for years but I always knew he had it in him. We divorced and I made a conscious decision not to get involved with another one. I spent a lot of time reflecting on my previous relationship and why I found him attractive.

In my past bad boys have always made me go weak at the knees but as a grown woman especially if you have children you have to decide what man will make you and your child happy and make your choice accordingly.

8oreighty Sat 12-Sep-09 18:40:37

Don't you think you might be actively seeking out something temporary? After a divorce you might not want to get into anything too serious...and with a bad boy you know you won't. Maybe that's part of the attraction.

danielcleaverlover Sat 12-Sep-09 18:47:53

morosky - exacally - thats excally the reason why i started this thread.... i dont want to be involved with a bad boy agian - esp not as ive got a child. ( and a DD who i want to set good examples to )

8oreightly - no, its not that - its what ive been attracted to my whole life.....

So - next question... do you think you can choose to change who/what you fancy?
Or, say i ended up meeting this nice guy, who was lovely, and who i liked a LOT - and say maybe i grew to love him... but would there be a little bit in the back of my mind still after a bad boy? ... like are you preprogrammed to like certain looks/qualities... like some men like blondes best ... or have a preference on boob size? or some women like tall men or... etc... etc..?

FabBakerGirlIsBack Sat 12-Sep-09 18:49:40

You can help yourself. You choose who you want to go out with.

I have had a few bad boys and would drop the good ones very easily.

Then I grew up and married an excellent man.

noddyholder Sat 12-Sep-09 18:53:35

I think the 'bad boy is exciting'is a myth really as they are usually very predictable in what they do and you generally know how things will end up whereas a true good man is constantly surprising you and in reality that is far more exciting

8oreighty Sat 12-Sep-09 19:02:13

Think got to look at - how exactly they are 'bad' in relation to you...which bit of what they do makes you decide they are bad. Do they belittle you? do you feel like they don't liek you that's probably quite specific...then figure out why you crave being made to feel that way.

Also you might just not be attraced to the nice guys you've met which is fair might not only be because they are nice to you. But if you're not attracted to someone and then they are really nice it does make you feel a bit sick.

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