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Should i stay now things have changed a bit?

(10 Posts)
SevernTrentWater Sat 12-Sep-09 12:16:26

Situation has changed, again!
I really don't care about pride, i just want to know where he's coming from and what is going to best obtain the goal - getting him to make a decision and be a family.

arg!this situation is driving me mad! I just don't know what to do!

my ex walked out when dd was born, didn't know if he wanted to be a dad or not, thinks he'd be a crap one, doesn't like kids and is a massive commitment phobe (has a hard time even commiting to signing a lease when homeless lol). Obviously i want him to be a family with us but he 'wants a year' to focus on his project and figure out what he wants so he doesn't walk out on us again which makes sense. We're in a horrible limbo now though. We're doing counselling (his request)and since we've started he's become more interested in dd, wants a relationship with her etc (albeit because it's hard to explain to others he has a daughter he never sees.)

I was planning on moving 100s of miles away for childcare reasons and to be near family, a big, sad move for me as i don't like the city where they live and my home is right here, but i can see the practicality, it's only temporary and i can come back in 6 months... However since deciding that the ex and i see each other regularly, are kind of 'using' each other for sex which still feels like a relationship, to me it feels like boyfriend/girlfriend not living together (and it is his way to 'gravitate' into things, because he is a commitment phobe, that way it doesn't feel like he had to make a choice), so now i am totally confused as to whether moving away is 'right' in sight of my goal of creating a family. What i do now could throw away that hope. He says if i move we'll still see each other but that staying here would be much easier as we'd both have to travel hours on a train each way (i'm not sure what his feelings towards dd are actually, he always goes silent when i ask) my mum is angry at me for wanting to 'stay for his sake' because she doesn't like him for messing me around but i'm worried out of sight is out of mind when things seem to be improving (it's only been 6 weeks before she was born), we would have to stop the counselling too. However, if i am here, am i almost 'too' available? I don't know, does he need to make a decision? wanting to move into a nice house with me in 6 months when his lease is up so he has somewhere to live, sleep with me (and yes we do still love each other), and see his daughter...doesn't sound like he's using me, that sounds like the basis of a relationship to me...but if i leave he might forget abut 'us' (we've agreed not to see/sleep with anyone else for at least a year.) and enjoy his single life way more and then in 6 months have found 'friends' to move in with and just prolong this limbo further, and not get used to having a child in his life.
He says he'll look after dd regularly if i stay, (but he's unreliable compared to family and hates babysitting because it bores him.)

I don't know, should i stay for him? He's not said he definitly wants a commitment or anything...i guess i could stay and then leave in six months, i just don't want to mess up my course if there's no one to look after dd if she's sick and i have to be elsewhere to qualify, but if he'd wanted to be a family from the off that's a sacrifice i would have made then...knowing that he was definitly going to stay with us then, so there is a still a small gamble here. I can't mess my university around as i was in the process of taking up work experience near family, so i need to be sure i'm doing the right thing now.

SevernTrentWater Sat 12-Sep-09 12:20:04

(it's only been 6 weeks before she was born) - i meant 6 weeks SINCE she was born!

noddyholder Sat 12-Sep-09 12:28:01

I would keep your plans as they are and let him change his He seems to have a lot of power and I would never trust someone who found their own child 'boring' to look after He sounds like a teenager tbh.Go home get some support from people who really care and see how you feel Good luck x

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Sat 12-Sep-09 12:28:12

Oh my god. I remember your other thread i think. No you should not stay. Nothing has changed. Yes he needs to make a decision. A decision he drifts into is not a decision. No matter if that's the way he is, he is using you, keeping you dangling with vague promises so you stay on tap where he can still get you when he wants and keep his commitment phobic crap going. If you move away he might realise what he is missing and make a decision, or he might not. Why do you want to be kept dangling like this? Give it up, he's a twat. Doesn't like babysitting? Fuck sake.

avariceandlatinos Sat 12-Sep-09 12:41:00

I can understand guys don't get a choice, this is his way of taking back some of his power in a pregnancy i'm guessing that was unplanned and that he didn't want.
Personally i think you could go back into the relationship that way,
or you could take a gamble, for your own sake as yes you could regret moving but it's not going to hinder your education at least and you can move back, and at least you'll get to know the guy really wants you though that's maybe a bit hollywood.
You also get an opportunity to stop giving mr. SELFISH what he wants all the time! you don't lose what you want, you can still have your family in 6 months, and if you don't you've still got your dd and all you've lost is a loser.

How about that?

SevernTrentWater Sat 12-Sep-09 12:43:32

he did buy me a present... :-( i think i want to make a family so much i'm losing sight of everything else?

SqueezyCheese Sat 12-Sep-09 12:46:04

If someone loves you, they won't forget about you. I wouldn't dedicate my life to this man if I were you. Don't listen to the 'talk', it is only words and it has been shwon that you cannot rely on him....he needs to walk the actual walk. Go away, have the 6 months and see what happens.

There is only one person in this life that you can rely on and that person is you. People should be in your life because they choose to be in it and because you want them to be in it. Why settle for less.

And you moving.....the travelling for hours on trains, I get the feeling it is him who is worried that he will have to travel for hours on trains.....because he knows for sure that you will do it anyway. He has you where he wants you, gives you words and not much else and can see you as and when he feels like it. You should take that power away from him and make him realise that your affections are valuable and not for free.

LuluMaman Sat 12-Sep-09 12:47:24

do what is best for you and you daughter

don't factor him in at all

if he geniunely has cahnged he will understand

it cannot be on his terms

he will agree to everything but only with caveats you say yourself he is unreliable

he wants a relationship with his child so he is not embarassed telling people why he does not see his child

to me, that says it all

why on earth have you agreed not to see anyone else, but are worried he will forget about you and him?

stop giving him so much power and carry on with your plans

SqueezyCheese Sat 12-Sep-09 12:53:51

Oh and do stop shagging him. See if he still makes the effort (and I use that word loosely as I wouldn't call his actions 'effort') if there is no sex on offer.....

SheWillBeLoved Sat 12-Sep-09 12:57:03

Completely agree with SqueezyCheese.

Don't ever lose sight of the fact that it takes more than one person to make a family work. He needs to want it as well. And work at it.

I don't think you need to go to counselling at all either, for the time being. He needs to go alone and address his own problems first. Maybe then move onto couples counselling.

You can't change somebody, just remember that. No matter how many chances you give, how much of yourself you give to making something work, how many tears you cry, how many counselling sessions you have - he has to want to change. And he owes you and everything you have done/put up with so far the respect to either say "I can't change, this is me." or "I want to change, I want a family with you, I will get the help I need to be able to have that".

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