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Family breakdown and a lot of lies

(15 Posts)
silentcatastrophe Fri 11-Sep-09 12:37:54

My mother has dementia and has become very ill recently. At the same time, it has come to light that my father has been lying about her condition and refusing appropriate help for her. Her family is becoming aware that her husband is mad. His family have always protected him to the nth degree, despite his abusing his children and his wife. My father has been lying to them as well, so that nobody has been able to help. We have effectively been watching as my father slowly kills my mother. I am afraid that if she dies under the current circumstances, there will be even greater family rifts than there already are. It's not pretty. I am effing furious that he is doing the same thing again that he did to me, and I don't know how to think.

SheWillBeLoved Fri 11-Sep-09 12:55:34

Are social services involved at all? Your mother deserves the right care, and being deprived of it just isn't an option.

Could be at all in denial about her illness? Or does he just enjoy controlling situations? Either way, he needs to realize that she needs help. Time for everyone to stop worrying about stepping on his toes and worsening rifts and help your mum.

tryingherbest Fri 11-Sep-09 13:33:49

Are you able to contact your mum's gp about this. As dementia advances I would have though that he would struggle to look after her.

It must be horrible to feel your mother is not getting the best care.

Do you live near and can you intervene. Sod what your dad's family think - if they can't/won't help then their opinion is of ZERO value - giving your mum the best quality of life is far more important.

diddl Fri 11-Sep-09 14:42:32

It´s your mother, so IMO has got FU (blush) to do with your father´s family.

silentcatastrophe Fri 11-Sep-09 17:02:12

Thank you for your replies. My mother is not getting any care at all. I spoke to Mum's memory nurse who told me that my father has been refusing care for her and that he has refused a place at a day centre on her behalf. The team have been pretty observant about their relationship and have been to their home. My father, once again has been a wall to getting support. The memory nurse contacted my brother with my permission, so he managed to go to the clinic with both my parents. My father tried to stop him going.

I am very distressed that my father has been such a block on things, and that my mother has not been taking her medication. My father is also very cruel and says unkind things often. It is so grim to see him doing the same thing all over again.

My mother is also dangerously thin. We have often talked about getting help in the house, and she has, as often welcomed the idea. Of course my father has declined. I was not aware that so much help has already been offered, and my brother told me that my father may be acting illegally if he refuses to have a carer in their home.

It should be a relief to find out what has been going on over the years, but it is a great shock to find out to what extent my siblings and I have been locked out of my mother's life. My father listens to all her phone calls.

The nurse said that there was not a firm diagnosis of Alzheimers, but for now, they are very concerned about her care.

MadameCastafiore Fri 11-Sep-09 17:04:09

Can you make a complaint of abuse to the police? Maybe get the nurses to make a statement re their concerns?

TheArmadillo Fri 11-Sep-09 18:03:36

what I would suggest you do is first contact an agency such as help the aged on 020 7278 1114 or the elder abuse helpline on 0808 808 8141 for advice on what to do.

I would also contact your parents' council's adult social services with concern about abuse towards your mother from your father.

I would also if possible contact your mother's gp and get a letter stating her condition and what her needs are.

I would also write down details of specific incidents or worries - contact your mother's family as well as writing what the memory nurse said.

The memory nurse may also be acting on their concerns and trying to put something in place, but it wouldn't hurt and may help if you could also raise serious concerns.

diddl Fri 11-Sep-09 18:31:10

Their must be some way that someone can step in if your father is doing things that are patently not in your Mum´s interest.

FabBakerGirlIsBack Fri 11-Sep-09 18:34:24

This is so sad and I feel very angry on your behalf.

Your father is abusing your mother and it has to stop right now.

You need to speak to her GP, social services and the police for advice.

He should not be allowed to stop his wife being looked after correctly.

This has really upset and annoyed me.

Please don't let this carry on another minute.

tiredemma Fri 11-Sep-09 18:37:59

The Mental Capacity Act (2005) makes it a criminal offence to wilfully neglect someone without capacity. I would try and seek some legal advice (or at least contact someone like Age Concern for help)

Kally Fri 11-Sep-09 19:19:16

Perhaps you should go to social services and reitterate. Say exactly what you think is going on. They won
't ignore it.

I am a carer for people like this, and we have been in some situations that are similar (controlling grumpy old husband dictating to everyone and yelling at carers etc) but we always reported it to the office and the office would contact the daughter and he would be read the riot act.

Once this status quo was established we just went in and did our job, but we would keep an eye on things and report what we felt was out of order. Going in to a home 3, 4 times a day gives you a good pciture of the relationship between the couple. You should really get in touch with Social Services, as she is ill and demented she is vulnerable and they will help.

We have often been to homes where the old man hates us going there and growls and scowls and won't open the door etc, but there are way around this sort of event. Your Mum isn't alone in this situation, it is quite common, especially with the very much older age group. The difficult one have a phobia about home care and hate it, see it as loosing control etc. (ANd the control freaks of that era are far bigger control freaks than the ones of today). If she is getting thin - then she's obviously not eating enough... please do something. You'd never forgive yourselves after something happened. No good pouting on here. Go and contact social services. That is what they are there for,.

silentcatastrophe Sat 12-Sep-09 13:13:52

Thank you so much for your support. My brother has been to the carers centre and has been starting things there. At the moment my parents are abroad, which on the one hand is a very bad idea under the circs, but on the other may be Mum's last opportunity to travel. Only a couple of weeks ago, we were discussing a trip to New Orleanssad

I think Mum's doctor has read the riot act to Dad. I will contact the clinic next week and see if I can get copies of letters and referrals.

Because Mum's decline has been so sudden and so severe, she will probably need more tests. They are vaguely optimistic that she might improve by taking her tablets, and having someone to help her eat more.

We are acting as fast as we can, and it has just been such a shock to find out what has been hidden for so long.

I do not live close to my parents, but fortunately my brother does, and he has offered to help as long as Mum is getting the right support. The memory clinic were very pleased that he went to the appointment, and pleased that we made contact. They are a perceptive lot and we confirmed a lot of their suspicions.

The Alzheimers society have been fantastic, and without their help we would not have known what to do. I will tell my brother about SS if he doesn't already know. There is a lot to take in.

My parents' gp is as much good as a chocolate teapot. He is bloody awful and I think he has been colluding with my father. My father is a priest and the doctor is a god-botherer of the highest grade. The carers centre are aware of the doctor as are the memory clinic.

Db is going to arrange that someone comes to the house to make sure Mum eats and takes her tablets. There are so many things that she needs help with, and with any luck she may find life worth living again. I think it has been spelled out to my father that he cannot go on as he has been.

Kally Sat 12-Sep-09 14:06:34

Your Father, your Mum's husband is a Priest? Hang on, I don't get it?

Is your Dad the same person as the Husband of your Mother and why and to whom is he 'doing the same things over again?' Sorry, was a bit muddled.

silentcatastrophe Sat 12-Sep-09 19:15:56

That's it! There are a lot of strange people around and my father is one of them. My father is doing the same things again that he's done forever in that he does not communicate, and assumes that if nobody says anything it will go away. It has caused all sorts of problems. Anyway, I didn't realise how serious my mum's condition was, and that there was nobody really looking after her, and that help had been declined.

People from the carers centre will be visiting them next week. I hope my mum is able to get a bit better and survives till at least this Christmas.

silentcatastrophe Sun 13-Sep-09 20:01:42

I am trying to let other members of the family know about what I have been told. It's bloody hard not to sound like a mad angry bitch. Anyway at least it's not my story any more, and there will be letters from professionals about what has been happening.

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