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He left me 3 weeks ago with 2 ds and moved in with someone else! (v. long sorry)

(34 Posts)
lucie19 Thu 10-Sep-09 23:34:22

I just want to vent and I hope no one minds if I do, thank you.
Just before we went on a family holiday 5 weeks ago my husband and I had a huge row and right up unitl the 2nd day of the holiday he was really off with me. I made him come out for a walk and tell me what was up and he said he hasn't been happy in a long time and had been thinking of leaving me but didn't know what to do. SO 2 days of me shut in my room crying and he doesn't come to comfort me so I figure he wants to leave but doesn't know how to say. So i told him that morning that if that was the way he felt then perhaps we should just call it a day, he cried but agreed. Horrible holiday. 1 week later I am on a camp with a youth club I run and he brings the kids up to see me for the day and he just sits there and doesn't say a word after a while I get mad and have a go at him ask him if he has sorted somewhere to go and tell him I want him gone by the time I get back from camp. I honestly dont know why I said this because I love him so much but I could't take him sat there with a face on.
On the saturday night he drops our kids off at camp and packs his stuff to move into a flat share he has found and apparently signed contracts with in 2 days? He is living with a girl from his work who we had a row about on one occasion because he spent the night flirting with her and ignoring me. He says its purely plutonic.
I come home and tell our 2 boys what has happened (they are 4 and 9) and they are understandably gutted and we all cry together. 4 days later I agree they can go to their dads new house for the evening but when I get there to pick them up this woman is sat laughing and joking with my kids.
I have asked that she does not see them because they are confused enough as it is.
My eldest son doesn't sleep and is getting into trouble at school while the yougest is wetting the bed and crying he misses his daddy. I let them see him as often as possible and have even bought the oldest a mobile phone so he can ring his dad.
but i am a mess I cannot understand why he has left and whenever I ask him he just says he hasn't been happy for a while and he doesn't know how he feels and he needs time.
I am so sorry to rant I feel so alone and with no answers I cant begin to get over him. I just wish he would come home.

helpmeoutofthismess Thu 10-Sep-09 23:50:34

Hi lucie19. I didn't want to read and run. I'm really sorry to hear of what you're going through. I'm going through the same sort of thing myself (although there was an affair involved previoulsly) so I do understand how lost and alone you must be feeling.

Its just basically really unfair isn't it? And I totally understand how much you want him back and how confusing the whole thing is.

I don't yet have all the answers myself as its still soo raw, but I'm learning that talking to friends and family is a must in order to keep your sanity at such a difficult time.

I don't know if you work, but if so, maybe taking some time off would help too in order to think about where you go from here.

Have you suggested marriage counselling?

It feels weird giving advice when I was asking for the same advice soo recently, but I guess I just wanted you to know that I feel your pain, as many others do, and that you're not alone.

lucie19 Thu 10-Sep-09 23:51:59

thank you I asked him about counselling and he did say maybe and looked like it was a possibility but like you say its so confusing

HolyGuacamole Thu 10-Sep-09 23:55:07

Do you think he is seeing this woman?

lucie19 Thu 10-Sep-09 23:56:27

I honestly dont know part of me thinks if he is it all makes sense but he assures me he isn't

helpmeoutofthismess Thu 10-Sep-09 23:57:43

I know, especially when they refuse to talk about it and just leave us in the dark.

I'd persevere with the counselling idea if you can. Its not fair to leave you with soo little explanation, esp when you have two DC's.

Seriously now is the time to lean on those to close to you if you can for emotional support. I couldn't have got through these last few weeks without my mum and best friend.

HolyGuacamole Fri 11-Sep-09 00:09:01

What a horrible situation sad

I guess I was wondering if he was suffering from guilt on holiday and whether he is telling you the whole truth. You probably know from reading on here that if he is seeing her, he won't tell you, you will need to find out for yourself......and if you do find out he is seeing her, he will tell you he didn't tell you because he was trying to protect your feelings. I'm sort of rambling, sorry.

So to put myself in your shoes, well if he didn't know how he felt then I think it'd be absolutely reasonable to ask him to leave and think about it. However, if he moved in with someone with whom I had suspicions (even vague suspicions) about, then that would put a very different slant on it for me, flat share or whatever he wants to call it. Convenient huh?

If I moved out from my husband, would I move in with some bloke from my work on a platonic basis? No way. Apart from the fact that other people in work would make something of it and gossip, I just wouldn't do it.

Sorry, I am cynical about the woman from work.

lucie19 Fri 11-Sep-09 00:27:43

thats my feeling too I asked him how he would see it if it was the other way round and he said 'yeah i know'
i wonder if i should go round there and look through the window one evening they have no curtains so it would be easy to see

helpmeoutofthismess Fri 11-Sep-09 00:35:34

In your position I'd probably do that to be honest. There's nothing worse than not knowing the truth.

Hope youre worst fears are not true though and that he's just going through a crisis.

macdoodle Fri 11-Sep-09 00:39:47

Without a doubt he has been and is sleeping with her, it will take a while to get the truth from him!
Sorry but after all the shite from my XH and all I read on here and the women I have met in similar positions, I would divorce his arse NOW and move on with my life without him!
Sorry thats probably harsh but I just dont believe any more that after this it is reperable or in the best interests of the woman!
Do you want to be second choice, the one he "deigned" to come back to, will you ever trust or believe him again, do you want to live like this forever!

HolyGuacamole Fri 11-Sep-09 00:45:20

I think if you're in a position where you want to know the truth then yes, you should find a way of finding out.

I don't know if driving round there is a good idea though. Is there anyone who knows her, or who works with them that you could talk to? Or any other more discreet way of finding out?

helpmeoutofthismess Fri 11-Sep-09 00:50:31

Yeah perhaps wrote my last comment too hastily. Make sure you are safe and not on your own if you do go round.
Also have a think about how you will react if you do see them in a compromising position- that may be too much for you to deal with at this time and if there is something going on there might be a less painful way of confroniting it and getting more information.

countingto10 Fri 11-Sep-09 07:05:17

Unfortunately it does sound like classic affair behaviour and until I was a victim of it myself I wouldn't have understood or believed it. Remember the truth will out in the end however clever they think they are. My DH left me with 4 DC, moody etc like your DH in the lead up. Said he needed his space and was going to stay with mates and like a mug I believed him. He actually shacked up with a woman he met at the local bookies.

Anyway, 6 months down the line he is back home and we have been in counselling for the last 4 months. There are many reasons for an affair and you have to look at your marriage as a whole, not just his behaviour now. Go and get some legal advice and set the wheels in motion, he has got to see what he has to lose. Remember he is not a prize to be won, he has to win you back.

Treat yourself to some new clothes, get your hair done, get him to look after the DC and go out in the evening and enjoy youself, even if you don't enjoy yourself, let him think you have. Let him see you have got a good life without him, can cope without him etc.

Tell your family and get support, tell his family too.

Good luck.

whatdoyouallthink Fri 11-Sep-09 07:40:04

Also cant help but think there is more to the relationship with this woman. My H didnt tell me about his affair but did do all the 'I dont think I want to be here anymore' stuff. To the point where he was miserable and sulking around the house. I was like you and in tears the whole time(his timing couldnt be worse xmas eve he has the 'talk' with me and our youngest was 5wks old!) In the end he left a week later and a friend told me he had been seeing the OW.

You need to find out some how what is going on. Like someone else said he wont be the one to tell you till you have 100% proof and even then he will have excuses for it.

Is there anyway you can see mobile phone bills? If there is more to this one number would be turning up on his phone bill quite regular. It wont be quite as secret as he thinks it is either, someone will know something. I have been surprised at the amount of people who knew what my H was upto and never told me.

Wishing you and your dc well. For what its worth my dc were a similar age to yours when we was going through this and now 9 months down the line they are coping really well with it all(we are now divorcing) Get some support from close family or friends they will all be there for you and the dc. Good luck.

aRLcat Fri 11-Sep-09 08:01:31

Lucie, don't allow him to play you for a fool! While you do so, he will continue to treat you as such.

In a healthy relationship, trust and a lack of jealousy are virtues, when your DH has overtly shacked up with an OW, they are the very aspects of your good nature that he will bank upon allowing him to get away with as much as he possibly can.

He is not treating you with any care or respect. Even in the unlikely event that 'there's nothing going on' with this woman, he has moved in with her and given your past concerns this is extremely mean minded at best!- At worst, I don't believe any one would do such a thing if they weren't getting something out of it, IYSWIM?

I fully understand the yearning for a partner when they have left, particularly in such a way but this is exactly where he receives the permission and power to do whatever the hell he wants.

Take the power back! As counting and other have said, garner support from friends and family, get out and about as much as you possibly can. You may not feel like it but in time it will help widen your perspective and independance and in doing that, you will become more desirable to him.

...If that's what you really want!

I chose not to take mine back and I can guarantee it's possible to heal and move on to bigger, brighter things, in time.

Oh, please don't go snooping through their windows! Retain your dignity wherever you possibly can.

lucie19 Fri 11-Sep-09 09:06:46

Thank you all, I was in a really bad place last night (i'm still there but its easier in the day).
We married really young I was 20 he 22 12 years ago and we've had problems from that on both sides in the past. He really seems that he is not sure he has made the right decision but I agree all his behaviour points to an affair. Honestly I dont think I need hard proof he blocked me from his facebook some time ago and he has been going out more and more in the evenings. I'm just a fool not to have seen it before. No one will tell me anything his colleagues have closed ranks and he has alienated all our mutual friends in recent years.
I still love him so much though. I will take him back if he comes back ( I wont beg)but we will need councelling.
Every day is such a struggle though. Everyone keeps telling me how strong I am but I'm not I am so low I am actually concerned about myself and my well being. It doesn't help when he comes to take the kids its like it happens all over again and I spend the night sobbing.

countingto10 Fri 11-Sep-09 09:21:06

He blocked you from his facebook some time ago !!!!!!!!

Take control now, see a solicitor and get angry. He is/has been treating you appallingly. He has had it all his own way - show him another way, YOUR WAY !!!!!

Good luck.

SheWillBeLoved Fri 11-Sep-09 09:26:15

Counselling won't stop him from doing this again though. Might help him figure out why he did it/does it, but it won't stop him from knowing that he can and has gotten away with it before.

I don't for one second believe that he is innocently shacking up with a woman you have had suspicions about before. And I think that he has absolutely zero respect for your and your marriage by moving in with her. What did he think, that you'd pop round to pick the children up and the 3 of you would enjoy a coffee together whilst the children played? Did he shite. He knew you wouldn't like it, he knew he wouldn't like it if the roles were reversed, but he did it anyway. Because that's how little regard he has for your feelings.

Don't make it okay for him to walk out on his marriage, and into another woman's home - with only the threat of counselling if he returns.

RumourOfAHurricane Fri 11-Sep-09 09:35:49

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RumourOfAHurricane Fri 11-Sep-09 09:41:05

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abedelia Fri 11-Sep-09 09:56:30

Why don't you tell him that the presence of another woman living with their dad is making he children miserable and confused, so you think that for the sake of their stability, as many of the contact times he has with them should be him alone (not her) and at your house. You can go out for a few hours for a coffee with friends and leave them to it. Or he can take them out somewhere. But try and insist that the woman is kept away from them. If he knows they are so upset, I hope at least he would have enough consideration for his won children to respect that.

bathcat Fri 11-Sep-09 10:03:07

Don't make any decisions at the moment about whether or not you will have him back. You are in shock and in ' fight ' mode.

Give yourself time for the dust to settle. You might decide once its sunk in how badly he has behaved and how he's treated you, that this isn't what you want. Keep your options open - if he knows he can come back to you if it goes tits up with the other women then he will keep you hanging on in the background and this will seriously mess up your self esteem.

I am coming at this from a different angle as I am the one who had an affair. The other man dumped me to go back to his wife and in the early days I would have given anything, anything, for him to change his mind. Now, five months or so down the line, I wouldn't touch him with a proverbial as I now realise what a complete and utter shit he has been to both his wife and to me. He deserves neither or us.

HolyGuacamole Fri 11-Sep-09 11:39:49

Morning Lucie. Loads of fab advice on here. I think you are strong. Kicking his ass out when you did, was a very brave thing to do and TBH, I think you done the right thing. It shows you're not gonna take any shit from the start and even if you feel weak, you don't give that impression.

It is 100% right that you will start to feel better given time. Unfortunately there is no fast fix for feelings and you need to go through the period of being upset, angry, confused. It's only natural but it is crap. In the midst of upset, it is so hard to see how well you actually are doing and that is where you have to listen to others who know you really well because they have no reason to lie to you.

Make use of your friends/family, lean on them as much as you can and accept help. When you do come out of the other side of this, you will see things very differently but I know that is easy to say right now.

ib Fri 11-Sep-09 11:53:31

Hi lucie -

I may get blasted for this, but my mum went through what you are going through with my dad when I was a child, and your 'I come home and tell our 2 boys what has happened (they are 4 and 9) and they are understandably gutted and we all cry together' had me quite worried.

Regardless of what he has done, he is still their father and they will love him. The best thing you can do is be OK with them, accept what has happened and move on. Please don't try to stop them forming a relationship with his new girlfriend (if that's what she turns out to be). Chances are they will still form one but feel that they are betraying you.

I know it's an awful time for you and I'm sorry you are going through this. Your children are, to a certain extent, losing their father too and you can help make that better by not acting towards them like he's a villain (even if he is).

RumourOfAHurricane Fri 11-Sep-09 12:34:07

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