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Aunt hates me and is making family life really difficult

(13 Posts)
obscurename Thu 10-Sep-09 20:47:34

Have namechanged for this.

My aunt really has a problem with me and has done I think since I was a child. Began with telling me I was fat as a teen (I wasn't but it made me really self conscious for a long time), then when I was almost out of my teens she told my parents and very religious grandmother that my youth worker born again christian boyfriend was a drug dealer and lots of other horrid things.

My mum kind of took her side then, we didn't have a great relationship in my later teens, partly hormonal teen, partly lots of family upheaval which left me homeless and just not in a good situation really.

Things got a little better, then I fell pregnant with dd and it was a bit of a nightmare. Her father didn't want to know so I became a single parent but I had a good job, good prospects and I didn't see it as a problem. I kind of became her project, she was quite controlling about aspects of baby care, how I lived my life etc.
In amongst all of this I had a relationship with a very distant cousin. We didn't tell anyone for quite a while as we wanted to see whether or not it was serious.
We decided to move in together, my aunt had always been close to the guys father and the rest of his family so she was delighted for us. My mum on the other hand told me that I was wrong to move in with this guy, accused me of some not very nice things etc.

I ended up splitting up with this guy, things wwent wrong, no one else was involved, he didn't want to work on it but he became very very bitter. There was an awful period where I had a longish term illness, was trying to move house as the house we had lived in was his sisters and I had no money, no family support either as this guy basically fanned the flames of my families disaproval of me.

It got really nasty, I received some awful letters from this guy, my aunt accosted me outside church one day and laid into me verbally in front of most of my family accusing me of ripping her off financially and also of sleeping around.

My mum again took my aunts side, I had no backup, the ex even called my mum on christmas day to tell her how awful he thought I was, I had to sit at the table listening to my mum agreeing with this twat on the end of the phone.

Since then, it's been horrid. The ex and his family have been utterly vicious, lots of stories made up about me, lots of being excluded from family events which is a big deal as we are a huge family and there is always something going on.

I have been with my partner for 6 yrs now, my dd calls him dad, we own a home together and are generally very happy.
He has done absolutely nothing wrong but he is also excluded and ignored at famiy gatherings.

These people can't seem to let go and move on but it's now really affecting me and my little family.
My elder sister has pretty much cut me off now,my younger sister won't tell me why things are still such a big deal, all she said was that she thinks I am devious and need to apologise to a lot of people.

I can't apologise for having had a relationship that didn't work. It happens, it's life.

I have now been cut off on Facebook,most of my relatives have deleted me, there was a family gathering this week for a close relative who died recently and I was once again excluded.

I don't know where to go with this anymore, all of the angst is being driven by my aunt who seems to revel in all of this and the ex and his family who are (I assume) enjoying hurting me.

I really need to find a way to cope with all of this, it's making me so sad and also incredibly angry.

crokky Thu 10-Sep-09 20:51:17

Sorry to be blunt:

I would cut the lot of them off personally. They sound horrible and they will never be there to support you properly, even if you get onto speaking terms with them.

Does your partner have an extended family?

obscurename Thu 10-Sep-09 20:54:12

NO he doesn't. He has no contact with his father at all and his mother is a long way away.
He does have siblings but doesn't see them either.

I think you're right really. Cutting them off is the only way to go but it's so upsetting that such a small number of people can be so utterly awful.

I really am jealous of my sisters for having a good relationship with my mum.

MsHighwater Thu 10-Sep-09 20:54:25

I'm curious why you are highlighting your aunt's role when it sounds as though your mum has not been on your side, either.

It sounds like a horrible situation to be in. If you can really be sure that you have nothing at all to apologise for then I don't see what you can do except put it all to one side and carry on with your life. You could let it be known that you would be receptive to reestablishing friendly relations if the others will do the same.

OTOH, if you have anything at all to apologise for (even if you think one or more of the others has done more wrong than you have) then do it and see if it breaks the ice.

onepieceoflollipop Thu 10-Sep-09 20:55:22

This all sounds very difficult.

I was brought up in a very strict/Christian/restrictive household. (I am not suggesting that all Christians behave in this way)

There was a lot of judgment going on, particularly from one of my parents.

I am tending to agree with crokky, if you can't cut them off then protect yourself (i.e. time limited visits, no opportunity for them to judge/criticise you etc)

Try and nurture friendships with friends etc.

If you feel this is still "hanging over you" and affecting you from moving on, consider having some counselling? (GP can refer you for free)

onepieceoflollipop Thu 10-Sep-09 20:57:15

fwiw I haven't exactly "cut" my father off; but he has chosen to behave towards me in some very hurtful ways and has ceased contact for over 5 years (and no meaningful contact for the preceding 15 years). I could pander to him and have a very difficult relationship with him, but I have gone through too much pain. Really hope you find a solution that you are at peace with op.

ArizonaBarker Thu 10-Sep-09 21:00:16

You know what? Fuck the lot of them!

You have shown that you don't need them. So, let them go. Make an effort not to contact any of them.

They really are not worth all your angst.

obscurename Thu 10-Sep-09 21:00:17

I'm highlighting my aunt because she has driven all of this. My mum has been pretty crappy it has to be said but without my aunts input we wouldn't have had half the issues we have had.

My mum does talk to me now and she does seem to care about me. But it's very strained.

I really am sure that i don't have anything to apologise for.
I split up with the guy because he had premature ejaculation and refused to do anyhting about it, he blamed me and said i wasn't doing enough for him. In the end I told him I couldn't go on like that and he told me it was over then.
At the time I had spoken to my aunt about it, I was very upset and she kind of caught me at a moment where i would have talked to anyone. Unbeknown to me she was also talking to my ex in depth and I think relayed back what I said.
I don't think that makes me awful though, I think it's probably quite a human thing to need to spill occasionally.

obscurename Thu 10-Sep-09 21:01:23

I like arizona's answer. grin

HecatesTwopenceworth Thu 10-Sep-09 21:02:45

Yes. your mum has treated you shabbily. She's the one who really owes you love and loyalty, isn't she?

Agree with the others. Walk away. What do they bring to your life? The life of your child?

I understand that you want a good relationship with your mum, but you're not going to get it. Cut them off and get on with your life with only those people who love you!

An accident of birth gave you your mother. If she's great - then wonderful! If she's toxic - walk away.

and one other thing - you mention church a couple of times. Not really Christian behaviour they're displaying, is it?

ArizonaBarker Thu 10-Sep-09 21:08:18

I am a professional, you know.


MsHighwater Thu 10-Sep-09 21:08:25

obscurename, in that case, I go along with the consensus to separate yourself from them on the grounds that it's calmer/healthier, etc to do that. Be open to restoring relations but only on terms that won't see a repeat of the behaviour that has hurt and harmed you in the past. Don't give our trust until it has been earned back.

obscurename Thu 10-Sep-09 21:09:23

No, you're right, we are catholic but it's not really the way we're supposed to behave towards one another.

My granny has always fought my corner and i do love her immensely so i think I shall keep in contact with her as much as I can but really i do need to let the others go.

It's all horribly sad and just so unfair. But then again I suppose life is unfair and you can't choose your family.

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