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Feel so sad for my dh

(7 Posts)
twins2cute Fri 03-Jun-05 02:20:13

Some of you may have read in the past my posts about the problems with my mil.

I feel so sad for my dh that things have turned out the way they have. I struggled for a long time after my twins were born pretending that I was ok. They were born in May 02. Last august i told my mil to f* off as I had reached breaking point. My dr arranged for me to see a councillor who told me she felt I was suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Due to all the events that had occured (I am still seeing councillor now!) I shall list it all very briefly.

Jan 02 found out twins. Big shock! No family history. (15 wks)
Got big very quickly. Signed off work end of feb 02. Spent a lot of time at home alone during this time.
Beg of May 02 hospital found twin 2 twin transfusion syndrome affecting babies. (30 wks) Admitted to hospital that day for steroid injections. Next day 2 hour scan couldn't move!
Sent home thought I would be ok to carry babies bit longer.
In for scan almost every other day.

Wk 32 decision made to deliver would have to be by c-section. (really upset about that)
Went into hospital then told possibly couldnt be done as lack of incubators. Would have to have scan next day to decide. If they needed delivering would have to be somewhere 150 miles away!
Told next day following scan "thought would be ok"

Back in 2 days later. Csec cancelled 1 hour before due to emergency delivery using incubators. Told again should be ok! More steroid injections. Finally delivered at 33 weeks at local hospital by csec.

Saw babies 10am held up didnt hold after they were delivered. Saw for 5 mins at 1pm. Then didnt see them again until 7pm for short time. held 1 twin but had to wait until next day to hold other twin.

Had to recover from csec as well as try to get expressing milk and also see babies who were in different part of hospital. Loads of visitors. Way too many! Never got established with the breast feeding. Loads of guilt about that.

Home after only 2 weeks. Started getting into routine. (June 02)

Oct 02 had gallbladder attack in and out of hospital a no of times. Jaundice etc...

After loads of gallbladder probs had it removed July 03. Didnt realise until after how ill I had been.

Oct 03 one of the twins had febrile convulsion that lasted nearly 2 hours. Ended up in peadiatric intensive care for short time.

Christmas 03 both boys had what the drs say was chickenpox although we are convinced it was measles.

Jan 04 dh off work for 3 weeks with kidney pain. Thought it was kidney stones but nothing found by a scan so stone possibly passed.

Just started to tick along although both boys always full of cold.

Aug 04 got bronchitis in hopital twice.

Christmas 04 both boys full of cold. Not very well really.

We have recently been told that the boys hearing is not good enough so are having to go to the hospital for ears, nose, throat appt with the possibility of them needing grommits.

From the beginning I have struggled to get on with my mil & fil. When it was just us as a couple it was fine as they didn't bother with us but as soon as we had produced the grandchildren that they were waiting for they wanted to be around.

I have had to put up with so many insensitive comments. eg I had hardly seen the boys on the day that they were born. My mil walked in and said where are my boys? Following a letter I wrote we had quite a disagreement and I asked "do you think I would do anthing that could harm the boys?" The reply was "I'd like to think you wouldn't". There has been so many along the way. During my hospital stays I didn't get a card or visit. All my dh got was grief that my mum & dad were looking after the boys!!

I got to a point last summer where I really had just had enough and I blew. Since then I havent seen my mil. I did apologise on the phone the next day but I don't think that was accepted.

My twin boys have just had their 3rd birthday. I was dreading it so I suggested that the boys see their granparents the day before. This was suggested my by dh and they agreed to it. They then phoned a few days before and said they couldnt do it then and wanted them either the sat or sun before which wasn't possible as my sis was getting married. Their reply to that was it doesnt take 2 days for a wedding! But it does when you have relatives come over from Australia!
So anyway after all the agonising over what to on my part they cancelled.

The boys birthday came and went with no phonecall, card etc... Then tonight (last night now) I was out & so was my dh which they know is usually the case! My Mum & dad were babysitting and the in laws turned up at 7.10pm with loads of presents! They said it was really awkward.

The boys have had such a busy week that it was the last thing that they needed really. My mum managed to control the situation I think but how awful for them to be caught up in our problems!

I think the thing that annoyed us the most is the fact that the last time my dh saw his mum she said she couldnt bare to set foot in our house again and yet there she was when we were out!

My dh and I are also relunctant to let them look after the boys as we know they will deal with them very differently! My dh saw that one day he was there. DST1 was hitting grandads car. My dh told him not to do it or the toy golf club would be taken away! Dh went inside heard it again came out and grandad had hit DST1. My dh made son aplogise to grandad and grandad apologise to son. Which was not liked at all. But they know we have chosen not to use physical punishment!

I am so sick of it all. If it wasnt for my mum, dad & sis I think we would move well away and then it wouldnt be an issue anymore.

I got sick of their questioning, their insensitivity & how 2 faced they are. I've seen it in action a lot!! Just don't know what to do anymore. Get so upset by it all. Will be surprised if I get any replies as this is so long and doesnt make much sense. I also get upset as most times that they have actually seen the boys its because I suggested it would be a good idea to my dh!

If anyone has got any ideas how we might solve or at least make the situation a little more bearable I would be glad of the advice!

I know I probably havent been totally blame free in all of this but I have also had alot to contend with. It feels good to be able to say that and not feel guilty. Thanks to my councillor she has lifted a lot of the guilt just cant seem to crack the in law problem though.

Thanks for reading though if you got this far. No one to talk to at this early hour just going over & over it in my head!!

haven Fri 03-Jun-05 04:21:11

i would love to help but i am in very similar situation with my MIL as well. She hasn't seen her grandson for over a year. She doesn't seem to care either. I was in the military and was gone for a while and she too, made it difficult for dh to get by. she promised to help him with ds which was a premie by 11 weeks and couldn't stay in a daycare and help with dd. I have a dd from prior relationship and while away, she said she didn't want dd at her house. mind you we have been together for six years.

i also feel for dh, but after treating my babies like dirt..i just don't care. can't make everyone happy. i know that sounds foul, but for 5 years of our relationship i put the smile on, bought mother's day presents (that she gave away), and xmas presents and invited to dinners and all of that no more. wish i could help you more.

eldestgirl Fri 03-Jun-05 06:33:59

God what a nightmare. You poor thing. WHY do some MILs feel it is their business to make life hell for their DIL?
My Mum has similar issues with her MOTHER. In the end she just laid the law down. Grandmother came over on Wednesday afternoon every week from 3-5 and that was it. Mum usually shut herself in the kitchen and was very busy. Conversation was kept to a miniumum and at 5, grandmother caught the bus home.
As for hitting the grandchildren, that is appalling. Not what grandparents are there for.
Sorry I can't be more help.

Kassie Sun 19-Jun-05 09:12:51

Twins2cute - MY GOD! Your situ bears some resemblance to mine without twins! DH and I have been together 7 yrs and married 5. We were trying for a baby since before we got married and after 3 years or so went for investigations. Initially we told nobody either that we wanted a baby or that we we seeking help. Then it was discovered that neither of us was firing on all cylinders so after a comment from MIL about children I decided to tell her that we were hoping for a baby but that I had a few probs (didn't mention that DH had issues too for his sake) She said'That's a shame cos (DH) loves kids.'

I then became suddenly v v ill and after fortnight in hosp was transferred to ITU. My DH was in a real state but they didn't visit or offer to drive him. My parents and sis were as supportive of both of us as poss. My sis was collecting some essentials for me from shop and bumped into MIL and SIL she said they were asking about if she'd been anywhere nice etc. She explained on way to hosp to visit and didn't have time to chat. In laws took great offence and started huge row with my husband over the conversation with sis!!!! After transferring to hosp 50 miles away for life saving op and treatment I was discharged, 4 months after admittance! They came to visit once when husband had begged them to! I was v upset that he'd done that.

After all that I amazingly fell pg just two months later, when we told them they might as well have been listening to weather forecast as were totally disinterested.

Since arrival of DS I have taken him to visit and have said countless times 'if you want to borrow him you only need say, he's your grandson and we want you to see him' Their response is 'if you need us to look after him just drop him off we don't like making arrangemnts.' They look after SIL's kids full time and always have. They visit her and despite visiting their friends around corner from us never call in. I couldn't care if I never saw them but I really feel for DH who does best to please them. TBH that could be part of the prob. Before he introduced us he warned me that his M had never liked any of his girlfriends and would say 'oh you go off with her I can see you've found something better now. Forget about us!' I think that's wierd!!!

I honestly think best thing to do is try to get on and not worry about yourMIL but I'm not really practising what I'm preaching! I go over things again and again. Sorry no real answer but I do empathise!

mysterygirl Sun 19-Jun-05 09:22:20

There are many threads on here about problems with MILs. Mine can't be bothered with our children(although still favour one over the other) they do live abroad but they recently came over for a month and saw dh and the children twice. If they have visited in the day (when dh is working nights) they tend to go back to their place at about 3pm (once Ive left to collect the children from school) to dont stay to see them. The best advice I can give you is not to worry about them, your children won't suffer through lack of love on their part, you will simply give them even more. Surround them with people who do care and emotionally "bin" them.

mysterygirl Sun 19-Jun-05 09:24:43

Also should add, I have no parents either so my children are effectively without g/p's. This year on dh's birthday my sister offered to babysit (first time in unbelievably ages) so we actually went out without the children which we think is the first time in 3 years. It does get easier - if you dont rely on anyone then you're not going to be disappointed

ghosty Sun 19-Jun-05 11:10:58

twins2cute ... you poor poor thing ... what a terribly worrying time you had with the birth of your boys and all the hassles after. I also suffered PTSD (misdiagnosed as PND) after I had DS so I know how that feels ...
You too Kassie with your illness and ttc problems ...
PIL! Nightmares! 'Luckily' my PILs (MIL is ok it is just FIL and his god-awful wife) really don't care about their grandchildren to drive me demented in the way you describe BUT I could have written your post in terms of how you feel about them. I have cried, ranted and raved, argued with DH ... demanding he do something about his father's total lack of regard for his only grandson etc etc. DH and I have had the most almighty rows over the way Step MIL behaves when she is drunk (I won't tell you, it is too awful) and the fact that DH does nothing to stop her wreaking the havoc she does. I then cry as I am heartbroken that my children have two perfecly lovely grandparents in England and we have to live in the same country as these awful people ... In the past I have got myself in SUCH a state about it ... not slept, not eaten, taken it out on DH, wished awful things would happen to PILs etc etc.

And then recently I had a long long talk with a dear friend of mine who gave me the best piece of advice ever ... and now I think I am on the right track.
She said, "As long as you always do the right thing, it doesn't matter what they do ... your family is too important to waste your energies and emotions on these people"
What she meant is ... There is absolutely NOTHING I can do to change them ... they will never turn into the grandparents I wish for for my children. I have to accept that. So when they come to town, don't visit but drop a present round for the children when we are out (they have done this twice in the last 3 months), I send a thank you letter back immediately ... I have done my duty. I now do EVERYTHING by the book ... make sure DH rings his dad every couple of weeks, remember father's day, thank them nicely when they call (usually pissed and abusive) etc etc ... I have begun to let it wash over me because I know I have done the right thing ... if they choose to be crap and abusive and rude and obnoxious etc etc then that is their problem, not mine ...
Does this make sense to you? As soon as I implemented this way of thinking it was like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders.

Two weeks ago Step MIL told everyone she had cancer. Skin cancer, that urgent treatment. Naturally all her friends etc were concerned and she had a 'do' at her house before she came to Auckland to get lots of sympathy. She actually came to Auckland to have a face lift ... . That is the kind of person she is.
A couple of months ago I would have gone into orbit and DH and I would have rowed because I would have wanted him to do something and he would have said "What's the point". But no, actually what I did was send some magazines and a card to her hospital bed with a note saying, "Hope your bruises go down soon". I did the 'right' thing ... I believe, by sending a 'present' and a card acknowledging her operation but also making it clear that I knew what she was having done. There was no point raving about it ... and I felt calm and good about it. Such a relief compared to a few months ago.

Sorry for the massive post, but I wanted to give you that bit of advice. Just as long as you always do the right thing, thank them for gifts and things like that but don't expect any support or anything from them ... if you expect too much you will be disappointed and angry.

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