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I feel really let down by dh. The timing couldn't be worse. WTF do I do?

(29 Posts)
Tralallalalalalalaaaa Thu 10-Sep-09 09:32:29

Hello, i'm a namechanging regular.

I'm also very pregnant, 39+5

Yesterday I found out that my husband has been ringing prostitutes. It isn't the first time he's done it. I almost left him last time I found out, he promised it would never happen again. Ha.

He is very contrite, upset and apologetic. He admits he gets a buzz from it, in the same way that some get a buzz from drinking, taking drugs etc. He's offered to seek counselling, sort himself out etc etc... trouble is I've heard it all before.

I'm fairly confident he isn't actually visiting prostitutes, I can account for his whereabouts pretty much all the time. He's always either at work or at home. My problem is that he is seeking sexual gratification by speaking to another human being. I don't have a problem with masturbation or porn, but his interaction with a real life, real time person has crossed a line that I drew for him years ago.

I'm driving myself mad. I'm so upset. I should be angry, but tbh I don't have the energy. I just feel so sad and so let down. If the baby is born in the next couple of days then the birth will be completely overshadowed by this.

I could do with some advice. I really don't know what to do.

Hassled Thu 10-Sep-09 09:38:25

I don't think you should even try to deal with this now. If it's even remotely possible, try to file it away under "pending" in your head, and see how you feel once the baby is here and you've got yourself into some sort of a routine.

In your shoes I would have a real problem with it as well. It is a form of betrayal - he needs to work bloody hard at regaining your trust, and you need to think long and hard about whether you can ever trust him again. Or even forgive him. But you don't have to come to a decision, or even think about getting your head around it, in the next few weeks.

AitchwonderswhoFruitCrumbleis Thu 10-Sep-09 09:48:36

oh love, i don't know either. men can be so weird, can't they? is this your first baby?

Tralallalalalalalaaaa Thu 10-Sep-09 09:49:30

Thanks Hassled.

I did wonder whether putting it in a box for now would be the best thing to do, I told him yesterday that we would sort it out in the fullness of time rather than deal with it over the coming few days.

Trouble is, I'm sitting here this morning in tears, trying to hack into his mobile account online and turfing round the house for land line bills so I can see how often he's been doing it and how long it's been going on for. I just can't let it go

Trust is definitely the issue here. It had all been forgotten after the last episode, it was a fair few years ago.

Yesterday morning I took his car to take dc to school, he had taken the day off work to get a couple of last minute pre baby jobs done. In the door pocket of his car was his old mobile phone, he hadn't (or at least I thought he hadn't) used it in ages but he'd been keeping it active as he currently uses his work mobile for everything and wanted to keep it as a back up in case the company policy on personal calls changed. I thought it was odd it should be there, so I switched it on, I was surprised it was even charged up tbh so I checked the numbers... googled them and lo and behold...

Tralallalalalalalaaaa Thu 10-Sep-09 09:56:32

Aitch - second dc

And this particular man seems to get weirder with every passing year.

Tralallalalalalalaaaa Thu 10-Sep-09 10:15:11

Bumping

I feel so utterly shitty today, I need company

Or perhaps I should just get of MN and distract myself.

NoahFence Thu 10-Sep-09 10:16:11

so what has happened then.
you have found out and have you told him?

Tralallalalalalalaaaa Thu 10-Sep-09 10:18:36

yes I have told him

He is desperately sorry. Sorry he did it or sorry he's been caught again ?

get of off MN <cries some more>

NoahFence Thu 10-Sep-09 10:21:25

so this is THIRD chance?

elmofan Thu 10-Sep-09 10:25:17

oh tralalla....... , are you ok ? sad
i think hassled is right you should deal with this after the baby is born , your head must be all over the place ,

FabBakerGirlIsBack Thu 10-Sep-09 10:25:52

If you weren't about to have the baby how would you deal with this?

HappyWoman Thu 10-Sep-09 10:32:05

oh dear - it is the lies that eat away at you.
He knew exactly what he was doing by keeping that mobile. When you say he is so upset is he upset because he really wants to give this 'habit' up? or as you say because he has again been caught and will have to face up to what he has done now.
The only way forward for me i am afraid (and i consider myself to be a forgving person) would be for him to seek real profressional help and for him to decide how he will overcome your understandalbe lack of trust.

If you want to see it as an addiction he will need to firstly admit he has a problem and you need to believe he has done that - is there anyone he would confide in about it who could help him. sometimes the act of telling others is the start - if he sees it as a secret it becomes more attractive in the future iyswim.

Tralallalalalalalaaaa Thu 10-Sep-09 10:36:17

Second chance Noah, for this offence, there has been other stuff but this is, for me, far more serious than the other stuff.

How would I deal with it? I don't know. If I weren't heavily pg and dc1 wasn't at school I would ship us both out for a week or so to make decisions in peace.

When it happened last time, we had no children. I spent a few days at a friend's house. I seriously considered not going home but after many promises and much apologising from him I went back.

If the relationship were otherwise solid then it might not be such an issue. Unfortunately we have other problems too which have been brushed under the carpet whilst I've been having a difficult pregnancy and dh has been ill (hospitalied breifly) himself.

deepdarkwood Thu 10-Sep-09 10:37:55

Oh trala, what shit timing. I must say, my first response was the same as hassled - that you just don't have the space to deal with this now.
But I can't imagine how you go about telling yourself to stop worrying/thinking.

I wonder if you could you decide on a few 'rules' now - that would allow you to park it. Perhaps things like
1. We are not going to talk about this for now. He are not forgiven, this is not sorted, it is just on hold. Until you are ready.
2. Whilst we are in 'holding' place, he sleep in the spare room/give you all his phones to check every evening/whatever will make you feel 'safe'
3. he starts investigating therapy option (proves he's serious about it)

And then try, as much asyou can, to concentrate on yourself and the baby. Neither of you have done anything wrong, and you both deserve this time not to be overshadowed by your dh being a complete arse.

FabBakerGirlIsBack Thu 10-Sep-09 10:39:40

Could you ask him to stay somewhere else for a while so you can have some time to think? Even if you do take him back it should be a kick up the backside for him.

Don't let what he has done spoil the pregnancy and new baby time for you.

AitchwonderswhoFruitCrumbleis Thu 10-Sep-09 10:43:09

i do think that men can compartmentalise things differently, and of course i don't say that to take away from what he's done, just that in a weird way by having another phone he might have been protecting you from his addiction, iykwim?
poor love. perhaps have an agreement in place that he will seek help, and that the pair of you will go to some sort of counselling? if you can get a date for that before this baby is born will that help you to put this in its place until then? (which is important, god knows, but not as important as a family welcoming a new child into the world). i feel just awful for you.

Tralallalalalalalaaaa Thu 10-Sep-09 11:00:14

There is a lot of sensible advice here - thank you so much.

He does see it as an addiction, he said that yesterday when I confronted him. I am struggling to believe that this has only started up again recently, which is his story. If it's an addiction then surely he wouldn't give it up years ago on pain of castration and then start again a month before his second child is due? Unless the pregnancy has been a trigger of course, but he's so pleased about it, we always wanted two children, he says he loves my pg body, loves to feel kicks etc etc.

I think I may set him a deadline, if he is serious about saving our relationship then he has to seek counselling by, say, Christmas.

We generally don't share a bedroom anyway (see above re other problems), he sleeps on the sofa most nights and has done for well over a year. His choice, I wish he didn't. One of my torture implements du jour is what has he been doing down here after I go off to bed at night??? Anyway.

I need him here. He's my birthing partner. There isn't anyone else nearby other than IL's, and they are a good drive away. If they can't get here in time when I go into labour, he needs to be here for dc1 when I go off to hospital to give birth.

Aitch I see your point about trying to protect me, but if he hadn't used a separate phone I would never have found out. I'm not in the habit of checking his phone and I don't scrutinise the phone bills. It was the presence of the phone that triggered my suspicion in the first place. I just couldn't think of another reason for him to be using it.

NoahAmin Thu 10-Sep-09 11:00:48

he is not addicted

he is disrepsctful and getting away with it.

Tralallalalalalalaaaa Thu 10-Sep-09 11:09:40

He's not going to get away with it.

Trust and respect, that's what marriages are supposed to be built on, isn't it?

It would seem that he can't be trusted and he has no respect for me.

Fucker.

God I need a large vodka.

AitchwonderswhoFruitCrumbleis Thu 10-Sep-09 11:19:42

well if he sincerely sees it as an addiction, then he must seek help with it. like i say, i see no reason why he's not on the phone right now making appointments. he can afford to go private presumably, he must be saving money by not ringing these people.

agree that the second phone is always going to be suspicious, it's just that sometimes i think that men are simpler creatures in this regard. that's not to diminish his crimes, before anyone talks of letting him away with it.

positive action is required by him, he needs to show you a list of appointments by close of play today, imo. and then you can move onward and upward (if that's what you want to do).

AitchwonderswhoFruitCrumbleis Thu 10-Sep-09 11:20:42

(and <<squeeze>> in place of vodka. it's a real shame, this, i do feel for you. not fair.)

deepdarkwood Thu 10-Sep-09 11:24:11

Agree, aitch, that if it were me, it would be over to him now to prove that he is moving in the right direction. Personally, I wouldn't want such a short timeframe as end of day - it would be more about being over to him to research options, check out prices/waiting times, think about childcare to make it possible etc etc

AitchwonderswhoFruitCrumbleis Thu 10-Sep-09 11:38:51

well, even if he has something to show her by the end of the day. something printed off the internet, a book ordered, an appointment with the GP. just something, as a solid show of faith, that would allow them not to concentrate on this during these last few days of pregnancy.

dizietsma Thu 10-Sep-09 12:11:20

If he truly believes it is an addiction, a sex addiction, then there's one very obvious route for him to take- Sex Addicts Anonymous. I would strongly urge you insist on some kind of help like SAA or sex therapy to sort this out, it's very unfair on you and he clearly is unable to resolve this left to his own devices.

deepdarkwood Thu 10-Sep-09 13:04:51

Yes, good point aitch.

Thinking of you, tralalla

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